Geist of Demonic Absolvement

[zetsu]

Hello, first post here. Also first project, though I have been working on it for a while. It's part of a larger story but the only one I'm doing as a visual novel, and it's also standalone. It's a sort of murder mystery set in a fictional, yet similar world. Here's a poorly written quarry:
A small island off the coast, Kairyuujima. In the middle of an average summer, horrific murders are committed one after another. A young resident, Yusagi Kaoru, becomes caught in the middle as the people around him become more and more suspicious. From the rich new resident, to the policeman that everyone knows, to his own best friend; who can he really trust? As the web of conspiracy spins further and further around him, he is faced with bigger questions: What is the secret behind the Shiome family that has ruled the island for generations? Who is the shadowy man stalking his friend? What is the "demon" said to reside on the island? What is actually happening on this island? Yusagi must discover the truth hidden among the lies before he is found as the next victim.
The main issue is, as you might guess, art. I am not an extremely adept artist, but I could theoretically draw. However, I am clueless as to painting programs and would rather have a talented artist for this project. Character sprites are the priority, with backrounds and CGs being extremely minor right now. I would appreciate any help the community could give, and welcome any feedback. I have the first two chapters, though they are extremely rough and I plan on touching them up ASAP. Thanks.

[N0UGHTS]

From the rich new resident, to the policeman that everyone knows, to his own best friend; who can he really trust?

:lusts after all of the above:

Uh, that's a... The title, I'm having odds with... Especially with the word "absolvement." Unless I'm mistaken and it is a word.

Well, I'm gonna be a little frank here... The conflict is cliché. You're really gonna have to be a good writer to pull this off without boring me (and perhaps many other people). Especially since there's progress in development with a similar plot. Another obstacle you'll probably run into is adding depth to the characters. I'm not saying that all characters in horror works are like this, but in my experience, a good many (not all) of them were... Well, they were given roles instead of souls. (No, I didn't mean to rhyme there. Though I should keep that phrase in mind...) Yes, let's go with that.

...Also, have you been to Japan before? I'm gonna be picky about the accuracy of the portrayal of the game's setting. You must have hydrangeas... :laughs:

[Dusty]

This doesn't have ghostly/demon stuff, right?

Also, we don't like murder "mysteries" where clues are hidden until after the murderer is revealed. That draws the undying ire of <insert scary thing>. Don't do it. Give us the clues, too. Don't be stingy with your plot points, then we'll love you forever.

the word "absolvement."

I think s/he means "absolution."
Hey, y'all! Don't use big words if you can't noun your verbs.

You must have hydrangeas... :laughs:

...

[N0UGHTS]

...What? ...Does liking flowers compromise your vision of a virile N0UGHTS by making adding "feminine" traits? ...You know, there's a biological reason for the love and attraction to flowers! Flowers are a sign of rich lands and therefore rich lives! And flowers have been historically embraced by men in the Western culture, too! Not that I'm a man. I'm not a woman, either. No, I'm a persona, and personas are not restricted by... Oh, what a terribly warped persona I am.

Bah, never mind.
I suggest the word "Absolving" instead of "Absolvement". Maybe that works better?

[Dusty]

A small island off the coast, Kairyuujima... What is the secret behind the Shiome family that has ruled the island for generations? Who is the shadowy man stalking his friend? What is the "demon" said to reside on the island? What is actually happening on this island? Yusagi must discover the truth hidden among the lies before he is found as the next victim.

Wait. Just realized. This sounds like The Tempest. This also sounds like Lost. This sounds like the time we had to analyze Lost in terms of The Tempest. I suggest giving The Tempest a read.

Agh, this is bringing back bad memories.

Clearly, the "demon" and the "shadowy man" reference The Tempest's idea of the monster being defined by disguise and illusions. The Shiome family references Prospero and his power over the island granted by magic. Ooh, this could be good. Nostalgia+10pts.!

---
Off Topic:

stuff

You're giving me PSL. My PSL is manifesting in the form of "...".

