What do you think about my writing style?

Questions, skill improvement, and respectful critique involving game writing.
Post Reply
Message
Author
Trayget
Newbie
Posts: 3
Joined: Mon Jan 20, 2014 9:49 pm
Location: Venezuela
Contact:

What do you think about my writing style?

#1 Post by Trayget »

The title is self-explanatory.
This is a a fragment of my first VN, the beggining in fact.
Note: Below I'll put the text in Spanish, if you speak this language, it's better that you read that text. IMO, this translation isn't reliable (it may have some flaws) 'cause my English is poor. Beforehand, thanks for your comprehension!
All around there were only shadows.
A black stage deployed before him.
"..."
He was plunged into silence.
In that place there was nothing. The "nothing" was the "everything" and vice versa.
"...."
His body went limp. The only thing he could do was wonder himself:
(Where am I?)
Everything was so confusing. His mind couldn't find an answer for explaining the state in which he found.
He wasn't even able to remember how he got there and where he was before.
It was like he was brainwashed.
"......"
"..."

All of a sudden, a gleam blinded him.
He closed his eyes for a moment. And when he opened them, he noticed that the darkness had returned.
But that didn't mean that the place had remained immutable.
"Aaah..."
He stiffled a yell.
A being had emerged from the radiance.
It emanated a shine that contrasted with the murky scene.
It didn't have eyes, nor mouth nor nose. All his facial features were non-existent.
"Everything is your fault." The being declared imposingly. He didn't flinch at the accusation.
"...."
"If you had tried to do something to prevent this tragedy, everyone of us would be happy."
"But you never tried, you always remained indifferent."
"Why?"
"You're horrible!"
"Something like you shouldn't exist."

He looked away hoping that the entity, being ignored, disappeared as fast as it appeared.
But he soon realized it was a futile attempt. That being was omnipresent.
"Wh-wha-"
"What are you!?"
He shouted to the entity.
The being unvoiced, however, its silence wasn't everlasting.
"Hehehehe." It broke the quietness with a snicker.
"The answer it's very simple"
"I am what I am. Ergo, I am who I am."
"I think there is a more important question, though."

"A-and what is that question?"
"Who are you?"
"Who... am I?"
"Well, I am..."
"......"
"..."

He started shaking. He couldn't believe it.
He didn't know his own identity, he didn't know the naswer for a question as simple as: "Who am I?"
"Well?"
"Me?... I am..."
"I-I aaam..."

Who am I?
I am...
I know...
I think...
I-I aaam...
I-I... am...
...
.......
...........
.....................................
..............................................


Who the hell is supposed to be me!?
......................................................................................................................................................................
Y éste es el texto en Español (tiene plasmadas las ideas originales tal y como se deseaba). Espero que me puedan ayudar.
A su alrededor tan solo había sombras.
Un escenario completamente negro se desplegaba ante él.
...... —estaba sumido en el silencio.
En aquel lugar no había nada.
El «nada» era el «todo» y viceversa.
......
Su cuerpo había quedado inerte. Lo único que podía hacer era preguntarse a sí mismo:
«¿Dónde estoy?»
Todo era muy confuso. Su mente no podía dar con una respuesta para explicar el estado en el que se encontraba.
Ni siquiera era capaz de recordar cómo llegó ahí y dónde estaba anteriormente.
Era como si le hubieran lavado el cerebro.
......
...

