Undercover High (GxB) [Otome][Slice of Life][Mystery]

[xKairi]

Hi everyone! This here is the concept outline of my first soon-to-be game!

There's not much progress yet except with the story and characters. The only reason I'm out here with this thread is 'cause I want to see what people think of the game while it's still in development -particularly with the story. I want to make sure people like how it's going, so I can change things quickly in case they don't.

I shall be updating this thread ever-so-often so no worries!

I'm using Tokudaya's beautiful sprites! (Hopefully you guys aren't too sick of them haha)



Mackenzie Stewart is the daughter of a hotshot American private eye. And for as long as she can remember, it has been her destiny to be a detective like her father. While Kenzie settles for solving petty little cases like finding a missing cat, investigating an unfaithful husband, and exposing a backstabbing friend she gets the case of her dreams from the local police -going undercover to find a Japanese idol's stalker in Jordan High, one of the most prestigious high schools in Japan. But there's a catch... Jordan High is an all-male school! Can Kenzie find the culprit in time before her
secret is found out?






P R O T A G O N I S T

// Mackenzie Stewart //
high school detective / daughter of a hotshot American private eye

age 16
traits smart, brave, keen, daring
likes mystery puzzles
dislikes criminals,Dylan Taylor

Kenzie is smart and has a keen eye for investigation. As a child, her father brought her along in his investigations, which eventually lead Kenzie to her career choice. To keep her identity a secret, Kenzie uses the alias "Yuki Narumi" in Jordan High and has cut her hair short to look more masculine.

S U S P E C T S G U Y S



// Dylan Taylor //
SUSPECT #1 / American resident of Jordan High Library

age 17
traits intelligent, bookworm, gentleman, jerk
likes mystery novels
dislikes papercuts

Dylan is a bookworm who loves reading mystery novels. He calls himself a "resident" of the school library because he hardly ever leaves it. He enjoys teasing Kenzie, and occassionally gives her detective puzzles while playfully calling her "Detective". He and Hikaru are close friends.



// Hikaru Kato //
SUSPECT #2 / redheaded trouble maker of Jordan High

age 17
traits confident, stubborn, happy-go-lucky
likes pranks, skipping classes
dislikes boredom, Jun

Hikaru is famous in Jordan High for causing all sorts of trouble like stealing test answers, pranking teachers, bringing pornographic material but gets away with them since he is the nephew of the school principal. He likes to play with Kenzie's innocence through suggestive remarks, but he actually has very high respects for her. He and Dylan are close friends.




// Jun //
SUSPECT #3 / K-POP idol of Jordan High

age 16
traits quiet, serious, loner, emo
likes music, singing, piano
dislikes being bothered, Kenzie

Jun, or Min Ha Joon, is a Korean student at Jordan High. He is a Junior like Kenzie, and is very popular with the ladies. However, he prefers to be alone and does not like people approaching him. Just like how he is with everyone else, he is initially indifferent with Kenzie and is irritated at her. He is a graduating trainee of a talent agency in Korea and is set to debut in a group the next year.


S U P P O R T I N G



// Akihiko Takano //

age 24

Akihiko is the police detective who is supervising Kenzie's assignment. He is usually dead serious but is easily caught off-guard. He is an orphan who lost his parents in a gunfire during a police ambush.




// Kirika Minamoto //

age 32

Kirika is a police officer who has been good friends with Kenzie's dad. She is mature and motherly, and has been looking after Akihiko since he was a trainee.




// Chiharu Tanizawa //

age 19

Chiharu, or better known for her stage name "Charlotte", is an idol who complains that she has been getting threats from an obsessed stalker. She is bubbly and airheaded, and comes from a family of high-rank police officers. She speaks in an irritating shrill voice.




Sprites Tokudaya



Story 40%
Script 0%
Sprites 100%
Backgrounds 50%
Music 100%
Sound Effects 50%
Coding 0%

[Omnificent]

Hmm.

