Emissary of Starlight [Magical Girl] [Psychological]

[neuropsy]

Parallel to this reality lies a plane known as the Convergence. Within this realm, dangerous entities known as Shards roam about, feeding off malice and conglomerating into more powerful entities known as Fragments. The mortal world needn’t fear an attack, though, because of one basic mathematical principle:

Parallel lines never intersect.

At least, so the Magical Girls–-young women with extraordinary powers tasked to limit the influence of the Convergence–-thought.

When a Fragment escapes from the Convergence, the Magical Girls are sent into a blizzard of anxiety and confusion. Their cherub, a rather eccentric, raccoon-like creature, foretells of a tragedy soon to befall the mortal world. Unfortunately, his words are shrouded in ambiguity.

One morning, on national television, the image of a rampaging Shard dominates the news.

Solving the mystery of the tragedy poses as one challenge. However, the issues involving their sudden, newfound fame (or perhaps infamy?) with society riddling their path to discovering the truth may prove even more potent than any cliché, ominous prophecy.

Genres: Magical Girl, Psychological, Mystery, Modern Fantasy, Comedy, Dark, Friendship, Slice-of-Life

Characters

"I am tasked by the seraphim to assist you, regardless of your moral alignments."

Name: [NAME CUSTOMIZABLE]
Age: ???
Gender: Agender
Species: Cherub
Ability: ???
Arcanum: ???

The narrator is a rather pleonastic little fellow, observant and easily fascinated by the mortal world. He has a penchant for drifting off into abstruse monologues, regardless if or if not people actually understand him.

He is a jolly, if not whimsical little guy, intelligent but hopelessly naive about the world around him. His boundless curiosity is only rivaled by his strong, unconscious drive for self-actualization.

Although the narrator constantly thinks, he rarely acts upon his analyses. The seraphim have instated a code of conduct that emphasizes neutrality, and as his overseers, the narrator understands he must act obediently towards their instruction. As his friendship with the Magical Girls developed throughout the years he'd guided them, his perception that the seraphim are the apotheoses of 'correctness' begins to waver. However, he, whether consciously or unconsciously, refuses to acknowledge such doubts. The advent of the tragedy only exacerbates his struggle to suppress what may be budding disloyalty.

"The brain is our nexus to reality. Isn't it poetic how the thing we called 'consciousness' can be simplified into atoms?"

Name: Velleity
Age: 18
Gender: Female
Species: Human
Ability: Nervous System Manipulation
Arcanum: XV. The Devil

Velleity is a timid girl, insecure about her worth but nevertheless maintaining a plucky attitude. Beneath her downward-cast gaze is a very saccharine personality. She enjoys composing music box melodies.

She frolics on the border of mind and heart, possessing a keen sense of logic coupled with a soft soul. Her head, however, is in the clouds. Underlying her reticent demeanor is passion so great that it may illuminate the Earth.

Velleity frequently utilizes her magic outside of the Convergence, from fortifying her attention span to aid in studying to sending herself into a lucid dream that feels so real, it might as well not be a dream at all. She believes using magic is an excellent answer to her problems, although somewhere deep inside, she represses the fear that, just maybe, she'd accidentally trapped herself in a persistent illusion, and that the world around her may merely be a facet of her neurological magic...but that's just silly, right?

"Booze and sex don't mean shit compared to friendship. They're still awesome, though. Especially sex. And booze. And sex."

Name: Harmony
Age: 21
Gender: Female
Species: Human
Ability: Ethereal Sexiness Spatial Distortion
Arcanum: VI. The Lovers

Boisterous and sociable, Harmony's presence dominates nearly every conversation. With an aura of confidence, she prides in her lasciviousness despite the slurs thrown her way. Harmony, in summary, is a hardcore party girl.

Behind her jocular and overbearingly vulgar exterior is a young woman with an extremely empathetic heart. She is selfless, almost detrimentally so, only compounded by her incredible intuition.

