The Brink Of Debt [GxB] [Romance, Action, Vigil-Anti]

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miraiparasol
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The Brink Of Debt [GxB] [Romance, Action, Vigil-Anti]

#1 Post by miraiparasol » Wed Jul 02, 2014 10:59 pm

So this is my first VN, I hope all will go well. Let me introduce you to this little storyline I've been brewing in my head for about a year but didn't start off until a month ago!

Image

THE PLOT

Raine Kurerugi is what you could call your modern day Robin Hood. With a strong distaste with how the world is run, Raine takes power in her own hands to set things right (whether her tactics are ‘good’ is another matter). She’s been doing this for years in her city of Voldair. Alone.
If you’re in the shifty business of being vigil-anti, alone is probably the last thing you want to be. Raine hasn't quite learned this lesson, but she had yet to get caught.
She was single and free until a stranger blackmails her into taking him in as her partner. Taking him under her wing, seems to have caused Raine to relive the (painful) past that brought her to the present…
What brought her to live such a dangerous life?
More importantly who would give up their normal life to become a criminal?

In this game you play as a female and have only one love interest you can/cannot choose to persue.

CHARACTERS
These are NOT final drawings (nor will the coloring style be like this). These were quick 1 hour sketches to give you an idea of what the characters look like. Coloring will most likely have a cell/soft shaded feel to it

Raine Kurerugi
Image
"I never said anything about fulfilling your request. Besides, My kind of work requires getting your hands dirty"

This is you!
Age: 19 ish
She’s a bit rough around the edges, and little bit blunt when it comes to picking up on signals. Despite how the hard life has transformed her, Raine remains to tend to the needs of others. Being raised with all brothers, it seems she connects more with the male mindset. However, there are moments when her girly side slips and surfaces.

Allen Yvelli
Image
"You admitted it was wrong! No matter how you look at it, you can't change what wrong is"

the love interest
Age: 20 ish
He’s very bright, optimistic and intuitive. Seemingly quick to act (but not to think), and happy-go-lucky at first is just a façade for what knowledge and maturity that he hides beneath while still maintaining that optimisim. He has a bit of the perverted mind. However, Raine's lack of reaction serves as it's own sort of punishment.

Natsu Kamiki
Image
"Have fun once in a while."

Age: 28
He’s managed to live comfortably with his little store. He has a wife and a young daughter. He assists Raine with all her technology needs and has a secret little black market on technology assisting other assailants. Natsu has a very protective instinct and has a guardian like feel to him as he watches over the little Raine making sure she doesn’t get into trouble.

Lloyd Kurerugi
Image
"I did it for you."

Age: 24
He knows how to have fun and is very teasing of his little sister. He was and still is Raine's role model. It would explain where she got her selfless gestures and helpfulness. Natsu and him have been best friends since childhood.

Creator's Note
This game is heavily based on storytelling with a very small cast, while romance does affect how the story, there’s only one character whom you can end up with/without. I realize that with one character having multiple paths you have to wonder. My reason for this was this was originally supposed to be a short manga when I stumbled upon ren’py I thought why not turn it into a vn? While having another love interest would be nice for the player, it would’ve been too much of a task and time for me to take on in making sure that he worked into the storyline.

So in short, it’s because it’s more story based, and my inexperience with making an Otome. And the fact that I like really linear stories. I’ll get better!

Writing, Art, Coding, BGs, CGs, (possibly music) Will all be done by Miraiparasol (me)

PROGRESS
Number of endings: approx. 10 (2 spoof endings)
24-28 menus
Layout of story: 90% complete
Script: 33% (expected to be +20,000 words)
Coding: 10%
Sprites: 0%
CGs: 0 of 20 (number not definite)
BGs 0%
Music: 0%
Customization 0%


QUESTIONS
First Impression?
What do you think of the Premise?
How are the Character’s Personality?
I realize there is a lack of girls... should there be an additional female lead?
Should I get an editor?

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fleet
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Re: The Brink Of Debt [GxB] [Romance, Action, Vigil-Anti]

#2 Post by fleet » Thu Jul 03, 2014 11:32 am

I'll respond to your last question. Yes, get an editor. Your English is very good. Typos and misspellings have a way of creeping in, and the only way to catch them is to have a second pair of eyes look over your work.
All of my VNs are at http://wolflore.net Note: Downloads currently not working
Some are at http://www.the-new-lagoon.com. NSFW
Poorly done hand-drawn art is still poorly done art. Be a Poser (or better yet, use DAZ Studio 3D) - dare to be different.

