Rite - Chapter1 [Adventure][Fantasy][Action][Episodic]

[mizuka]

Update March 1,2015 :
I decided to scrap of the idea of a demon and changed it a little bit. The plot is still the same though.

Title: Rite - Chapter 1
Genre: Adventure, Fantasy, Action
Rating: 13+ ( there might be some violence)
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Hi guys, this is my first VN project, the title is Rite. This actually is my project that has been developed secretly a long time ago, it's just that I didn't think I was going to make it into a game at first. I'm planning to make it an episodic game, but we'll see.

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Plots:

"There is a ritual that can make any wishes become true."

Two kids were having vacation in a foreign country. One night, they found a bleeding boy while they were lost. After being taken care, the boy revealed that he was one of the gang members and he would stop the gang from performing a ritual.

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Characters

Dan

Used to be a member of the gang but he was against the idea of performing a ritual, which can grant any wishes, and decided to leave the gang. Then he found out that the gang was going to commit crime and harm people, he threatened them to call the police. The gang ambushed him and he was stabbed. He managed to got away and saved by 2 people. His main objective is to stop the gang before anyone gets hurt.

Yuyuko

One of the people that found Dan. She and Silver were on a vacation. They found Dan while they were being lost. She is cheerful and energetic, but also caring at the same time.

Silver

One of the people that found Dan. He and Yuyuko were on a vacation. They found Dan while they were being lost. Unlike Yuyuko, Silver is calm and cool, usually don't talk a lot.

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Screenshots:

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Process:
-Plot : 70%
-Writing: 10% ( I'm rewriting everything)
-CG : 10%
-Characters ' sprite : 50%
-Coding : 40%
-Overall: 36%

Features:
- A map and exploring mechanic (Prototype)
- Quick time events (Prototype)

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Credit:
Some of the backgrounds are taken from Wikimedia common

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Some thoughts : Ideally, I want to create a game that is both dynamic and interesting. Although this is my first game, I try my best to make it by come up with bunch of ideas and try to put them all in game. I'm still a beginner with coding so I don't expect that everything can work properly right away. However, I want to hear some of the feedback from you guys about the game like what do you think so far, so I can improve the game.

[mizuka]

I have posted the download link for the game, you can download at here :link

About the demo:
- It's a little short but it contains a glance of the gameplay.
- The QTE and exploring mechanic are still under development. I might replace them or not include them in the full game.
- There are only 3 pieces of music so far, since I still haven't decided wether I will use the free-to-use resources like I did with the background or I will ask someone to compose music.
- The CGs are not fully colored, but they will be colored if this game is made into a full version.

If you have finished the demo, I would like to know:
1. What do you think about the game so far? What do you like? What do you dislike?
2. Who is your favourite characters so far ( although there are only 3 characters showed in the game)? Why?
3. If this game were made into a full game, what is your expectation?
4. Do you like the idea of QTE and exploring mechanic? If not, tell me the reason.
5. How is the story so far? Does it bore you?

Any questions or concerns (the art, the GUI,etc..), even complaints , feel free to tell me

Last but not least, I hope you enjoy the game.

[Suika]

1. What do you think about the game so far? What do you like? What do you dislike?
I like the concept. "A demon who grants wishes" made me think of Tenshi_na_Konamaiki's demon.

As far as Rite goes, I'll break my feedback into categories, as defined below. Keep in mind that the following is my honest feedback, and my personal opinion. It is intended to help you improve; I mean no offense by it.

Writing:
There were quite a few grammar and spelling mistakes throughout the demo. It would be beneficial to have someone proofread the script. It might help you to find an editor as well - they could help improve the flow and delivery of your story.
Personally, I found the third-person perspective to be a bit disorienting. Perhaps this is just my taste, or the perception I have of VNs, but I generally feel more comfortable reading VNs from the first-person.

Characters:
How old are the characters supposed to be? You used the term "kid" a lot, and in ways that made it sound like "young children" (e.g. when a character refers to her/himself as a "kid" it makes me feel like they are younger than if they were addressed by someone else (especially someone much older) as a "kid"). I got the impression that they were in the range of 12-15 years old. There isn't anything wrong with that, but their personalities and behaviours simply didn't match that age range. They all seemed very mature, and all of their actions seemed to be logical and well thought out. Their actions didn't make them feel like children.

On that note, you might consider fleshing out the characters a bit more - give them weaknesses and faults. Define their motivations (and give us readers a glimpse of them). It didn't feel right that the two foreigners took a complete stranger back to their room, and put themselves in danger for a cause they had no part of. I also didn't quite understand why they took Dan to their room instead of calling an ambulance, or going to a hospital (when they found him, the dialogue made it sound like it was natural to go to an inn instead of a hospital). There may have been perfectly valid reasons for all of these events, but I didn't see them expressed to the reader.

Plot:
I don't know enough to comment on the plot just yet. There are a lot of directions that it could take, and largely depends on how you execute it. Generally, however, I like the direction it is taking (even though it wasn't what I expected at first ^^)

Mechanics:
See question (4)

Episodic Nature:
I like it! Keep going!