Harmony dislikes solitude, as it has a way of shoving a mirror of her internal turmoil towards her when she'd rather distract herself with a more light-hearted activity. Despite her need for near constant socialization and her propensity for obscenity, her fear of losing her personal attachments drives her to act in manners contrary to her loving nature. When unforeseen events toss her into the spotlight during a time of great stress, she desperately clings onto the strings of her integrity as she feels it begin to loosen and wither away.

Credits

Sprite Artist: psyAlera
CG Artist: Toki
Backgrounds: I'm using free resources, but the one's included in the screenshots are from Uncle Mugen!
Logo: Skyevina
Writer: neuropsy

Author's Comments

Hello! I'm going to be the first to admit I'm a bit nervous about publicly announcing the development of my visual novel, but at the same time, I'm brimming with excitement. Funny how that works, huh? I have completed two other (very short) visual novels before, so this will be a very ambitious project I hope to complete before 2017.

Here's some stats so far:

The game contains 2,548 dialogue blocks, containing 27,160 words and 156,908
characters, for an average of 10.7 words and 62 characters per block.

If you're reading this thread and can spare a few minutes, I would appreciate it if you could answer some of these questions (you certainly do not have to answer all!):

1. What's your opinion on the synopsis? (For example, does it sound cliche, interesting, bare, etc.)
2. What's your opinion on the characters? (For example, does any one character stand out as particular interesting/boring?)
3. What's your first impression of this visual novel?
4. Fun question time. Based on what you've read, tell me what you think you foresee happening. I won't confirm or deny your response, but I'm sure the answer will be entertaining on both our ends. :p
5. Any other questions/comments?

Lastly, thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to view my little thread!

Also, I have a Tumblr devblog!

Screenshots!
(Note that the textbox + font are placeholders)

UPDATE 6/14/2016: Early Spoiler CG Below!-
http://i68.tinypic.com/e0sbqa.png

Ask the Cast!

In-character asks on the devblog are now open. If anyone (whether it be you or a character from your own story) is interested in personally asking the characters something, please click here! They'd love to answer your questions! Well, Velleity is a bit shy, but she'll do her best!

[sugarsaw1]

1. The synopsis hooked me immediately. I love scary dramatic fantasy plots. It sounds really exciting.

2. I really like the characters. I'm especially drawn to Harmony because I'm weak for characters with her general personality type. I like the character designs, too. I'd have to say my favorite design is actually the cherub's.

3. This is relevant to like all of my interests. It probably would have sounded really interesting even if it wasn't, though.

4. I'm no good at predictions. I leave that to other people usually. I'm guessing it ends melodramatically. That's really broad though, haha.

5. That logo is really pretty.

[neuropsy]

Thank you so much for your comment!

I'm actually relieved you like Harmony. I was somewhat afraid that people would dislike her since it seems a lot of anime/games emphasize the romantic and sexual purity of girls! I'm glad that's not the case with you. I will say the game gets much, MUCH worse for everyone in later chapters.

As a general update, the Tumblr blog is ready and should be updated along with this thread!

[tokya2502]

Hello! Here's my comment
1. The synopsis is great! A little vague but still got me hooked
2. I really like Vel's design and Harmony's a really interesting character. But I think the MC being a tanuki/racoon is super unique!
3. My first impression of this VN is hmm "The story's going to get dark soon, isn't it?"... And I dig those sorts of stuff!
4. Based on what I've seen, I think Vel's the first one that will break and Harmonie's more emotional than she looks, making it one of her biggest fatal flaws. MC's will be scammed (I think).
5. I really hope you could finish this project because it looks super interesting

[Taranee]

The abilities you chose for the magical girls are really cool! I like it that it sounds more like science fiction than fantasy, and also more mature.

"The brain is our nexus to reality. Isn't it poetic how the thing we called 'consciousness' can be simplified into atoms?"

