The Duenkhy [XxB][Otome][Fantasy] [CASSIUS CH 1!!]

[Cafechan]

Thank you so much!!! I'm glad you like the characters!! =')))) I'll be working hard so that the full game doesn't disappoint!

[Lyriale]

Hello. Congrats on the demo! i really love the concept and all the character designs.

Sorry if this is OOC

[sorani]

I really enjoyed playing the demo!
Each of the characters were each interesting personalities, and though I was very interested in the piano guy, after playing the demo, my interests has turned to RiffRaff XD
Can't wait to see this game finished, so here's some fanart of Jun.

[Cafechan]

GYAHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! F-fanart!!!!!!! You two are the sweetest!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hello. Congrats on the demo! i really love the concept and all the character designs.

Sorry if this is OOC

Omg omg nooooooooo, this is TOO CUTE!!! I'm happy you liked the demo, and THANK YOU for this adorable comic!! I just giggled so much!!!!!!

I really enjoyed playing the demo!
Each of the characters were each interesting personalities, and though I was very interested in the piano guy, after playing the demo, my interests has turned to RiffRaff XD
Can't wait to see this game finished, so here's some fanart of Jun.

I'm so glad you enjoyed the characters' personalities!!! And THIS IS THE PRETTIEST JUN, aaaahhhhh your coloring is so gorgeous!!! Thank you!!!

Thank you both for playing and for drawing such adorable fanart!! I am saving them forever!!





Speaking of Jun...

[Bouki]

What time is it? Detailed review time!
First of all, seems like i underestimated your creativity. I thought characters would be the classic otome game ones (one bubbly shota + one cool tsundere + one best friend kind of thing ) but I cried tears of joy when I found out that wasn't the case. Each of the characters had a personality that makes sense and each one of them was original. Since this genre is not my favorite (No offense. It's just I like my men their face whole and human-y, and mc's not gender neutral) I thought I would be interested in playing just 1 route or 2, but playing the demo made me question that. Maybe they're not my ideal love interest types but they, at least they are interesting. After finishing the demo, I think I won't be in peace unless I play 3-4 routes. Hell, maybe even more, I don't know. Long story short, I'm trying to say that even though this genre is not my thing, you managed to make me interested in this game, and kudos for that.
About the writing, DAMN IT WAS FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC. I guess english is your native language? 'Cause you can express yourself a lot more better than us non-english mortals can. I especially like the part when you were describing Calisto, it felt like I exactly knew that smell you speak of, and I could hear his deep rumbling laugh. The fact that MC's not a doormat is a nice plus, too
About the art, it's nice. I especially liked the first background (Lady's house, living room i guess?). The way you colored and the color shifts are really lovely. It's only natural you hate backgrounds though, it seemed like you spent hours on that background and details. Someone should give you a cookie for your efforts The fact I find big white tigers of fish-y bartenders attractive still kinda horrifies me, though. My favorite art piece about the game was Calisto's CG. I kept looking at it for a full minute or something like that, then moved on with the game, then scrolled back just to see that CG once more. Dayum. I'll give you two thumbs up for that one.
Finally, my opinion on the characters:

Cassius: I liked Cassius. But strangely, not as much as I though I would. The ''nice and shy and so adorable'' kind of characters are not usually my favorite, maybe that's it. But even without a head, he seemed like he had expressions and was a person too, so nice job. Sorry Cassius, we can still be best friends, right?
Calisto: First thing I thought was ''Is he hitting on Lady? Is Lady hitting on him? Do they have a secret relationship or something?!? Dude, I'm the player in this game, and it's my job to do the flirting. So you better be interested in me.'' Apart from my paranoid thoughts, I liked Calisto. I thought he would be the classic cool tsundere type not giving a f about other people, but he actually apologized about asking me that?!?! Me likes. But my favorite thing about him must be his scent, actually. I just LOVE that salty sea scent, and when I reads that part I was just like ''Holy sweet Entei I'm soooo gonna play this route.'' But I don't want to go to the gym with him, why can't we just lay on couch and play games together
Krystoff: Seems like even you don't like Krystoff I too didn't like him at first, but when I told him to shut up and he just laughed like a maniac, well, how could you not like him? I look forward to making and archenemy out of Krystoff and meesing with him hahahaahehehehe
Rafael: He was so cute. I liked his robot way of talking, and how he tries to cook is definitely adorable. I'm not sure about having him as a love interest though, maybe another best friend like Cassius?
Shawn: Awww. I felt sad for Shawn. Even Jun held his/her breath while shaking his hand I too thought he was ugly when i read his description. (But hey, at least half of his face is not torn and good-looking?) But when he said that ''I can't hear well and I' lonely, so I'm up all night playing video games. Loudly.'' part, i felt... guilty? Sad? Empathy? All of them combined. I will make sure to play his route to get this weight off of my chest. Hİs personality seemed like one of my favorite types too though, so I think I will genuinely enjoy playing his route. So I will either get him out of that black hole of a house, or get sucked in with him. Both ways are fine by me. Don't worry Shawn, I'm coming. And I don't think you stink Seriously, we should found a club or something like that to protect and cherish Shawn.
Tor: This character is sooo awesome. He was my favorite from the start, cause tigers are my favorite animals. And he is even white. How could I resist? The fact that he likes beautiful girly flower backgrounds makes him even more adorable. I actually laughed out loud when I read ''I could say bobbity beep and he would still bring me that cookies'' part. He seems sooo nice. I want to pat his head and scratch the back of his ears.

So yeah, congrats on your demo release and thank you for it. Hope you fun making it as much as I had playing it. I will keep an eye on this topic because I am now interested in learning what made Jun run away from home and how that duenkhy helped him/her. Now that I wrote him/her, that reminds me, why did you make Jun gender neutral? And how did you get the idea on making this game about duenkhy? It's such an original and different concept, I wondered how you thought of something like this.
Phew, sorry for the long post.

[Cafechan]

Wow!!!!! Your detailed review just made my night!!!!! Thank you for taking the time to write so much, and thank you for playing the demo!

Long story short, I'm trying to say that even though this genre is not my thing, you managed to make me interested in this game, and kudos for that.

This is extremely flattering!! I wanted to make an otome styled game that would reach past the formula of typical otome games, at least a little, and appeal to more kinds of people. I'm glad to hear it worked for you!

I guess english is your native language? 'Cause you can express yourself a lot more better than us non-english mortals can.

It is my first language! But don't sell yourself short; I would have never guessed english wasn't your first language from reading your post. You're extremely good with it!!

The fact I find big white tigers of fish-y bartenders attractive still kinda horrifies me, though. My favorite art piece about the game was Calisto's CG. I kept looking at it for a full minute or something like that, then moved on with the game, then scrolled back just to see that CG once more. Dayum. I'll give you two thumbs up for that one.

This made me laugh out loud. Don't worry, in due time, you will accept your attraction... (laughs)



As for all your comments on each character, all this feedback is -extremely- helpful for me to keep in mind!! It's good for me to know what people expect from the cast and what they want to see. So thank you for that!

Now that I wrote him/her, that reminds me, why did you make Jun gender neutral?

This is going to be a bit of a long answer. I apologize!!!


In the beginning, it was as simple as me thinking that it'd be nice to have a character who didn't strongly align themselves as male or female, since I know quite a lot of people who feel that way. It's rare to see such a character in stories—especially as the main character—especially in visual novels. So I wanted to give some spotlight to a character like that.

I also felt that having a gender neutral character enabled any given player to go in with less mental bias as to what they expect from the main character. Of course, we're past the silly assumptions that all girls love pink and all boys eat worms, or whatever the generalizations are, but I still think there are biases we unconsciously fall into when we're aware of someone's gender.

Because Jun is just Jun, I think it makes them easier to relate to for a wider variety of people. However, don't misunderstand; the purpose of Jun as a protagonist is not to trick the player into self-inserting themselves (I feel that very few visual novels are able to successfully pull this off; not that it can't be done, but it certainly isn't an easy feat without providing the player with a LOT of significant options). The purpose of Jun as a protagonist is to be established as an interesting person in a unique situation, and to take the player through the emotional seasons involved with that situation.