2. Who is your favourite characters so far ( although there are only 3 characters showed in the game)? Why?
I like silver, but I think all three characters could use some more development.

3. If this game were made into a full game, what is your expectation?
1) Proofread & edited script
2) Mechanic concerns are addressed. See (4)

4. Do you like the idea of QTE and exploring mechanic? If not, tell me the reason.
I felt like I was being railroaded into making decisions quite often. The choices usually lead to the same place, and I didn't feel like I had much freedom with either the map or the quick time events. For instance, I played through with several different combinations of choices, but they all produced (more or less) the same script. See spoiler:

When presented with the options to "dodge the question," "lie," or "tell the truth" the only difference between all three choices was Dan's line directly following the choice. In the end, they all lead to Dan telling the truth and Silver catching the lie (if one was present).

The QTE when yuyuko was distracting the guards: failing the event didn't change the story line. Additionally, the QTEs that followed (e.g. the bottle throwing) all gave the same results for pass or fail as well.

The map forced me to make specific choices. I couldn't "not go to the park" for instance.

I want my choices to mean something, not just be arbitrarily available. I am a fan of the systems you put in place here, but I would consider cleaning up the choices, QTEs, and map displays if I were you. Try to make the majority of events have an effect on the story. Whether it is failing a QTE, deciding what to do for the day (via the map) or making a decision, the user should see that: a) they actually have a choice and b) their choice makes a difference.

5. How is the story so far? Does it bore you?
The story doesn't bore me, but the delivery could be improved (find an editor, proofreader, etc. - see above)



Final note:
Hopefully that can be of some use ^^. Good luck progressing further.

[mizuka]

@ Suika : Thank you so much for your honest feedback , I really appreciate it. And of course, no offense was taken

Writing:
There were quite a few grammar and spelling mistakes throughout the demo. It would be beneficial to have someone proofread the script. It might help you to find an editor as well - they could help improve the flow and delivery of your story.
Personally, I found the third-person perspective to be a bit disorienting. Perhaps this is just my taste, or the perception I have of VNs, but I generally feel more comfortable reading VNs from the first-person.

I'm totally understand your point, I have to admit that writing isn't my strongest strength, especially since English is my second language. If I were going to make it into a full game, I would definitely need find a proofreader. About the perspective, I do feel like first-person can be easier to follow and it's easier to write. My first intention was to make all three characters as the main characters. I didn't want to use the first-person perspective because it might mislead the readers to think that there is only one main characters.

Characters:
How old are the characters supposed to be? You used the term "kid" a lot, and in ways that made it sound like "young children" (e.g. when a character refers to her/himself as a "kid" it makes me feel like they are younger than if they were addressed by someone else (especially someone much older) as a "kid"). I got the impression that they were in the range of 12-15 years old. There isn't anything wrong with that, but their personalities and behaviours simply didn't match that age range. They all seemed very mature, and all of their actions seemed to be logical and well thought out. Their actions didn't make them feel like children.

They are all teenagers. Due to my lack of vocabularies, I couldn't find the right words.

On that note, you might consider fleshing out the characters a bit more - give them weaknesses and faults. Define their motivations (and give us readers a glimpse of them). It didn't feel right that the two foreigners took a complete stranger back to their room, and put themselves in danger for a cause they had no part of. I also didn't quite understand why they took Dan to their room instead of calling an ambulance, or going to a hospital (when they found him, the dialogue made it sound like it was natural to go to an inn instead of a hospital). There may have been perfectly valid reasons for all of these events, but I didn't see them expressed to the reader.

I can't really answer this one because it will give out spoiler ( I'm glad that you noticed that part). The only thing that I can say is everything will be clearer when the full game is release.

4. Do you like the idea of QTE and exploring mechanic? If not, tell me the reason.
I felt like I was being railroaded into making decisions quite often. The choices usually lead to the same place, and I didn't feel like I had much freedom with either the map or the quick time events. For instance, I played through with several different combinations of choices, but they all produced (more or less) the same script. See spoiler:

When presented with the options to "dodge the question," "lie," or "tell the truth" the only difference between all three choices was Dan's line directly following the choice. In the end, they all lead to Dan telling the truth and Silver catching the lie (if one was present).
The QTE when yuyuko was distracting the guards: failing the event didn't change the story line. Additionally, the QTEs that followed (e.g. the bottle throwing) all gave the same results for pass or fail as well.

The map forced me to make specific choices. I couldn't "not go to the park" for instance.

I want my choices to mean something, not just be arbitrarily available. I am a fan of the systems you put in place here, but I would consider cleaning up the choices, QTEs, and map displays if I were you. Try to make the majority of events have an effect on the story. Whether it is failing a QTE, deciding what to do for the day (via the map) or making a decision, the user should see that: a) they actually have a choice and b) their choice makes a difference.

To be honest, I made the whole demo to look like a tutorial/teaser so I decided to not give too much options or freedom to the readers (sorry about that). However, those problems will be fixed in the full game.

There wasn't a lot of things going on in demo because I removed stuffs that I planned at first.Don't worry, those things will be included in the full game.