[Guest]

Absolvement is a word, just a very antiquated one. And I guess I wasn't clear; it doesn't take place in Japan, or even on earth, but in a different universe, a fictional world, in the equivalent of the mid nineties. I use Japanese names and such because, being a fellow weeaboo, I like the sound. Many of the characters(all of the heroines of the story) have meanings to their names, such as being named after seasons. Others, like the main character, are purely for aesthetic value. It's just a preference.
There are five routes to the story, one "introductory" where there are no choices, following the completion of which you can choose from 4 heroines. There are three goals to the story: to figure out who is doing the killing; to figure out why; and to learn the past of the heroines, to figure out the whole story. The killer(s) change depending on the route you take, and during play the reader should never be certain. Now, no, there are no demons or ghosts, really. I mentioned before, that it was part of a larger series of stories. Well most of those are more along the lines of action/shounen than your standard novel. The focal point of the fighting is something like the will of the person given form, called "aura", simply enough. You can do pretty much anything with it, but it would take too long to explain. In this story, the "demon" is an aura ability that causes people's impulses to grow dramatically and "overload". So if you had the impulse to do something, you would have an irresistible urge to do that. That's the only super-natural aspect to the story, as large as it is.
I know it's all a little cliche, but I am confident that I can present it in a way that's entertaining and engaging. So if people could overlook that and the pretentious name, I think it will be enjoyable.

[Hyperguy]

...What? ...Does liking flowers compromise your vision of a virile N0UGHTS by making adding "feminine" traits? ...You know, there's a biological reason for the love and attraction to flowers! Flowers are a sign of rich lands and therefore rich lives! And flowers have been historically embraced by men in the Western culture, too! Not that I'm a man. I'm not a woman, either. No, I'm a persona, and personas are not restricted by... Oh, what a terribly warped persona I am.

Bah, never mind.
I suggest the word "Absolving" instead of "Absolvement". Maybe that works better?

You know how I know you're gay?

In all seriousness, a N0UGHTS thread would be more appropriate for this banter.

I use Japanese names and such because, being a fellow weeaboo, I like the sound. Many of the characters(all of the heroines of the story) have meanings to their names, such as being named after seasons. Others, like the main character, are purely for aesthetic value. It's just a preference.

Here here!

I know it's all a little cliche, but I am confident that I can present it in a way that's entertaining and engaging. So if people could overlook that and the pretentious name, I think it will be enjoyable.

Even in a cliche plot, strong characters can make a story. I salute your efforts.

Also, we don't like...

Who's we?

[zetsu]

The "Guest" post was me, if you couldn't tell, I thought I was logged in but somehow wasn't. In any case, yeah, though it seems obvious, the focus is on the characters. It isn't so much about the craziness of the murders(like Higurashi, for example) but on the reasons behind the actions. The conflict is person vs person, not person vs supernatural force. The supernatural aspect is just a plot point.
I may not be very talented at drawing, but I believe I'm reasonably talented at working with clay. I have character models for all the main characters.
The males
From right to left:
Yusagi Kaoru
Age: 16
Main character. A good kid who spaces out a lot. His favorite thing is the ocean. He's known Natsume most of his life, but although he would like to change the nature of their relationship, he is satisfied as it is....?
Hiro Tobiko
Age: 19
A friend of Yusagi. A cop with a morbid sense of humor. Not the kind of guy who seems like he would become a cop, but it is important to him. His most important thing is....
Maku Ihara
Age: 31
Banker who recently returned to his hometown. A nice guy, but gets lost easily. Dresses like a tourist.Though the real reason he moved back....
Minoru Takega
Age: 19
College student on summer break. Extremely sarcastic, he always seems to have a twisted smile on his face. He enjoys nothing more than "thrills".
The females
From left to right(sorry for the discrepancy):
Natsume Shiome
Age: 16
Main heroine. A playful girl, who doesn't seem to take much seriously. Yusagi's best friend, she cares for him a lot but whether that will evolve is up to the player.
Shijime Shiome
Age: 34
Fuyume and Aime's mother, and Natsume's aunt. The head of the Shiome Mansion and family, as the last remaining adult. Her relationship with Natsume is not very good, but she is a loving mother.....?
Fuyume Shiome
Age: 14
Natsume's younger cousin. An adorable girl. Despite her usually cheerful smile she can be as fickle as a winter day.
Aime Shiome
Age: 15
Fuyume's sister. A quiet girl who always has headphones on. She doesn't speak much except with Fuyume and Haruya, both of whom she is very close with.
Haruya
Age: 17
Fuyume and Aime's personal maid. A kind girl who has served the Shiome family all her life. She takes her job seriously but she is, above all, a normal girl.