Súbitamente, un destello le cegó.
Cerró los ojos por un momento. Y en cuanto los abrió, se percató de que la oscuridad había vuelto.
Pero eso no quería decir que aquel lugar se había mantenido inmutable.
¡Ahhh...! —él ahogó un grito.
Un ser había surgido del resplandor.
Despedía un brillo que contrastaba con el lóbrego escenario.
No tenía ojos, ni boca ni tampoco nariz. Todos sus rasgos faciales eran inexistentes.
Todo esto es tu culpa. —declaró imponentemente la entidad. Él ni se inmutó ante la acusación.
......
Si hubieras intentado hacer algo por evitar aquella tragedia, todos seríamos felices.
Pero nunca intentaste nada, siempre te mantuviste indiferente.
¿Por qué?
¡Eres horrible!
¡Algo como tú no debería existir!
Él apartó la mirada deseando que el ente, al ser ignorado, desapareciese tan rápido como apareció.
Pero pronto se dio cuenta de que fue un intento inútil. Aquel ser era omnipresente.
Q-que…
¿¡Qué eres!? —le gritó a la entidad.
El ente calló, sin embargo, su silencio no fue perpetuo.
Jejeje… —rompió el silencio con una risita sarcástica.
La respuesta es muy simple.
Yo soy lo que soy. Ergo, yo soy quien soy.
Pero creo que hay una pregunta más importante que esa.
¿Y-y cuál sería esa pregunta?
¿Quién eres tú?
¿Quién... soy yo?
Pues, yo soy...
......
...
Él comenzó a temblar. No podía creerlo.
No sabía su propia identidad, no conocía la respuesta a una pregunta tan simple como: «¿Quién soy?».
¿Y bien?
¿Yo?... yo soy...
Y-yo sooy...

¿Quién soy yo?
Yo soy...
Yo sé...
Yo creo...
Y-yo sooy...
Y-yo... Soy...
...
.......
...........
.....................................
..............................................



¿¡Quién demonios se supone que soy yo!?

User avatar
cuttlefish
Regular
Posts: 130
Joined: Thu Jul 05, 2012 1:23 am
Contact:

Re: What do you think about my writing style?

#2 Post by cuttlefish »

Huhu... It was interesting reading your translation and the Google translation of your Spanish ;)
Google translate wrote:All around there were only shadows.
A completely black scene unfolding before him.
- ...... - Was plunged into silence.
In that place there was nothing.
The "nothing" was the "all" and vice versa.
- ......
His body had been inert . All he could do was to ask yourself :

"Where am I? "

It was all very confusing. His mind could not give an answer to explain the state in which he was.
It was not even able to remember how you got there and where it was previously .
It was as if he had been brainwashed.
- ......
- ...

Suddenly , a flash blinded him .
He closed his eyes for a moment. And as he opened them, he realized that the darkness had returned.
But that did not mean that the place had remained unchanged.
-Ahhh ... ! - He gasped .
A glow had come to be .
It gave off a glow that contrasted with the gloomy scenario .
He had no eyes, no mouth nor nose. All their facial features were absent.
- This is all your fault. Stunningly - declared entity . He did not flinch at the accusation .
- ......
- If you had tried to do something to prevent this tragedy , everyone would be happy.
- But never tried anything as long you remained indifferent.
- Why?
-You're horrible!
-Something like you should not exist!
He looked away hoping that the body , being ignored, disappeared as quickly as it appeared .
But he soon realized it was a futile attempt . The creature was omnipresent .
- Q - that ...
-What you are! ? He shouted to the entity.
The body silent, but his silence was not perpetual .
- Hehehe ... - broke the silence with a sarcastic chuckle.
- The answer is very simple.
- I am what I am. Ergo , I am who I am .
- But I think there is more important than that question.
- And - and what would that question?
- Who are you ?
- Who ... am I?
- Well, I'm ...
- ......
- ...
He began to tremble. I could not believe it.
I did not know his own identity, not knowing the answer to a question as simple as , " Who am I? '.
- Well?
- I ... I 'm ... ?
- Y- I sooy ...

Who am I ?
I am ...
I know ...
I think ...
Y- I sooy ...
II ... I'm ...
...
.......

Who the hell is supposed to be me ! ?
While your translation is a bit awkward, the Google translation read quite naturally (despite the expected hiccups).
Sounds like your writing style is fine (based on Google translate), but I can't be sure since I don't understand Spanish.

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users