I found my waifu ♥

[neuropsy]

Hello! Here's my comment
1. The synopsis is great! A little vague but still got me hooked
2. I really like Vel's design and Harmony's a really interesting character. But I think the MC being a tanuki/racoon is super unique!
3. My first impression of this VN is hmm "The story's going to get dark soon, isn't it?"... And I dig those sorts of stuff!
4. Based on what I've seen, I think Vel's the first one that will break and Harmonie's more emotional than she looks, making it one of her biggest fatal flaws. MC's will be scammed (I think).
5. I really hope you could finish this project because it looks super interesting

Thank you! Yes, the story starts getting relatively dark early on. I've made it a point, though, to avoid gratuitous suffering for the sake of suffering. I hope to include plenty of light-hearted moments within, too! I'm glad you like everything overall.

Now I must control myself from commenting on your answer to question 4...

The abilities you chose for the magical girls are really cool! I like it that it sounds more like science fiction than fantasy, and also more mature.

"The brain is our nexus to reality. Isn't it poetic how the thing we called 'consciousness' can be simplified into atoms?"

I found my waifu ♥

Thanks! I actually intended for the abilities to be more specifically rooted in science, despite their magical origins. It actually didn't occur to me until you pointed it out it sounds a lot like science fiction, but I think that's a good thing, haha!

No one has never waifu'd Velleity before. I'm honored on her behalf.

General Updates

As some general updates, I'm back from my vacation (it was fantastic!), and now my muse is absolutely voracious. I tweaked a few things on my devblog too, if anyone's following on Tumblr.

Oh, starting the next time I post, I plan to include trivia about the world/characters and such both on this thread and my devblog for fun. I hope to, in the future, be able to answer asks on Tumblr in character like some other devblogs I follow. For now though, time to get to work.

[Parataxis]

Hi! I've actually been secretly stalking this thread (And all the other MG VN I could find) before I joined the forum, so I thought I'd make a more official post now. Anyway, Questions!

1. What's your opinion on the synopsis? (For example, does it sound cliche, interesting, bare, etc.)
Truthfully I thought your synopsis came off as exceptionally vague when I read it the first time, but I think that's because I confused some of the terminology and thus missed that a monster had emerged in the real world. This is pretty interesting, though the way you phrased it seems to indicate that Magical Girls existed before hand and presumably fought Fragments before it broke through. Did they go into the convergence to do so? I am quite curious.

2. What's your opinion on the characters? (For example, does any one character stand out as particular interesting/boring?)
Both of the magical girls you've presented feel like familiar character types to me just from their profiles so the one I am most interested is the narrator, though I am not sure how much this is going to be his story. That said, of the two girls Harmony is probably my preferred character since I really like the brash loud boorish girls with secretly big hearts.

3. What's your first impression of this visual novel?
My very first impression (based on the misread) was that it was going to get mind-bogglingly esoteric pretty quickly with big themes and a lot of psychology. But this seems a big more grounded than that. I would guess based on the powers there's going to be a lot of play through with how the physical world affects the real world and vice versa which is a pretty cool theme for a Magical Girl story.

4. Fun question time. Based on what you've read, tell me what you think you foresee happening. I won't confirm or deny your response, but I'm sure the answer will be entertaining on both our ends. :p
Okay... Hm... well clearly while Harmony's powers will seem initially most useful, Velleity will actually be the more powerful of the duo. I predict they will eventually venture into the Convergence to stop the tragedy at its source and maybe get trapped there? (Or only one of them gets trapped)


5. Any other questions/comments?
I guess my only remaining question is why you picked the label "Psychological" for this. I have some theories, but there's nothing inherently about that in your premise which I find interesting.

Good luck! I look forward to playing this when it's done.

[neuropsy]

First off, thank you so much for your thoughtful and honest response!

Hi! I've actually been secretly stalking this thread (And all the other MG VN I could find) before I joined the forum, so I thought I'd make a more official post now. Anyway, Questions!