For example: maybe a female player won't relate to Jun's genderlessness, but neither will she necessarily relate to Jun running away from home and dating a fish (or what have you). However... she'll probably relate to Jun adjusting to changes... meeting new people... overcoming past hurts... And a male player will relate to those things too. And neither of them will have preconceived notions about Jun, as far as gender expectations are concerned.



The short answer: representation and accessibility to a varied audience!
Maybe not everyone will receive this the way I intended, but that's quite okay.

And how did you get the idea on making this game about duenkhy? It's such an original and different concept, I wondered how you thought of something like this.

I'm really happy to hear you say it's original! Thank you.

I started scribbling a cast of 'monster boys', maybe 9 months ago. It wasn't a serious idea in my head. I just kicked around the thought of, "Oh, I'd like a nice, varied monster boy dating sim." So I hastily jotted down my favorite monster boy clichés, which were object head, robot, zombie, kemono ((Tor started out as a wolf though!)), and some type of demon/youkai (Krystoff isn't a demon anymore... just something kind of similar). Calisto was added to the lineup because he was a preexisting character of mine, and I thought he'd fit into the setting well.



From there, ideas just kind of kept vaguely popping into my head. I sat with my friends at a stranger's quinceañera and scribbled a clearer lineup while killing time.


(I don't know why I scribbled out the pre-Tor-equivalent's face.)


I'm one of those creators who likes to jot down characters first and THEN imagine their stories, so that's what I've done for the most part. =)




Also..




Woohoo!!

[Reikun]

Yay! I'm so glad I got around to this like I wanted to this week~ Overall it was a really fun demo! I enjoyed it but there's certainly room for improvement. My thoughts are a bit scrambled, so hopefully their easy enough to follow! If you have need me to elaborate on anything let me know~

First off, being prompted to name a character right off the bat can be a challenge for some, so I like how the presentation invites the player to type a name while making it obvious that there's a default available (+100 points from me! I'm terrible at thinking up MC names in games). It's also nice that it distinctly looks like the game hasn't started yet (kinda reminiscent of a character creation type thing-- where you have to "make" your character before you can be immersed in the game). Only critique is that Jun's sprite doesn't quite look androgynous. My first assumption was "female," as was a friend's that I showed the demo to. Chopping off the little ponytail in the back might help improve androgyny if that's what you're going for.

The monologue in the beginning about feelings of not fitting in: I think this went on longer than it needed to, so some editing might be in order. Some suggestions: try to avoid using "Even" more than once. It lessens the impact of the word when repeated too closely on the same screen. Cut out the "Or" before "maybe teaching yourself..."
More important issue about the monologue: too much tell, not enough show. Why is it easy to get scared, for instance? What are these old habits? etc. No need to actually answer these questions, but Jun reflecting in specifics might make for a more interesting transition into their past surrounded by humans. (I really liked the part about how Jun used to live among humans btw! Great way to bring it back around to the question first posed.)

Characters: You're doing pretty good but watch out for the same-y. On first impression, Cassius and Shawn both share the overwhelming trait of "meekness" and this actually makes Shawn look like the weaker/less appealing/same-y character because we met Cassius first, and he makes a very strong impression of his personality because his beginning scene is very dramatic, which overshadows Shawn because his scene is much more passive. Tor slowly approaches this territory. He's different in that his first impression seems more confident than Cassius or Shawn, but when he gets embarrassed about his flowers we're landed on the border of "wow, three meek characters?!" territory. Just take care to differentiate their flavors of shyness a bit. Watch out for too similar body language (Cassius & Tor with their hands together; Cassius and Shawn with their hands on chin). I know it's tough to think up good and natural looking poses for each character AND make them all somewhat different, but less poses that are DISTINCT to each character may serve you better than more poses that are shared/repeated between characters. The most unique characters (to me) were Krystoff and Cassius because they make really strong impressions with their mannerisms/speech and behavior towards Jun. My favorites were Cassius and Rafael though hehe.

Art: LOVE IT. I have nothing useful to say right now HAHA;;;;; /sweats

Misc: How did you come up with the term "duenkhy?" Sorry if you discussed this already >___>;; I didn't exactly go through all the old comments on this thread.....

