New Story Idea (looking for critique)

[david_werecat]

a

[Cochise]

Well...
there is a lot of failures in the script, but ALL fiction immersion is based on temporary and voluntary suspension of critic sense.
Regardless, this is the most obvious to me:

• 1 - If you know about real military forces, there is no independent organizations who can be "the only solution".
  2 - A untrained person in a combat unit is a risk. someone without habitability to kill in cold blood is a risk. No one accept civilian in a combat unit.
  3 - Your protagonist is described as someone "sadistic", but after he is manipulated and turned in a dependent person. You need a VERY GOOD story to make this change.

Form me the gore need to be needed for some dramatic situation. Your extensive list of rape, violence, sadism is a lot without purpose yet.
What atmosphere you intent to make?
What feeling your player must have?
You can make a claustrophobic horror, a gross gore movie, fetish S/m hentai...
The list is too extensive for me for the first and for the last. If a gore horror movie is what you intent, pretty well.

[Crocosquirrel]

You're painting a very dark, SMT-style PA here. A lot of this is really over the top-- Any one of these could make a VN by itself. I'd like to see a bit more than scattered notes here to make a determination, but you've drawn from a number of sources, including Resident Evil, Shin Megami Tensei (including Persona 3&4), Urutsudokoji and of all things, Mass Effect.

That's just what I can identify off the top of my head. The Rape scene is over the top. You're probably going to have to really earn that one. I would recommend omitting it. The Sadist can probably stay, but if it's not done right, will bring the whole thing down around your ears.

Next up, is the group itself. Why do they exist? Certainly not to destroy the Shadows. This hasn't been going on all that long, so they had to have been in existence prior to that. Is there some strange idealism at play here?

Also, are they going to train the kid? Cochise is right: Unless they're conditioned to kill as opposed to run, civilians are worse than useless in a combat zone. At *BEST*, they're a distraction for the military on their side.

That's just my thinking for the moment. I'll turn it over a few more times and see what shakes out.

[gekiganwing]

The talk of characters going insane, violence-related trauma, and goverments/militaries which step outside of boundaries remind me of plot elements from Final Fantasy 7. Though there's plenty of other stories which have similar elements.

David_werecat, if you had to present your story/game as an elevator pitch, how would you sum it up? Going from what you wrote, I'd probably summarize it as "A team fights supernatural evil." See if you can write a summary that's almost as concise, but more relevant and punchy.

How much emphasis will be put on the main characters' personalities? Will we get to know the people in the squad, or are they irrelevant except during combat?

Also, what sort of ending(s) do you have in mind? You wrote quite a bit about the horrors of violence, people losing their humanity, and people who are no longer sure if they are still human. Can your story end in a positive way? Will the main characters be able to do anything to prevent millions of deaths worldwide?