1. What's your opinion on the synopsis? (For example, does it sound cliche, interesting, bare, etc.)
Truthfully I thought your synopsis came off as exceptionally vague when I read it the first time, but I think that's because I confused some of the terminology and thus missed that a monster had emerged in the real world. This is pretty interesting, though the way you phrased it seems to indicate that Magical Girls existed before hand and presumably fought Fragments before it broke through. Did they go into the convergence to do so? I am quite curious.

Yup, Magical Girls existed beforehand and fought in the Convergence before one broke through. Velleity has been a Magical Girl for around 2 years and Harmony around 1 year, and they've mostly been living life switching between school in the real world and fighting in the Convergence. The story starts just before a Fragment somehow rips into the real world.

3. What's your first impression of this visual novel?
My very first impression (based on the misread) was that it was going to get mind-bogglingly esoteric pretty quickly with big themes and a lot of psychology. But this seems a big more grounded than that. I would guess based on the powers there's going to be a lot of play through with how the physical world affects the real world and vice versa which is a pretty cool theme for a Magical Girl story.

Actually, it's supposed to be heavily psychological!

5. Any other questions/comments?
I guess my only remaining question is why you picked the label "Psychological" for this. I have some theories, but there's nothing inherently about that in your premise which I find interesting.

Basically, I set off to write a story on how being a Magical Girl would affect someone realistically. For example, in stories, there are frequently characters who possess superhuman intelligence, and yet they only use their intelligence for the ends of their team instead of focusing their energy on developing cures for diseases. There are people with the power to control the weather, and yet do not go around the world trying to help drought-stricken areas and whatnot.

Specifically, for Velleity,

much of her story is realizing how she has the ability to manipulate the nervous system, and yet all these years she basically only spent her powers on fighting in the Convergence and entertaining herself by giving herself illusions when she could also be helping science find a cure for severe neurological diseases. This dissonance, combined with the whole "having to save the world" ordeal is immensely stressful for her, too. In order to stay functional, she manipulates her own nervous system to force herself to be happy--in a way, you could say her magic is like a drug. Her mental state descends from there.

I hope these answer your questions, and I look forward to your response!

[Parataxis]

Hm, that's interesting--it's really not at all what I got from the synopsis. I think the issue is that you focus so much on the convergence and the great tragedy that you don't spend a lot of time with the characters and their grounding points. You never once, for instance, in your info talk about what the girls reactions to fragments suddenly becoming public is. Do they suddenly feel unsafe in their day to day lives? Do people fid out that they're magical girls? Do they become famous? If your themes are more about (literally and figuratively) magic being dragged into the real world out of the safety of the convergence I would expect a little bit about how the characters will react to this huge inciting incident. Your character info seems entirely limited to the world before this happened--which is a bit like talking about Harry Potter only in terms of the Dursley's sad and abused nephew who never talks to any one and not mention that he's accepted to wizarding school. It's not wrong, its just leaves you thinking Carrie not Hogwarts.

That said I want to play the game even more now, so...

[neuropsy]

Your character info seems entirely limited to the world before this happened--which is a bit like talking about Harry Potter only in terms of the Dursley's sad and abused nephew who never talks to any one and not mention that he's accepted to wizarding school. It's not wrong, its just leaves you thinking Carrie not Hogwarts.

That said I want to play the game even more now, so...

You know, I did some thinking after your comment, and you're entirely right--I'm not focusing enough on the world after the inciting incident of the Fragment escaping! I thought the ending line of the synopsis where it says "One morning, on national television, the image of a rampaging Shard dominates the news." served as a decent hint that the visual novel would focus a lot on how society reacts, but reading it again, it does seem a bit ambiguous that I intended to focus on societal reaction as opposed to, say, stopping the Shard. I went ahead and added this at the end:

Solving the mystery of the tragedy poses as one challenge. However, the issues involving their sudden, newfound fame (or perhaps infamy?) with society riddling their path to discovering the truth may prove even more potent than any cliché, ominous prophecy.