That's all I can think of for now! OH WAIT. "Earth" here should be capitalized http://puu.sh/9sy1Y/9b053c7558.jpg
And that's it for me. Great job Looking forward to where the story goes from here!

[Cafechan]

Thank you so much for the in-depth critique!! I appreciate you taking the time to help me make the demo better!!!


Spoilers unspoiler'd below because, again, the white makes my eyes feel weird. LOL

First off, being prompted to name a character right off the bat can be a challenge for some, so I like how the presentation invites the player to type a name while making it obvious that there's a default available (+100 points from me! I'm terrible at thinking up MC names in games).

I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way. If I'm not given a default name, I almost always end up picking something stupid like "SPLAART", so I wanted people to have the option to customize it... or not. Heh!

Only critique is that Jun's sprite doesn't quite look androgynous. My first assumption was "female," as was a friend's that I showed the demo to. Chopping off the little ponytail in the back might help improve androgyny if that's what you're going for.

That's fair! I'm probably going to keep Jun's looks as-is though. I'm challenging a lot of things with Jun's character, and the standards of androgyny is one of those things. What people think of as androgynous is often typically "masculine" traits, and I want to move away from that. Jun presents themselves the way they do (short hair, simple pants+shirt) because it's comfortable and convenient, which is their preference. But I think, for example, Jun wouldn't be against wearing dresses or skirts (or, on the flip side, battered jeans, loose t-shirts, sneakers...) I've had people comment on Jun's looks both ways (one person said they thought Jun leaned towards masculine!), but in the end, Jun is just Jun. So it's not a big deal to me in either case =)


Re: monologue stuff: THANK YOU for nitpicking this. I hated that monologue after I wrote it, but I've been too wrapped up in other stuff to really sit down and pick it apart. I'll keep your suggestions in mind and tackle it again!

On first impression, Cassius and Shawn both share the overwhelming trait of "meekness" and this actually makes Shawn look like the weaker/less appealing/same-y character because we met Cassius first, and he makes a very strong impression of his personality because his beginning scene is very dramatic, which overshadows Shawn because his scene is much more passive.

Ack, I worried about this. Shawn and Cassius are both shy, but doing their routes, they're shy in different ways..... ......But I could definitely stand to emphasize this more in the demo. >_<

Tor slowly approaches this territory.

Tor is a nebulous warzone of a character I haven't quite solidified even now. It's a mess!!!! Thank you for pointing this out. I've gotta sit down and make myself some charts of differing points between the characters so that I can make them clearer upfront.

Misc: How did you come up with the term "duenkhy?" Sorry if you discussed this already >___>;; I didn't exactly go through all the old comments on this thread.....

I haven't mentioned it in the thread yet, actually!! It's a silly combination of duwende/duende (filippino/spanish words, respectively) and youkai (japanese). From the get-go, I wanted the project to be a 'melting pot' of different influences, so my friend and I thought it would be fun to mix words of different origins. I'm Filippino and she's Mexican! And obviously, the game is born out of the influences of Japanese otome games, so... seemed like a good mishmash of words!

That's all I can think of for now! OH WAIT. "Earth" here should be capitalized

I SNAGGED THAT ONE! You're very observant, catching (I think??) the only typo in the script!!

THANK YOU AGAIN! All this feedback is extreeeeeeeeemely helpful!

[Haze]

Finished the demo, and it was quite good! I went in thinking I'd like Cassius, since I'm a pianist myself, but I ended up really liking Tor. I think this is because I expected him to be a no-nonsense business man, but he wasn't at all! The more I thought about it, though, the more I realized something seemed off about his characterization; more on that bellow. As a whole, all the characters are pretty well written, though I feel like Krystoff's "intro scene" wasn't long enough.

The two music tracks you have up also sound nice, though "Heartfelt" seems a little repetitive during some parts.