On the one hand, I'm always a sucker for a good "girl dresses as boy and infiltrates school for whichever reason" plot. On the other hand, I'm not entirely sure why MacKenzie's using a Japanese alias. Even if she's in Japan, using a Western name would probably be better for her cover.

Also, is there a particular reason this game needs to be set in Japan? There's a lot about Japanese culture that kind of flies over our Western heads that doesn't quite come across even in anime, shoujo manga or games. I mean sure, there's the idol plot, but we've got One Direction and the like here too. The combination of Japanese high school setting + Tokudaya sprites isn't the best for making your game stand out, unfortunately.

I do appreciate that there is a Korean character, though. And if you do keep the setting as Japan, I definitely want to see his route handle the tense race relations between Koreans and the Japanese, because that's kind of a big deal over there.

[gekiganwing]

The premise is a bit similar to Hana-Kimi. If you're okay with that, then consider how your story will benefit from comparisons. If not, consider what details you would consider changing. (For instance, does your main character need to move to a different country?)

Also, is there a particular reason this game needs to be set in Japan?

Settings aren't easy. You presumably want to portray the place where your story happens accurately. If that's true, then you need to avoid the extremes of 'too much research' (reads like a travelogue, story gets lost in the details) and 'not enough research' (factual errors distract from the story). Also, keep in mind that not every day is a cultural festival. TVTropes has an article about this topic called "So You Want To: Avoid The Theme Park Version."

If you're still open to setting ideas, consider places where you've lived. For instance, if you live in the Philippines, place the story in a town or city that you already know. Listen to some Writing Excuses discussions on settings, such as The City as a Character.

[xKairi]

Hmm.

On the one hand, I'm always a sucker for a good "girl dresses as boy and infiltrates school for whichever reason" plot. On the other hand, I'm not entirely sure why MacKenzie's using a Japanese alias. Even if she's in Japan, using a Western name would probably be better for her cover.

Ah, that does make a point... When I was thinking of an alias for Mackenzie, I wanted to make sure it was an androgynous name. Then "Yuki" popped into my head. That was basically it. But now that you mention it, there are plenty of unisex Western names as well.

Also, is there a particular reason this game needs to be set in Japan? There's a lot about Japanese culture that kind of flies over our Western heads that doesn't quite come across even in anime, shoujo manga or games. I mean sure, there's the idol plot, but we've got One Direction and the like here too. The combination of Japanese high school setting + Tokudaya sprites isn't the best for making your game stand out, unfortunately.

Actually, there's no a reason story-wise. I just wanted my game to have a complete anime vibe, so that pretty much includes the Japanese names and setting.

I do appreciate that there is a Korean character, though. And if you do keep the setting as Japan, I definitely want to see his route handle the tense race relations between Koreans and the Japanese, because that's kind of a big deal over there.

I'm a bit of a fan of K-POP myself, and since Koreans have taken interest in developing otome games as well, I thought why not add a Korean character? haha. It kind of also adds something unique to the game... or at least I think it does. xD

The premise is a bit similar to Hana-Kimi. If you're okay with that, then consider how your story will benefit from comparisons. If not, consider what details you would consider changing. (For instance, does your main character need to move to a different country?)

I am actually aware of Hana Kimi, as well as its Korean adaptation To The Beautiful You (which I was a big fan of). I can't say I based the game's story of of it despite the similar plot though, because I have no intention of imitating it at all. I honestly think it's alright to have a cliche plot... so long as you add a unique twist to it. In my game's case, is the detective plot. And no, there will be no crossing of countries involved in the story.

Settings aren't easy. You presumably want to portray the place where your story happens accurately. If that's true, then you need to avoid the extremes of 'too much research' (reads like a travelogue, story gets lost in the details) and 'not enough research' (factual errors distract from the story). Also, keep in mind that not every day is a cultural festival. TVTropes has an article about this topic called "So You Want To: Avoid The Theme Park Version."