I also added the following paragraphs to the character information:

Although the narrator constantly thinks, he rarely acts upon his analyses. The seraphim have instated a code of conduct that emphasizes neutrality, and as his overseers, the narrator understands he must act obediently towards their instruction. As his friendship with the Magical Girls developed throughout the years he'd guided them, his perception that the seraphim are the apotheoses of 'correctness' begins to waver. However, he, whether consciously or unconsciously, refuses to acknowledge such doubts. The advent of the tragedy only exacerbates his struggle to suppress what may be budding disloyalty.

Velleity frequently utilizes her magic outside of the Convergence, from fortifying her attention span to aid in studying to sending herself into a lucid dream that feels so real, it might as well not be a dream at all. She believes using magic is an excellent answer to her problems, although somewhere deep inside, she represses the fear that, just maybe, she'd accidentally trapped herself in a persistent illusion, and that the world around her may merely be a facet of her neurological magic...but that's just silly, right?

Harmony dislikes solitude, as it has a way of shoving a mirror of her internal turmoil towards her when she'd rather distract herself with a more light-hearted activity. Despite her need for near constant socialization and her propensity for obscenity, her fear of losing her personal attachments drives her to act in manners contrary to her loving nature. When unforeseen events toss her into the spotlight during a time of great stress, she desperately clings onto the strings of her integrity as she feels it begin to loosen and wither away.

Thank you for your input, and I'm glad it makes you want to play the game even more! I feel it really helped with my WIP thread. Now to add these edits on Tumblr...

[neuropsy]

Alright, I made some progress!

The game contains 1,805 dialogue blocks, containing 19,348 words and 111,671
characters, for an average of 10.7 words and 62 characters per block.

I'm currently waiting on some more sprites as we speak, so the next update should have more pretty pictures for everyone to look at. Meanwhile, have some screenshots! Please note that the textbox is a placeholder to serve as the very base skeletal framework of the final, more detailed textbox.

[LeonDaydreamer]

Hi neuropsy, I noticed this thread before, I thought I'd take a closer look since you posted some encouraging words on mine. :)

1. What's your opinion on the synopsis? (For example, does it sound cliche, interesting, bare, etc.)

It's a solid jumping off point. It reads like an anime to me in the sense that you establish a concept and create a nomenclature around its elements. Generally people know what to expect from this kind of story, and I get a good sense that it won't be like that at all. More than anything, I'm interested in seeing what Shards and Fragments look like ... also, I have to wonder, if there are 'shards' and 'fragments', whether there is an even bigger entity out there or if the idea of a 'whole' of some sort that may be reconstructed as fragments merge together exists.

2. What's your opinion on the characters? (For example, does any one character stand out as particular interesting/boring?)

The characters seem fun and diverse (really nice artwork, by the way). The two girls are very different from each other, which would probably arouse some funny dialogue between the two. To be honest, Harmony might be coming off as a little too vulgar, based on what's in the description. Of course that's her character, but I might be worried about turning some people off depending on how she is executed.

3. What's your first impression of this visual novel?

I'm struck by the maturity of the content and vocabulary I'm seeing so far. It definitely breaks away from your usual expectations for a magic girl themed story. It reminds me of Puella Magi Madoka Magica, which is also a surprisingly dark and serious take on magical school girls.

4. Fun question time. Based on what you've read, tell me what you think you foresee happening. I won't confirm or deny your response, but I'm sure the answer will be entertaining on both our ends. :p

Ah... I might say one of the girls may be forced to sacrifice herself to close the rift between the worlds? If that were the case I'd say it's Harmony who feels more mature, experienced, and protective of Velleity (who is the more innocent of the two).

5. Any other questions/comments?

Are there other magical girls in the story? When can we see some Shards/Fragments?


Good luck! :)

[neuropsy]

also, I have to wonder, if there are 'shards' and 'fragments', whether there is an even bigger entity out there or if the idea of a 'whole' of some sort that may be reconstructed as fragments merge together exists.

