Jyuukyuu Tatari

[honoreixix]

Start: JKT001

??: Start the fusion. Keep watch of his stability.

What's going on. Where am I?

???: Fusion complete. Estimated time of development is three hours.

??: Three hours. Damn, I hope we'll last that long. Hmmm...

???: What do you suggest we do. This is by far the most successful yet. We can't afford to lose this one.

??: How long will it take for the Breach Generator to operate?

???: You idiot! Are you planning to send this to some other unknown dimension?

??: Would you rather let this one go to waste?

???: No! That's why I wouldn't want it to be sent somewhere unknown. He might not survive. Remember the first one? We didn't even know what became of it.

??: I know how you feel but this is the best we can do for him.

???: It's unfair. I finally get to have someone to...someone to care for and he'll just be sent to another dimension.

??: I know how you feel. I really do. I know it's hard but there's nothing else we can do.

I heard soft cries. I felt something warm touch my cheek. I felt something cold drop and roll down on my cheek.

Moments later, I could hear strange sounds and I feel myself being lifted and being taken somewhere.

???: Is it ready yet? We may not have much time.

??: It's ready to go. Let's hurry.

I hear noises outside. They are slowly becoming louder.

??: Hurry. Let's go!

???: There's not enough time to reconfigure the Generator for all of us. Just send him alone.

??: Are you sure?

???: Yes, I'm sure.

??: Named him yet?

???: Huh? What?

??: Rather than him have the name, Azrael mark two, it would be better if you named him.

???: A name... ... Learza... I'll name him Learza.

Learza? Is that my name?

??: Learza. That's a nice name. You know, I'm jealous of you, Learza.

???: Come on, Kai. We've talked about this already.

Kai: I know, I know, Kristen. I'm just saying you know.

Kristen: Alright. Let's do this.

An explosion shook the room or whatever it is I'm in now.

Kai: Hurry, now!

Kristen: It's ready to go.

Kai: Activating it now-uaaah!!!

Kristen: Kai!

Kai: Don't mind me! Just send him out now!

Kristen: But...

Kai: Now!

Kristen: Bye...

I felt something warm touch my cheek. And then nothing. I felt nothing at all.

Scene one: JKT002

Teacher: You can come in now, Mister Zrael.

The teacher beckoned me to come in. I walked into the room, clutching my coat tightly. I've had this coat for as long as I can remember and it seems to be growing just like I did.

Teacher: Don't worry, Mister Zrael.

I looked down on my right hand. A silver ring shone brightly on my middle finger. I've had this ring ever since I could remember as well. Somehow, it seems to grow along with me just like my coat.

Teacher: Class, this is our new student, Mister Learza Zrael. Please give him a warm welcome--

I'm getting bored of this. Where's my chair? Oh, there's a good place.

After the introductions, I walked over to the seat at the back nearest to the window. As soon as I sat down, I saw a crumpled piece of paper. I opened it and I read "Loser".

This things are childish. I don't have time for child's play.

I threw the paper out the window and sat there quietly.

School passed by instantly. Soon it was lunch break.

As the bell rang, I got up from my seat. Another paper ball landed on my desk. This time it read "Stay after school, Loser."

This is interesting. Hmmm. It seems like there bullies need to be taught something. And I'm just the perfect guy for the job.

I left the ball on the table and looked around. I was the only one left in the room.

Learza: ...

I looked at the paper ball again. I reached out my hand and flames shot out of my hand, incinerating the ball into a crisp.

After lunch break, some guy approached me. He looked like a nice guy. But the way he was looking at me was mixed with pity.

????: Hi, I'm Yukana Jairo. Zrael, right? Don't worry about those paper balls. Every new guy gets them. It's like of like a welcoming prank.

Learza: A prank eh? Hmmm.

Jairo: Dude, why do you have that maniacal look in your eyes.

Learza: Fufufufufu~

Jairo: Listen dude, just go with the flow. The more you counter it. The worst they'll try to humiliate you.

We'll see who gets humiliated. I've got a few tricks up my sleeve.

As far as I can remember, I can do strange stuff. Some might call it magic. Some might call it powers. But I call it a curse. Those curses did nothing but bring me trouble.

As soon as class ended, students started packing up to go home. I stayed behind to see what sort of prank they're going to try and pull.

After half an hour, nothing happened. I got bored and decided to leave. I turned the doorknob...and it was locked. It wasn't locked using a mechanism. It's like the door was glued shut.

I went to the window and jumped out. Slowly, I descended from the fourth floor. My feet touched the ground softly and I headed home.

The next day, there was a crowd in front of the classroom. I pulled out Jairo from the crowd to ask him what's going on.

Learza: What's with the hold up?

Jairo: Dude, someone glued the door shut last night. Now, we can't get in. I wonder if someone got trapped inside though.