Also, 3BS?! I loved that, even though it makes no sense(pretty sure DS stands for "dual screen", so what does BS stand for? If you haven't thought about that, sorry for making things too complicated). I've got a question though-- how is it that humans and duenkhy can(in this case) access the same items? I mean, say a human invented the 3BS. If humans see duenkhys(is that the plural of "duenkhy"? Or would the plural be "duenkhies"? "Duenkhies" makes more grammatical sense, but...anyway, moving on.) as monsters, why would the human who invented the 3BS sell them to duenkhys? Unless Shawn smuggled his or something...hmmm...

I'm thinking about this too much, aren't I? Sorry.

Ok, I have some comments about Tor's character. As Reikun pointed out, Cassius, Tor, and Shawn all have a bit of shyness in their character. While I think Cassius and Shawn are fine in this aspect, Tor doesn't seem to be right for this kind of character. He seems to like things most don't take interest in, like flower pictures, but he makes no effort to hide these things despite being embarrassed of them.

About three and a half years ago, someone bumped into be and caused scalding hot hot chocolate(No, not coffee. I don't like coffee. When it comes to hot, stay-up-late drinks, I like hot chocolate, vanilla chai, or tea.) to spill all over my right hand. When I finally got better(i.e my hand wasn't hurting like crazy and the blisters from the burn finally went away), I had a burn scar on my hand. At first, I did everything I could to hide this burn scar from others, which wasn't easy since I'm right handed. For a while, I even thought about wearing gloves. After a while, though, I accepted this burn as part of me and decided not to hide it anymore. Today, most people don't even notice it, and no one has thought less of me because of it.

So, from personal experience, I've seen that when people have a part of themselves they're ashamed or embarrassed of, they will either take every effort to hide this aspect of their character, or they will embrace this difference and share it with others, becoming happy with this difference instead of embarrassed. Usually, people go through the "hide" phase first, and the "share" phase second, because it can take a while before people think the world is ready to accept a part of themselves that may be viewed as strange or not normal.

The problem I have with Tor is that, while he seems embarrassed about his flower pictures and the like, he makes no effort to hide anything at all. I mean, he had the flowers right on his tablet, for goodness sakes! That would be like me fervently denying to my friends and family that I'm a fan of Demon Hunter while having one of their weird(er) alblum covers as my laptop's desktop background and letting my family and friends borrow my laptop on a regular basis. It's contradictory. It's like he's doing the "hide" phase and "share" phase at the same time, and that just doesn't make sense to me.

Furthermore, you already have 2 shy characters, Cassius and Shawn, and, since Cassius is introduced first, Tor just doesn't come across as anything new or different. Shawn does, because there's this air of mystery during his scene, but Tor doesn't. I think that Tor could really benefit from a rewrite of his character-- either put him in the "hide" phase or the "share" phase. If he's in the "hide" phase, then he probably does everything he can to come off as a nice-but-professional tech guy, while hiding the sweeter aspects of himself so people don't think less of him. If he's in the "share" phase, he's probably the type to be nice to everyone he meets, but, even though he works hard, the guys at his job think he's a little weird, and only really know him professionally. In both cases, Tor is looking for someone to be ok with the parts of him that are different than what people expect, but the writing would definitely be different.

Of course, if the progress for his path on the first page isn't accurate and you're actually pretty much done writing his path, and/or you're thinking "What do you know about my character?", feel free to ignore me.

One random thing I want to say: I can understand why Cassius wouldn't want to play piano with his head. I mean, he only has about 2 octaves up there-- not enough for a pianist! XD

Ok, I think that's all I have to say. Keep up the good work! Oh, wait, I'm going to send you a PM on the demo later. Please read it when it comes.

[Cafechan]

Thank you for playing!!! I need this kinda stuff to give me perspective on the things I write. When you're a one man team and you're struggling to write as much as I am while still maintaining a busy life, it gets easy to lose sight of......... everything. LOL

The more I thought about it, though, the more I realized something seemed off about his characterization; more on that bellow.

Re: everything about Tor: thank you for the criticism and the suggestions. Truth be told, I'm really struggling with him in general. Out of all the characters, he's actually the ONLY route I flat out have not started writing for -at all-, and it's largely because of this characterization ambiguity I'm struggling with. I feel like there's too many directions I'm trying to go with him (cool, mature, older character! secretly sensitive! loud but also gentle!), and while that's not necessarily wrong, it's making it difficult for me to hear his inner voice consistently. In other characters' routes, he keeps ending up too... dad-ly... and it's bothering me because that might be funny for a side character, but as a romanceable option, it's weird and kind of uncomfortable. x_x So I need to sit down and really figure out what I'm doing with him...

