Mhh, I see you put a lot of thought and effort into this, so I will leave you with my detailed first impression.
- the topic title is not correct, as the game clearly says it's atashi no riri [start] kawaii chistmas!! Please, you should know the importance of spaces and that second exclamation mark. You even forgot a word

...
- one of the ladies has no obvious cleavage and one is lacking the fabulous rash--- uh, shine.
+ I have a hard time telling the men and women apart... if there are even men in there. If there are men; good! Gender equalty is very important. If there are no men; good! Flat-chested women are underrated.
+ the colouring is physically painful for me, torturing my eyes - it makes your work very unique and expresses the inner rage the reader must experience at being torn between which kawaii girl he/she will pick.