So that's their plan. They wanted me to stay overnight. And when morning comes and the door opens, they expect me to run out screaming. It's genius. Only problem is, it's me they're messing with.

Learza: Let me give it a shot.

I made my way through the crowd and approached the door. I bumped across a girl in a long ponytail. She looked like she saw ghost. It wasn't a suprise as I looked like I was about to kill someone.

Learza: Fufufufufu~

The girl was suprised and made her way as far away from me as possible.

I reached the door and grabbed the doorknob. It wasn't locked but the door still wouldn't budge.

Teacher: It's no use Mister Zrael. That door won't budge. Unless you can break it, there's no way that it would open.

Learza: Can I break it Sir?

Teacher: Go ahead. I doubt you can though.

Wow, did he just give me permission to break the door? This teacher's a cool one.

I took hold of the doorknob and concentrated.

"Power that crumbles even the highest mountains. Curse of the Fortress."

Those words rang in my head.

One minute the door was glued shut. The next it was flying across the hallway. Some prank.

After a while, class resumed. The teacher explained to the higher ups that he gave me permission to break down the door. He just wasn't expecting that I'd rip it off.

Jairo: Dude, that was amazing. You totally sent that door flying.

Learza: Whatever. By the way, do you know who's doing all these pranks?

Jairo: Well, yeah, but you're going to find out too once it's all over.

Learza: Fufufufufu~

I think I'll have a little bit of fun for a while. Let's see if I can make this prankster show himself.

Lunch break came and I recieved the same message. "Stay after school, Loser." I wonder which one of us would last longer.

Just like yesterday, I waited. This time the door, which had been fixed earlier, wasn't locked but there were paper arrows lined up. I followed them and they seem to be leading up the rooftop.

I opened the door and there were about five water hoses aimed at me. This took some serious thinking, I have to admit. However, it's still just child's play.

Soon water gushed out of the hoses simultaneously.

"Frost that stops even the course of time. Curse of the Glacier."

I hear words in my mind again. At the same time, the water froze up up to the main water tank. I could see from here that the tank was also frozen solid.

Learza: two. Prankster: zero. I wonder what tomorrow will bring.

The next day, there was something written on the board. It said that I was a freak. What's this? Is he giving up already?

Teacher: Woah, this is all new. You must be a tough one, Mister Zrael.

At lunch break, I was expecting a note. The break ended and I haven't recieved anything. The day ended and I recieved nothing. Nothing at all. Aside from the water tank still frozen solid, everything was just fine.

Soon the students all left the room. All except for one.

It was the girl I had encountered when the door was glued shut. She seemed to be in deep thought. To be honest, she was a bit cute.

?????: *sigh*

Learza: ???

?????: ...!

Oh, it looks like she noticed me. Well, more like she'd seen a ghost.

Learza: What? Never seen another human before?

?????: (I don't even think you're human.)

Learza: What? I didn't catch that.

?????: I said you're a jerk! Leave me alone.

Huh, wha-?

Learza: Whatever.

I picked up my things so I can head home to my apartment. It's amazing how the orphanage is looking out for me. Looking back, that girl is looking, no, staring at me.

?????: ...

Learza: Why are you staring at me like I'm some sort of lab rat?

?????: What? Who do you think you are?

Learza: I'm Learza Zrael. I know perfectly well who I am. Geez, I don't have time for this. You're wasting my time.

?????: ...

Learza: If you've got anything to say, whoever you are, say it now or forever hold your peace.

?????: ...

Learza: Goodbye!

I put on my coat and turned around to leave.

Learza: Hmmm?

I stopped. Someone was tugging on my coat.

Learza: What do you want? Are you scared of the dark?

?????: Of course not!

Learza: Then why are you tugging on my coat? Do you have a crush on me or something?

Pow. A slap landed on my cheek. I pulled my coat free from her grasp.

?????: You have some nerve, don't you?

Learza: Speak for yourself, whoever you are.

Pow. Another slap.

?????: I have a name, you know?

Learza: So?

She was about to slap me for the third time. Before her hand could land on my face, I had already had my grip around her wrist.

Learza: What's with you? You're starting to annoy me.

I let go of her hand and started to open the door. As I did, I heard some soft gushing of water against something metallic.

I see what's going on now. Let's see what I've got under my sleeve now.

I let go of the doorknob and went to the window. I caught a glimpse of a video camera she's hiding behind her back. I pulled open the window.

Learza: Make this look good okay?

"Wings of an angel that carries everything in its wake. Curse of the Sky."

I heard words in my mind yet again. It has been this way ever since I was little. I'd do something weird afterwards.

?????: Hey, what are planning on doi--?

Before she could finish what she was saying, I had already jumped out the window.

