Opinions on my first two scenes?

[makorihi]

Hey all,

I'm yet another first time VN writer wanting some affirmation of my work. My background is engineering and I haven't done much writing for quite some time, so I want to know if I'm on the right track or horribly off.

Note: As I am still in the process of writing my opening chapter, I am not looking for detailed critique on the particularities of my grammar. What I want to know is if I have the right idea in making something that will grip your attention with the flow and dynamics of what is happening. You don't have to be gentle

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Note: Typically, if a person is talking then their sprite should show. Special cases are during situational CG.

Note: Haru's character is not voiced. All other characters with obvious lines are voiced.

Note: <<>> means press spacebar for rest of text to show. A paragraph or line break also means the same as <<>>

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Scene 0-0 :
<<Black screen>><<no music>><<white centered text>>
How can humans be so carefree?

We live our lives to the fullest, moment by moment. Every step we take faces us in a new direction. Living every day, never knowing where the future will take us.

Step by step, we accomplish the small tasks. Waking up for work, finishing that paper, getting the groceries before the supermarket closes.

And after we are all done with these small goals, we sit down and cheerily look back on those little accomplishments.

We just keep on happily buzzing around day after day, with no end in sight, and we are perfectly content with that.

...

Disgusting.

Seriously disgusting.

They reminds me of flies.

Going every which way, never seeming to reach an end or strive towards a goal. Only to end up being squashed against the wall one day by some annoyed person.

Does nobody think of what they're doing? Of how pointless it is?

Why have dreams if you are going to meet your end squashed against the wall by that thing called fate?

The thought of living like that disgusts me.

I hate it.

I don't want to live that way.

But what can I do...

Scene 0-1 :
<<Switches to normal text mode, but screen still black and no music>> <<maybe background noise of ppl chattering>><<Girl sprite not shown yet>>
Girl: <<whispering>>Haru

Haru: ...

<<whispering, but more urgent>>
Girl: Haru!!!!

Haru: ...

<<very urgent>><<pinching noise (high pitch 'ching!')>> <<screen shakes>>
Girl: HAAAARUUU!!!

<<bg shows lecture hall from some random row>><<still blurry due to just waking up>><<intense music plays>><<noise from jumping/standing up due to surprise>>
Haru: OW OW OW!!!!!

<<Girl sprise shown. Blurry>>
Girl: <<Gasps in surprise>>

Haru: What the hell, you didn't have to pinch me! God damn it that hurt! Ahhh!!!!

Girl: Well, you wouldn't wake up! You kept mumbling about flies!

Teacher: AHEM.. AHEM...

<<bg clears up and shows lecture hall normally>><<normal classroom music plays>><<teacher sprite shows up>> <<girl sprite not blurry>>
Teacher: I hear you've earned the nickname 'Lady Killer', but try to keep your adventures OUTSIDE of the classroom.

Girl: <<chuckles>>

Teacher: I'm talking to you too, Rina! Don't be so easily seduced all the time...

<<class laughs>><<Rina blushes>><<slams hands on table sound>>
Rina: WHAT?! YOU'VE GOT IT ALL WRONG! I'M NOT BEING S-S-SEDUCED! I WAS JUST--

<<Haru interjects>>
Haru: Oookkk. Sorry teach, I'll keep it to myself next time. Rina just looked so cute I could help myself.

Rina: <<gasp>><<instant change from loud->quite/cutesy>><<feeble voice>> C-C-cute? R-r-really? You already know, I don't like dating... <<>> but... <<>> if it's you...

Haru: Huh? Calm down, do you have a fever or something? I was just joking. Can you not even figure that out? I guess that's why they call you 'easy'.

<<class laughs>> <<Rina's facial expression is 'flabbergasted' Wide-eyed, mouth open>>
Rina: <<at a loss for words>>Ah-- I-- Ah--

<<Rina still at a loss for words (same sprite/facial expression doesnt change)>>
Teacher: <<sigh>>Sigh.

<<Rina's sprite goes away still holding same face>>
Teacher: You are all seniors about to graduate in three days, but that doesn't mean you should disregard your classes like this. There was a great man who once said "The more I learn, the more I realize how much I've yet to understand." Try to take that lesson to heart and don't brush away your studies.

Haru: I believe you're quoting Socrates, but let me present a quote by a man who was not forced to drink poison by his own people out of annoyance. "I am always ready to learn although I do not always like being taught."

<< ding dong, bell rings>>
Teacher: <<exasperated>> Well I certainly do respect Winston Churchill. Lucky for you class is over, otherwise I would have asked you to recite even more quotes since that seems to be all you're good at.

Teacher: That and seducing girls... <<>> <<Rina sprite shows up with same expression on face>>

Teacher: Class dismissed. <<>> <<Teacher sprite leaves/Rina sprite still there>> <<>> <<Scene ends/fade>>

[qirien]

Hey there! You're off to a good start! I love your first scene - it's very poignant and with just the right amount of angst.

I liked the banter between the teacher and Haru - you've shown that he's disaffected yet intelligent.

I'm not sure about the whole lady killer-seduction-calling Rina easy-part. If you're trying to show that he's really mean (and maybe the VN is about him slowly changing and realizing the point of love, etc), then that definitely does it. If we're supposed to think he's clever or cool based on that, it's not working for me. Maybe use a different word instead of "seduced"...? He certainly doesn't seem seductive or charming...

Anyway, overall I think it's a good beginning! You have some good writing skills, and Haru is an engaging character to center a story around.

[Asceai]

Rina _is_ too easy. Perfectly good character type, but make her less blatant. I also agree 'seduce' is out of place / not something a teacher would use.
Otherwise, it works; I'd keep reading.

[alberte]

I would first develop a more convincing teacher.
I don't know but personally knowing quotes of the top of the head that fast seems strange to me?
I hope you get to establish the scene more.
Goodluck!

[makorihi]

Thank you for the feedback! I'm glad that at least some people think it's worth reading.

The point of the first scene was to capture the reader's attention, regardless of how relevant the specific going-ons of that scene are to the plot as a whole. I just want it to give the reader a feeling of 'i want to know what happens next' regardless of how much you hate/love the particular things the character does.

As for the teacher saying 'seduce', it certainly is true that you wouldn't expect a teacher to normally say that. But that doesn't mean that he's not able or completely out of the realm of possibility. In the next scene Haru does actually talk about how it's not normal for a teacher to say that. And about the quotes, it's not that uncommon for people to know a quote or two. Especially a teacher.

wrt Rina, yea maybe she's 'too easy', but I was trying to get that point across without spending too much screentime on it. I may have to think about that a bit more.

In this scene I'm not trying to paint Haru as a ridiculously smooth lady killer. I definitely want to show that he is comfortable saying things like that, and his general attitude. I develop his character more in later scenes and as the opening progresses, but he's not an asshole. But he's not ultra nice either.

Again, thank you for the feedback I'll add a few more scenes for review once I fiddle with them a bit more.