Manager-senpai [GxB][Slice of Life][Sports]

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myrt
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Manager-senpai [GxB][Slice of Life][Sports]

#1 Post by myrt » Sun Nov 08, 2015 7:34 pm

I won't be updating on this thread anymore as I've gotten the advice/comments I was looking for but I'll leave the basic descriptions here~~ I'll post the proper WIP thread one day (soon! - in a month maybe?)

Once again, thank you to all who answered my questions and/or displayed interest in this VN!


Hi there!

This is still an idea...well, I've planned out what the MC and other sprites are going to look like, plus written a full prologue, finished outline too, but I'm thinking I'll give this another 3 years before releasing it. However, I'd like some comments (if that's fine with you guys) and to see whether you're interested in this somewhat overused plot.

Basic Description:
The protagonist, [Himura Satomi], transfers from a school overseas to one in Japan, Goyama High. She doesn’t expect anything in particular...until she meets the baseball club. Rumors has it that the baseball club is full of problem students and everyone hates them. Fate tricks her into becoming the club manager even though she’d decided to dedicate this final year to her studies. She’ll meet lots of new people, encounter lots of crises, maybe even fall in love during this one year. She’ll laugh a lot, cry a lot and ultimately learn a lot in this one unforgettable year (well, maybe anyway).

This game contains very strong slice of life themes. It’s intended to make you feel “Ah, it’s great being alive after all,” but this may backfire, and make you feel a little depressed instead.

Genres: Comedy (??), Drama (?), Romance, School Life, Slice of Life, Sports

Why the name?
"Manager" because well, the MC will be the manager whether she likes it or not and "senpai" because even though it's pretty late for a 3rd year to become a respect-worthy senpai, the MC will work hard to become someone deserving of the title. But... it's not final and may change as I work on it.

The characters: (ignore the eyes hahahaha)
Image
MC, default name: Himura Satomi - Manager
Very smart, avoids conversation and acts very polite to avoid but is actually very pessimistic.
You'll have to eventually become someone with inner strength to defend the team.

Image
Teacher/Coach/Advisor - Shiiba Kiyoshi (may be just a non-dateable chara)
The popular young teacher who likes to help others in any field...
...at least until he joined the baseball club, which he helps and worries about everyone.

Image
Catcher – Ueda Ryouhei
Very smart and just...nice. Founder of the baseball club.
Psychologically cunning when it comes to baseball, so his route *might* be a little sad/dark.

[may end up being a side chara, so leaving him for now]
3rd baseman –Inaba Yoshinori
Not smart at all, and cheerful. Always caught with ero magazines - one of the "excuses" why everyone hates the baseball club.
He really likes to tackle things head-on in a game and serves primarily as a mood setter.

Image
Short stop – Akiyama Hayato
Shy tsundere who doesn't talk much at all - due to his ultra funny family who run a restaurant.
Supports the game from the shadows but no one ever "sees" him.

Image
Pitcher –Takahashi Daichi
Not smart at all, needs lots of help, doesn’t really like admitting it either. Gruff, proud.
Does well under pressure, as he's the ace (pitcher).

[I keep on drawing him chibi or making him look like a premature kid. So not yet]
Left fielder – Yanagi Mitsuhide (probably will cut him out though)
In summary...he's cute. He's the youngest here after all.
Talented at baseball (fast runner, predicts where balls will fall fairly accurately) but lacks confidence in general.

...Even though I've planned so many characters, I might cut some here and there.

Other comments:
  • Non-commercial.
  • There's a proper reason why the baseball club is disliked, but I can't reveal too much or it'll spoil someone's arc.
  • Potential for sequels and spin-offs but meh, I'm lazy.
  • A lot of blue skies. >_< Rain is an enemy!
  • If art goes all right, I'll be doing actual baseball CGs too.
  • 8 Endings. I'm an advocate for slice of life, so every guy character will get a good ending and point to the same "bad" end (warning - the good ends would be quite hard to get though) and unfortunately none of them will get the team to Koushien, unless you choose the other non-romantic end, which they do.
  • The current art is too rough of a sketch for me to want to scan it properly (I took a poor quality photo and lightly cleaned it). I'll do the eyes properly when it's the right time to do it (I'm gonna do the story first sorry). The MC's hair needs work as well - as I originally planned to have her hair in a ponytail but somehow it ended up being too thin. But leaving that aside...
Questions:
1. Would you enjoy yet another "club manager romance" story? It's pretty cliche right?
2. Do you mind that there'll be suffixes like "-san", "-senpai"?
3. Do you mind that the last name will be used more often than the first name in the story and full name will be often written as "[last name] [first name]"?
4. Which male character do you like the least? (well, there's not much about any of them, so you can skip this question)
5. Any questions you want to ask me? :lol:

Depending on the general distribution of answers, I might just target this VN towards the manga/LN community (which I'm more familiar with). Also, don't underestimate my determination.