As soon as I fell, my coat turned into a pair of silver wings. I looked up the window, waiting to see the look on that girl's face.

Pretty soon, she peered down the window. I flapped my wings and landed on the ground. The next thing I heard was a loud crashing sound and a short scream.

I flew up and entered the room. Things had gone better than expected. I saw that girl drenched and sitting on the floor with a small puddle of water.

I picked up the video camera lying on the floor. I turned it around and read "Hikari Nanase" on a sticker.

Learza: Hikari, huh? Smile!

I pressed the record button and pointed the camera at her. Looking into the viewfinder, I saw nothing but black.

Learza: Eh?

She yanked the camera away from my hands before I could even record anything.

Hikari: Freak! Just what in the world are you?

There was a sudden change of mood. Those words struck me like a bolt of lightning. She was right in asking. Just what in the world am I?

Learza: You're right, I'm a freak. I don't even know what I am. I guess you can safely say that I'm not human. Still, you're far worst than I am. At least I don't bully any newcomers here.

Hikari: Bullying? I'm not bullying.

Learza: Yeah, right.

Hikari: I was welcoming you. What's wrong with that?

Learza: Your methods are more appropriate for chasing someone out of school.

My wings turned back into my coat. I held it out to her.

Learza: Here. Else you catch a cold.

Hikari: Uh, thanks, I guess.

She blushed as she took my coat. She's kind of cute this Why can't she be this cute for a little while longer?

Hikari: But this doesn't get you off the hook yet!

Learza: What are you talking about?

Hikari: I'm going to tell everyone what you are.

Learza: Go ahead. No one will believe you anyways.

Hikari: Oh, they will. Once I show them some proof.

Learza: Which you don't have.

Hikari: I'll get it soon enough. You won't win against me.

Learza: Just watch me.

Hikari: Oh, I will. I'll be keeping my eye on you. I'll have my proof soon enough.

Learza: Whatever.

Geez, who would've thought it would be a girl this attractive. On the other hand, things just got a lot more interesting.

[Mikan]

What's going on? Where am I?

....

???: What do you suggest we do? This is by far the most successful yet. We can't afford to lose this one.

Watch out for those questions. Make sure they all have question marks.

I know how you feel, but this is the best we can do for him.

....

I finally get to have someone to...someone to care for, and he'll just be sent to another dimension.

Two complete ideas connected with a conjunction (and, but, or... etc) should have a comma after the last word before the conjunction.

By the way, the second sentence could be reworded this way: I finally have someone to... someone to care for, and he's being send to another dimension. This way, it doesn't sound like everyone said person cares for gets launched into another dimension. Surely he or she must care for his lab partner, but he is still around, isn't he?

This things are childish. I don't have time for child's play.

Oops, you meant these, right?


It's an okay story so far, but I wish there was a bit more variation in your sentences.
You have a lot of sentences that begin with "[Subject] [past tense verb] [object]...".

Take a look at how many sentences start with "I", followed by an action. Things could most certainly be mixed up a little. Try to describe what's going on without the people who are acting the action. (for example, instead of "I hear words in my mind again", "The words echo in my head"; or "I opened the door and there were about five water hoses aimed at me", "What waited behind the door was five water hoses ready and aimed to douse their target: me.")

Come to think of it, the protagonist describes everything in past tense. I can understand that for the first part of the story, since it is something that has already happened, but I'm not so sure about the past tense continuing on into part where the protagonist goes to school.

I am very concerned about the first part of the story (the setting was not described, so I'm assuming it was a science lab (maybe a cryogenic lab? or a Stargate?) of some sort) and the main character's relationship to the first part of the story, but since the main character doesn't revisit what happened in the first part of the story very much, it seems to me that the story so far is about dealing with the present and worrying about the future. ....which then makes me wonder -- if only the present and the future are important to this protagonist, why have the first part?

If the lab is unfamiliar to the main character, describe it in such a manner. If his memory is hazy, make him remember it like a dream, or have him question himself if it even happened. Try to describe unfamiliar things by their shape, size and color rather than by what they do or what they're called. If the main character can see, describe the figures saying the voices as they appear to the main character. Big black blobs standing in front of a bright light? Strangers in lab coats? Put yourself into the main character's shoes.

[honoreixix]

Thank you for the constructive comments, i appreciated it...

ahehe, i always forget those question marks...

If the lab is unfamiliar to the main character, describe it in such a manner. If his memory is hazy, make him remember it like a dream, or have him question himself if it even happened. Try to describe unfamiliar things by their shape, size and color rather than by what they do or what they're called. If the main character can see, describe the figures saying the voices as they appear to the main character. Big black blobs standing in front of a bright light? Strangers in lab coats? Put yourself into the main character's shoes.

ah, this will come in later... i mean the lab part...