*whistles* Keen that you've noticed that... I can't say any more on that topic, though. :p

To be honest, Harmony might be coming off as a little too vulgar, based on what's in the description. Of course that's her character, but I might be worried about turning some people off depending on how she is executed.

I actually was worried about this! Once I release a demo, I'll probably see whether I should release a version that tones the vulgarity down. The game will have no explicit sex scenes though, even if the character is having fun with that behind the scenes. xD

Are there other magical girls in the story? When can we see some Shards/Fragments?

Yup, there are other Magical Girls! I'll update this thread once their sprites are complete. I'm focusing on getting the sprites for the girls first, but rest assured, you'll get to see how they look like. ;D

Good luck!

Thank you! It means a lot! I have to say that your thoughts are definitely going in the right direction, hehe.

[Feral Phoenix]

Dark magical girl stuff sure is popular nowadays, isn't it? I guess the Madoka Effect is still going strong.

This kinda means that there's an unfortunate risk of people not giving your game a second look if they're already bored with the trend, but I'm glad I took a closer look; there are just enough unique elements for me to find it interesting.

Velleity and Harmony's powers seem like they'll be fun to explore! Velleity's especially sound like a ticking time bomb for developing massive derealization issues. I'm kinda... worried... about Harmony... because characters like her are so rarely handled well by writers...... but if you can pull off writing her in a respectful way (i.e. without softening her in the name of character development/presenting her sexuality as a negative thing, pretty much) I bet she's going to have a really good story. Fingers crossed!

One of the things I actually see the most potential in is the role of the narrator! Since the big dark magical girl series boom has got its roots in Madoka, a lot (=way too many, in my personal opinion) of works in the genre tend to go with the same kind of "the mascot is evil/sinister/creepy/whatever" thing; I like that you're having the narrator be a complex character who struggles with his own agency.

Good luck with development! I'm curious about these mysterious other main characters, so I'll be popping into the thread from time to time to see if there's any new information on them. :>

[neuropsy]

I'm kinda... worried... about Harmony... because characters like her are so rarely handled well by writers...... but if you can pull off writing her in a respectful way (i.e. without softening her in the name of character development/presenting her sexuality as a negative thing, pretty much) I bet she's going to have a really good story. Fingers crossed!

I will say that that there will be no slut-shaming from either me or the narrator, as sexuality has absolutely nothing to do with someone's moral fiber. Other characters, of course, might throw slurs at her (for example, tabloid magazines stalking the Magical Girls)--but this sexism will be portrayed negatively. In no way does her sexuality diminish her altruism; she's portrayed as both sexually liberated and kind, not sexually liberated but kind. I'll give you a hint about her story:

Let's just say she's the most morally pure human out of the cast.

One of the things I actually see the most potential in is the role of the narrator! Since the big dark magical girl series boom has got its roots in Madoka, a lot (=way too many, in my personal opinion) of works in the genre tend to go with the same kind of "the mascot is evil/sinister/creepy/whatever" thing; I like that you're having the narrator be a complex character who struggles with his own agency.

I'm really glad people are showing interest in the main character! I'm really used to people overlooking MC's in threads, so the fact he's catching as much interest as the girls makes me happy. He cares a lot about the girls from the very beginning of the story. Since he's generating a lot of interest, here's a small snippet of his thoughts!

Code: Select all

    "Seeing these two like this pains me. Empathy... I think this is what I'm experiencing. I don't want them to be sad."
    "The seraphim are complicated beings, but I know not to question them. They are them, and I am merely me."
    narrator "You're right. I'm a cherub, and cherubs do not have the right to know the future."
    "I'm only thankful the Magical Girls did not ask: 'who does?'"

Thanks for wishing me luck! I hope I can keep your interest! ^_^

Minor Update: In-character asks are now open on my blog! The cast would love to answer everyone's questions, anonymous or not!