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Re: The Brink Of Debt [GxB] [Romance, Action, Vigil-Anti]

#3 Post by CatyCats » Fri Jul 11, 2014 5:15 pm

Yaay i'm second to comment this! I've seen your art in deviantart at the visual novel group and i was thinking of you would have this on lemmasoft and you did!! :D

First Impression? First I was like, oh my god...boring, but after reading the story , I think I would like this story! Ofc I love more love interests but your story is unique so I don't actually mind! And suddenly turning into a criminal is more exciting XD

What do you think of the Premise?
I don't know that word T.T (translated though). If its the story , I said it above :o
Oh and the art is lovely! I've seen your deviantart but can't find your entirely gallery o.o

How are the Character’s Personality?
I like it. Oh my....a bit perverted? x3

I realize there is a lack of girls... should there be an additional female lead? Maybe someone as a friend for the main character or someone to make the main character jealous because the additional female lead is flirting with him. xp Or another bad character or or or..... (I realize I also don't have another girl in my story o.o need to brainstorming again TT)

Should I get an editor?
I can't answer that, you're English is fine for me, but if the others says so....your decision. I'm not English xp

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Re: The Brink Of Debt [GxB] [Romance, Action, Vigil-Anti]

#4 Post by Yokura » Sat Jul 12, 2014 2:52 am

Interesting setting~ I think it has the potential to be really good. Looks like you're focusing on a small number of routes so I really look forward to seeing it in great detail!

Character personalities look pretty mediocore right now. I'm not catching anything particularly unique about them that makes them memorable and/or lovable.

As for girls uh.. I don't see a reason to put them in at random if you're looking to fufill a certain male/female ratio. I find that really pointless. If you find a role for anther female, great! I wouldn't put one in for the sake of it though.

Editors are a good luxury :Db

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Re: The Brink Of Debt [GxB] [Romance, Action, Vigil-Anti]

#5 Post by miraiparasol » Sun Jul 13, 2014 7:57 pm

Yokura wrote:Interesting setting~ I think it has the potential to be really good. Looks like you're focusing on a small number of routes so I really look forward to seeing it in great detail!

Character personalities look pretty mediocore right now. I'm not catching anything particularly unique about them that makes them memorable and/or lovable.

As for girls uh.. I don't see a reason to put them in at random if you're looking to fufill a certain male/female ratio. I find that really pointless. If you find a role for anther female, great! I wouldn't put one in for the sake of it though.

Editors are a good luxury :Db
Thank you for your feed back! I was a bit worried about the small number of routes. You make a good point about how I can delve deeper into the details. So I will be sure to do that

As for the characters. I wasn't sure how much info to put on their personality, I kind of wanted to let the player "discover" the characters so I didn't want to put in too much (and I'm no good with writing bios). I'm still in the process of fleshing them out. Their descriptions, I will admit, seem very generic at this point.

I wasn't just going to put another female for the sake of another, certainly not. I had the idea of adding another female to contrast the protagonist. Since the protagonist is the only main female (the rest will be very minor characters). But then again I feel there doesn't need to be one because having so many males in the cast already makes her stand out enough.

Yes, editors are very nice! I have found a very good one close to home c:

again thank you your input!

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Re: The Brink Of Debt [GxB] [Romance, Action, Vigil-Anti]

#6 Post by miraiparasol » Sun Jul 13, 2014 8:12 pm

CatyCats wrote:Yaay i'm second to comment this! I've seen your art in deviantart at the visual novel group and i was thinking of you would have this on lemmasoft and you did!! :D

First Impression? First I was like, oh my god...boring, but after reading the story , I think I would like this story! Ofc I love more love interests but your story is unique so I don't actually mind! And suddenly turning into a criminal is more exciting XD

What do you think of the Premise?
I don't know that word T.T (translated though). If its the story , I said it above :o
Oh and the art is lovely! I've seen your deviantart but can't find your entirely gallery o.o

Thank you! I actually didn't post all of the images you see here in my gallery. The only one I did was Raine because I'll be updating it as soon as I get the base sprite art done (and these sketch portraits are temporary place holders until i get out the real art). But there will be more art put up on my deviantart concerning this project as I progress along c:
CatyCats wrote: How are the Character’s Personality? I like it. Oh my....a bit perverted? x3
Yes perverted, just a little bit... he's good at keeping to himself some of the time
CatyCats wrote: I realize there is a lack of girls... should there be an additional female lead? Maybe someone as a friend for the main character or someone to make the main character jealous because the additional female lead is flirting with him. xp Or another bad character or or or..... (I realize I also don't have another girl in my story o.o need to brainstorming again TT)

I realize after a bit of consideration there doesn't need to be one. Raine is a bit of a lone-wolf type so having a best friend would ruin that. And as @yokura said. "Don't add one for the sake of adding one". So if your story is fine and solid without the presence of another female, I wouldn't worry about it.

Thank you for your feedback!

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