Whelp, that's all for now. I might post some concept sketches later.

Have a great day and I'll be in your care then! ^^;
Last edited by myrt on Tue Nov 10, 2015 6:25 am, edited 7 times in total.

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Re: Manager-senpai [GxB][School Life][Slice of Life][Sports]

#2 Post by gekiganwing » Sun Nov 08, 2015 11:57 pm

myrt wrote: This is still an idea...well, I've planned out what the MC and other sprites are going to look like, plus written a full prologue, finished outline too, but I'm thinking I'll give this another 3 years before releasing it.
Please keep in mind that writing fiction is a challenge. It requires dedication, hard work, and patience. Ask yourself whether you're prepared to work on your story every day. Think about what you will do when writing becomes boring or frustrating. If the writing process does not go well, be sure to ask for help.

Be careful with the scope of your story. If you haven't already made a visual novel, consider start by creating a short story first. Many people have tried to create freeware VNs about challenging topics, ones that tell a long story, or ones with many endings or choices. A lot of those attempts never got past the planning stages. Some resulted in a demo, but nothing else. Only a few people have finished complex free VNs.
myrt wrote: 1. Would you enjoy yet another "club manager romance" story? It's pretty cliche right?
It's all about perspective. An idea which you think is cliche might be groundbreaking for someone else. A story that doesn't appear inventive might be improved with a different setting, tone, or perspective. Finally, story concepts that currently seem well-worn might need time -- in a few years, the ideas might seem refreshing.

I can only name one OJLVN which has a sports club manager protagonist. It's Asuka! ~Bokura Seitou Koukou Yakyuu Dan~, which is an untranslated story from 2010. The Visual Novel Database has a tag for School Baseball Club Manager characters. However, all but one other character is male, and the other girl on the list is not a protagonist.

Most of the examples in TVTropes' list of girls who are sports club managers are from comics or animated series. In the video games section, there are examples of female protagonists who can become sports team managers in the first two Tokimeki Memorial Girl's Side games.
myrt wrote: 2. Do you mind that there'll be suffixes like "-san", "-senpai"?
I don't think that honorifics are necessary. If you choose to include them, please make sure that a native Japanese speaker checks your story for errors or inconsistencies.
myrt wrote: Depending on the general distribution of answers, I might just target this VN towards the manga/LN community (which I'm more familiar with).
Some fans are dedicated to specific things they like about pop culture media. They focus on one type of art style, category of fiction, and/or format of storytelling. It can be difficult to convince a fan who's dedicated to serialized translated comics or prose fiction that they will also enjoy your story.

Not many freeware visual novels get noticed by people outside of Lemma Soft. I discovered some of my old favorite VNs thanks to this forum, but I suspect that only a few other people have also read them.

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Re: Manager-senpai [GxB][School Life][Slice of Life][Sports]

#3 Post by myrt » Mon Nov 09, 2015 1:57 am

First of all - thanks for your advice! =D
gekiganwing wrote:Please keep in mind that writing fiction is a challenge. It requires dedication, hard work, and patience. Ask yourself whether you're prepared to work on your story every day. Think about what you will do when writing becomes boring or frustrating. If the writing process does not go well, be sure to ask for help.

Be careful with the scope of your story. If you haven't already made a visual novel, consider start by creating a short story first. Many people have tried to create freeware VNs about challenging topics, ones that tell a long story, or ones with many endings or choices. A lot of those attempts never got past the planning stages. Some resulted in a demo, but nothing else. Only a few people have finished complex free VNs.
Heeh, that's interesting. The reason for my three years is probably because I plan to do everything (and it's only half the time I took to master almost everything about...uhh...scanlation everyday for 4-6 hours, even without a tablet). I've written short stories before, composed really complex music before, programmed a bit and awkwardly, annoying good at photoshop now. I'm a lover of computer mechanisms, so that's the reason I want to create a game. xD Anyway, dedication isn't really a problem for me though thanks for the advice!

The story itself isn't complex at all as it's pretty much built on cliches, because if it were complex, it wouldn't be slice of life anymore right?

Whelp, if I get stuck writing, I guess I'll just annoy everyone here with a bunch of questions. xD
gekiganwing wrote:I can only name one OJLVN which has a sports club manager protagonist. It's Asuka! ~Bokura Seitou Koukou Yakyuu Dan~, which is an untranslated story from 2010. The Visual Novel Database has a tag for School Baseball Club Manager characters. However, all but one other character is male, and the other girl on the list is not a protagonist.