Also, 3BS?! I loved that, even though it makes no sense(pretty sure DS stands for "dual screen", so what does BS stand for?

It's just a joke because BS stands for... well.... LOL
But, hmm. 3... bi-screen. Bi for two.

how is it that humans and duenkhy can(in this case) access the same items?

Duenkhy are kind of assimilated into human culture (even if a lot of them live separately), so nothing really prevents them from buying human creations. Plus, Shawn is internet-savvy =)

If humans see duenkhys(is that the plural of "duenkhy"? Or would the plural be "duenkhies"? "Duenkhies" makes more grammatical sense, but...anyway, moving on.)

Duenkhy is the plural of duenkhy. Hehe!

One random thing I want to say: I can understand why Cassius wouldn't want to play piano with his head. I mean, he only has about 2 octaves up there-- not enough for a pianist! XD

He makes a comment about this in his route, heh! Poor little guy.




Again, thank you so much for such detailed feedback!!!! I have so much to work on... I'm starting to get the impression I'm in over my head (sweats)...

[Haze]

When you're a one man team and you're struggling to write as much as I am while still maintaining a busy life, it gets easy to lose sight of......... everything. LOL

I have so much to work on... I'm starting to get the impression I'm in over my head (sweats)...

Well, then, perhaps you should consider recruiting someone/some people to help you out. I, for one, would definitely be interested in writing, editing, or doing music for this project, especially if you did an art trade, and I know I'm not the only person who'd be willing to assist you with The Duenkhy. If you think you have a lot of work to do, then I'm sure there are people here on lemma who could help you with that work.

But, hmm. 3... bi-screen. Bi for two.

Oh my goodness that makes so much sense. XD

[philip]

Just finished the demo and found it very interesting, if a bit unusual. Will certainly follow your progress and future updates. Nice job so far.

philip

[nipaa_kazuma]

I played the demo and liked it very much.
When I look once again at the estimated number of words ... Such a huge work !
I hope you have fun in making this game because in my case, as a player, I had a good time.
Congratulations for your hard work. I'll be waiting forward the rest of your project =).

[Cafechan]

Well, then, perhaps you should consider recruiting someone/some people to help you out. I, for one, would definitely be interested in writing, editing, or doing music for this project, especially if you did an art trade, and I know I'm not the only person who'd be willing to assist you with The Duenkhy.

PM'd you a lil about this =) I have a really reliable music team atm, but editing is definitely something I could use help with.

Just finished the demo and found it very interesting, if a bit unusual. Will certainly follow your progress and future updates. Nice job so far.

Thank you very much, philip! I appreciate you taking the time to check it out!!

I played the demo and liked it very much.
When I look once again at the estimated number of words ... Such a huge work !
I hope you have fun in making this game because in my case, as a player, I had a good time.
Congratulations for your hard work. I'll be waiting forward the rest of your project =).

Thank you so much!! Yes, it's probably much bigger than a first full-fledged project ought to be....

But I'm currently at around 210,000 words!!! So.... slow and steady!?

I'm really happy you had a good time. Thank you for playing!

[wyverngem]

This looks like it will be a fun experience for gaming. I'm looking forward to seeing how you write the characters and how you handle the without gender mc. I'm all for it. I have trouble with the demo saying it's malicious, but this might just be Chrome reacting to it.

I guess, I'm a little confused on the routes. Traditionally, I get how it can be challenging to see a specific route and end up going through text to realize it's the fifth time and you still ended up on the wrong path. I thought that was part of the game play for otome game, player-choices move the mc down a certain path and after the first play through the player starts trying to strategies and analyse "where was the break?". I also notice in a lot of professional game, "side hangout" take away points from the ending your trying to achieve.

Don't take me wrong, I think this is a good idea. I'm just curious how you've executed that in your writing?