I understand what you mean. I've never even been to Japan, and all my knowledge of what life's like in there is from watching anime and reading online. But I believe I won't go in too deep in Japanese culture and what I know is just enough for the game. Besides, I think majority of us who write about Japanese school life on the internet are just like me who haven't even set foot in the country!

---
Thank you both for your kind critique! It is very much appreciated!

[papillon]

I've never even been to Japan, and all my knowledge of what life's like in there is from watching anime and reading online. But I believe I won't go in too deep in Japanese culture and what I know is just enough for the game. Besides, I think majority of us who write about Japanese school life on the internet are just like me who haven't even set foot in the country!

Warning - this is exactly the approach to the culture that will get a lot of people angry at you.

By some, this sort of statement is considered offensive, both to the Japanese culture itself and to writers who actually take the time to do research and/or world-building. It's also unfair to potential readers, if they're going to end up with a pasty mishmash of things they've all seen before already. Why should they read your work, if there's nothing to discover in it?

We can't stop you, it's your project. Just... be aware.

[xKairi]

I've never even been to Japan, and all my knowledge of what life's like in there is from watching anime and reading online. But I believe I won't go in too deep in Japanese culture and what I know is just enough for the game. Besides, I think majority of us who write about Japanese school life on the internet are just like me who haven't even set foot in the country!

Warning - this is exactly the approach to the culture that will get a lot of people angry at you.

By some, this sort of statement is considered offensive, both to the Japanese culture itself and to writers who actually take the time to do research and/or world-building. It's also unfair to potential readers, if they're going to end up with a pasty mishmash of things they've all seen before already. Why should they read your work, if there's nothing to discover in it?

We can't stop you, it's your project. Just... be aware.

Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to sound offensive! But it isn't like I'll be writing dumb stuff about Japan, or how life is there... When I said I don't need to do much research for it is because I won't go into Japanese festivals and traditional customs and such. Japan's just another country with people, so I'll just be writing about people with lives like anywhere else.

I've written other stories as well which required me to do research on Japan. And for one, I actually know they only have 3 levels of high school there (which from my experience, is something most people don't know), that they start school in April, that they don't really celebrate Christmas but have gotten into the Christmas spirit anyway, and other stuff like that. So I actually already know a few things myself.

My aim in the game isn't to showcase Japan... so I think there's really no problem with not showing anything new culture-wise.

[Kikaharu]

I think it is fine if the setting is Japan and you don't know much about it. specially if you know a little and that's all you need in your story or game cause you aren't showcasing the whole Japanese culture. The story or games tend to be more focused on the main character and what they are doing. Also you shouldn't give the creator too much trouble. there are people that don't study the place as much and there are some that study it very much. Their stories can both be amazing just by the knowledge they have and how they use it. One can focus more on the culture or a sport etc. and one can focus more on relationship between people and friendships and adventures they go on. They both can be great things and not everyone wants to learn something new. most of the time if its a refreshing story or game and isnt like something you seen a million times and stuff people will probably play or read it for entertainment.

One thing is sometimes creators get off a topic of the story or have parts that don't match much or leave questions that you really want an answer for. I would just say to watch out for that cause it can make the mood of the game or story to be like, "I liked the game until i got to this part and then I just confused me or it just didn't seem good, so I don't really like it cause of that."

[Ordog]

I don't think she'll need any research for her game, if it's set in Japan. It might even sound too fake if she tries to integrate any knowledge she read. It's safer to go with what you know, then check what you've already used when finished.
Also, I usually prefer it when it's set in Japan, even if it's not accurate. It just has this Otome Game feeling that you only get when playing Tokimeki or the Shall we date series xDD
I've read/seen a lot of stories with gender bending and girls infiltrating all boys schools, but I never tries a VN like that.
Plus the fact that there's even a Korean intrigues me xD But may be you should add a syllable to his name ? Because "Jun" sounds more Japanese than korean... (It might be funny having a Korean in Japan, as usual)

Sooo~ I'm really really really expecting your game !! Even the demo or an extract will calm me... for a while! \o/