Lorsqu'un sillement de suie peint les murs [free] [french] [introspection] [cyberpunk]

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Koinaiji
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Lorsqu'un sillement de suie peint les murs [free] [french] [introspection] [cyberpunk]

#1 Post by Koinaiji » Sun Jan 07, 2018 7:55 pm

chambre.jpg
Lorsqu'un sillement de suie peint les murs (only in french)

Genre: Introspection, cyberpunk, kinetic
1 choice
2 endings
About 11300 words
6 musics
Completed game

*Beware, this game contains serious thematic about death and racism. It might not be a good idea to play it if you have some depressions tendencies

English
Lorsqu'un sillement de suie peint les murs (When a buzz of soot paints the walls) is my first Visual Novel, so I decide to post it here. Sadly, there is no original image (the one present here is from the anime Another), but the writing and composing are from me.

Synopsis

A Devil is on his deathbed following the explosion of the factory where he worked. Now, waste and weight of the society, he is worthless and will have to adapt himself to a life of homelessness in the dirt of his own pulpit. Dying... The mesie will never allow him to live. All that remains is this confrontation, against a nurse usurping his will who tries to convince him to be mesianized, to become a perfect cyborg. Solely, now unemployed devil of the work that was his life, doubt can only suffocate him.

Français
Lorsqu'un sillement de suie peint les murs est mon premier Visual Novel, je décide alors de le poster ici. Il n'y a malheureusement pas d'image originale (celle ici présente appartient à l'anime Another), mais l'écrit et la musique sont de moi.

Synopsis

Un diable est sur son lit de mort suite à l'explosion de l'usine où il travaillait. Maintenant, déchet et poids de la société, il ne vaut plus rien et devra s'adapter à une vie d'itinérance dans la crasse de sa propre chaire. Mourir… La mesie ne lui permettra jamais de vivre. Ne lui reste plus que cette confrontation, contre une infirmière usurpatrice de sa volonté qui tente de le convaincre d'être mésianisé, de devenir un cyborg parfait. Seulement, maintenant diable chômeur du travail qu'était sa vie, le doute ne peut que l'étouffer.

Thank you and I hope you enjoy ! Please, do not hesitate to share your opinions.

Download
https://koinaiji.itch.io/lorsque

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Nighten
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Re: Lorsqu'un sillement de suie peint les murs [free] [french] [introspection] [cyberpunk]

#2 Post by Nighten » Sun Feb 04, 2018 4:38 pm

Koinaiji wrote:
Sun Jan 07, 2018 7:55 pm
Lorsqu'un sillement de suie peint les murs (only in french)

Genre: Introspection, cyberpunk, kinetic
1 choice
2 endings
About 11300 words
6 musics
Completed game
Bonjour Koinaiji !
I'm french speaker too, and happy to play a game in my native language!

It's kinda ironic but I will write this short review in English in regard to the forum's rules; If you want to talk or have some explanation I invite you to pm me :D

First, the writing.
I really enjoyed it; Dark and heavy themes aren't really my taste usually, but it radiates a kind of morbid “poesy”. The structure's strange but well done; Writing is your thing.
Some turn of phrase sound a bit odd or too sophisticated, but it doesn't happen often. For your next project, take attention that it doesn't break the reading flow.
To neat-pick a little bit, some lines fills the text box too much.

The univers is intriging and never explained clearly, this is the part I really enjoyed. The -near- absence of visual require more implication from the reader who can imagine freely what's happen (you know, like a book); In that case I think it's a good choice.

The sound design is great, I'm really impressed to see you composed every music. Their fit very well with the scene, except for the last of the first chapter.

The visual is really minimalist, like I said it's not a problem; But if you use an external image found on google in your next project, be aware of the license. It's not very dramatic for a first visual novel, but it's a good reflex to have for your futures productions. It should avoid you some problems.

Are you planning to translate your work? Or are you working on a future project? :)

Have a good day ~
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Chocolatine~*

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Koinaiji
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Re: Lorsqu'un sillement de suie peint les murs [free] [french] [introspection] [cyberpunk]

#3 Post by Koinaiji » Fri Feb 16, 2018 5:13 pm

Wow ! Sorry for the late answer, but seriously thanks ! Very much. Absolutely, I will send you a pm xD.

What do you mean by strange structure in the writing ?

>Some turn of phrase sound a bit odd or too sophisticated, but it doesn't happen often. For your next project, take attention that it doesn't break the reading flow.

Yeah, you're right, it was a disturbing me too... And I take note about the lines, I understand it's sometime just too much.

>The univers is intriging and never explained clearly, this is the part I really enjoyed. The -near- absence of visual require more implication from the reader who can imagine freely what's happen (you know, like a book); In that case I think it's a good choice.

Oh, I'm surprised that you liked this choice. Well, it's more cause I can't draw than a choice though xD. But for the lore, interesting that you liked it this way. I thought it was way too blurry

>Their fit very well with the scene, except for the last of the first chapter.

You're not the first one saying me that xD. Funny.

>The visual is really minimalist, like I said it's not a problem; But if you use an external image found on google in your next project, be aware of the license. It's not very dramatic for a first visual novel, but it's a good reflex to have for your futures productions. It should avoid you some problems.

Yeah, I note that too. I said from what the image is from, but it was stressing me a little about if I could post the VN even with an image found on google without the rights. I suppose I will have to try the drawing !

>Are you planning to translate your work? Or are you working on a future project? :)
Maybe I should, but I sadly don't think so. This is a first test that took me nearly 1 year and a half (yeah....). I think it should be better to take the experience I learn and make something in french and english. Maybe an j-rpg visual novel like ?

In any case, thanks a bunch for this precious critic ! I take this to heart, really ! And thanks for reading !

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