Most of the examples in TVTropes' list of girls who are sports club managers are from comics or animated series. In the video games section, there are examples of female protagonists who can become sports team managers in the first two Tokimeki Memorial Girl's Side games.
I'm amazed...shocked even. It's really overused in manga and manhua.
gekiganwing wrote:I don't think that honorifics are necessary. If you choose to include them, please make sure that a native Japanese speaker checks your story for errors or inconsistencies.
Note taken! I've taken Japanese classes for several years, but I'll check with a native if I decide to put them in, just in case haha.
gekiganwing wrote:Some fans are dedicated to specific things they like about pop culture media. They focus on one type of art style, category of fiction, and/or format of storytelling. It can be difficult to convince a fan who's dedicated to serialized translated comics or prose fiction that they will also enjoy your story.

Not many freeware visual novels get noticed by people outside of Lemma Soft. I discovered some of my old favorite VNs thanks to this forum, but I suspect that only a few other people have also read them.
That is true. Then again, I'm a hybrid has awkwardly ignored typical conventions and the manga/LN community I'm targetting this for is a bit like that too. I might just a bit hesitant about such a central hub...not to mention unfamiliar. :/

Once again, thank you for giving me so much advice!

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Re: Manager-senpai [GxB][School Life][Slice of Life][Sports]

#4 Post by cath-mg » Mon Nov 09, 2015 1:15 pm

1. Would you enjoy yet another "club manager romance" story? It's pretty cliche right?
I guess it is, but cliche's good. I mean, there's a reason they're overused and it's (probably?) because people like it, so it's used over and over lol
But even with "club manager romance" story, if the characters are interesting and the story is enjoyable, I'd say it's all good!

2. Do you mind that there'll be suffixes like "-san", "-senpai"?
Don't mind at all. I understand why you would use them. I feel more awkward not using it, especially if the story is set in Japan, and in a Japanese school.

3. Do you mind that the last name will be used more often than the first name in the story and full name will be often written as "[last name] [first name]"?
Again, I don't mind because of the reason above. I say go for it if it makes you more comfortable! ^^

4. Which male character do you like the least? (well, there's not much about any of them, so you can skip this question)
From the description only, I'd say Takahashi Daichi? Because he has no good trait XD

5. Any questions you want to ask me? :lol:
Not a question but I just want to say I'll be looking forward to the concept sketches! Because personally if I'm hooked with the art, I would 101% play the game :P

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Re: Manager-senpai [GxB][School Life][Slice of Life][Sports]

#5 Post by Chasing Summer » Tue Nov 10, 2015 4:05 am

1. Would you enjoy yet another "club manager romance" story? It's pretty cliche right? It's all about execution. Also, as Gekiganwing mentioned, it doesn't seem to be common in the otome-world. I can't remember ever heard of or seen one, at least.

2. Do you mind that there'll be suffixes like "-san", "-senpai"? Um, I can't guarantee I won't giggle if I read "Kaname-sensei" or something in the middle of a serious moment, haha. But no, I don't mind. Many (if not most) translated VNs exclude them though, just saying.

3. Do you mind that the last name will be used more often than the first name in the story and full name will be often written as "[last name] [first name]"? Nope! This is a much better and friendlier method than the above actually.

4. Which male character do you like the least? (well, there's not much about any of them, so you can skip this question) Inaba... *squints eyes*


5. Any questions you want to ask me? :lol: You wrote "there's a reason why the baseball club is hated" twice. Might wanna edit that...

Also, when it comes to these stories that have simple plots, try to expand the depth of your characters beyond their stereotypes and make them memorable. Nobody minds a cliché story if at least some characters were entertaining and had interesting qualities to them. Right now, from the way I see it, the MC & Takahashi are the most interesting, since they both have rather troublesome personalities and thus lots of room for character development. You've described both the catcher and teacher as "cheerful" while Ueda is just "nice" - try to give them some depth? Or maybe you have, but you don't want to write it all down here. :)

Anyway, good luck with this project! Not sure if it's my style, but I'll be keeping an eye on it anyway.
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Re: Manager-senpai [GxB][Slice of Life][Sports]

#6 Post by myrt » Tue Nov 10, 2015 6:31 am

Firstly thank you cath-mg and Chasing Summer for your answers! I really appreciate them!

I've added to the character profiles (well, some more than others). I've already thought about stereotypes already and I don't know if the backstories I've given them are original or not, but I know it's definitely something I'd enjoy writing (though maybe not what you'd like to read though :lol: ). Anyway, I've added how their personality fits into the baseball club team. I haven't added how their personality specifically fits in relationship to their history, family or the MC though.

I do wonder, a little, which character you dislike the most now. xD

Anyway, added the concept art (sorry about the eyes!!! ...and the quality!!)

And whelp, I won't be updating this thread for a while. I want to do more decent work before posting a proper WIP thread.

Once again, thank you for everyone's thoughtful replies! =D

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Re: Manager-senpai [GxB][Slice of Life][Sports]

#7 Post by Chasing Summer » Tue Nov 10, 2015 8:50 am

The characters already seem more well-rounded, hurray!

I look forward to the future WIP thread. :D
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