Those are the main characters, there are some less important ones of course but I don't have character models for them. The story is always a work in progress so the characters are always evolving.

[Tsundere Lightning]

I am tentatively interested in doing art, especially if any amount of money would be involved. I wouldn't mind throwing some character designs your way for free, either. Check out my stuff at my DevArt and post here or PM me if you're interested.

[Dusty]

Also, we don't like...

Who's we?

(We were) I and the person (whose name I won't reveal on the Internet, but was) standing next to me (at the time).

[N0UGHTS]

You know how I know you're gay?

HAH! That's where you're wrong! :holds up magazine: How do you explain this?!
Marvelous. B's Log... Where's my Yuri Hime S?

Even though the legs are sorta disproportionate to the rest of their bodies, you're pretty good with clay. At least, compared to me. And there's a wide array of characters... Nice. A few years from now... Man. I bet you'll be very good by then.

Question... Is this your first "story," or are you used to writing? Because if you're "new," you're sort of an oddity to me... In my experience, "new" writers start off with stories containing 1-3 lead characters. Well, not that number can really apply to an ADV... I guess for ADVs, most people start off (writing) a project with 1-5?

You know, I've been here a little while, and I've read over many in-development "dark mystery" projects. And I haven't played many... Here's to looking forward to this one!

[zetsu]

I've written a lot before, and I have a lot of other ideas for stories, but this is the first time I've seriously started working on one. I'm used to having really large casts, so this is actually kind of a change for me. The heroines of the story are the four younger girls, since I can't really see a 16 year old getting with a 30-something year old. Though stranger things have happened.
And thanks, I think I've gotten a lot better over the past year. They were, as one friend put it, "bad CLAMP doodles". I think I've gotten to at least "good CLAMP doodles".

[zetsu]

Update, for anyone who actually cares, but I'm doing a sort of 0.000001a demo. No art yet, but the first day(more or less, the first chapter) is done.
Download
Read it if you want, I know it needs some work but I'm relatively happy with the progress. Except of course for the lack of character sprites. I would be interested in commissioning someone, but give it a read and then if you think you would be interested, PM me.

[N0UGHTS]

Before anyone asks, you're going to have to put the file in your Ren'Py folder and execute it like you would when editing a game. That is, put it among your Projects. :p

Not done with it yet, but my biggest initial opinion:
Too many consecutive ellipses...

God-like octopus? Cthulhu reference?

EDIT: Okay, just finished playing what you had so far. I'm going to be honest. (Warning, honesty is brutal.)

The writing was really amateur... Not made any better by the "weeaboo" style. You tried to make the characters deep, but the way this was executed was sloppy. Examples:
—How the story suddenly starts getting serious and there are long monologues about fate and luck... I don't think it's adding any depth to the story. It's adding stuff to the characters, but to me, it's just adding more and more cardboard to the characters...
—The surf shop scene, it did introduce a character. But he wasn't very interesting, and there was no character development from what I can see.
—When Natsume became serious and expressed her detest at Ihara... Not compelling. Something I've seen before. And though her past was a bit interesting, it started to drag on... Really killed the flow in the story. Though take note, all the "serious scenes" also soiled the flow for me.

And, here are some little things:
—The transition on line 184 doesn't flow all that well. The new music track and such starts out abruptly. Also, the transition from "playful and talking about sea monsters" to "angsty and melancholy" was sloppy... The execution made the whole thing pretty cheesy.
—The American tourist stereotype is not something ladies go for. (;-_-) Though the car... Also, I doubt anyone would feel that a man with such gaudy clothes gives off an "air of importance." :laughs:
—And of course, there are a few typos here and there. :p

In short: I don't see anything yet that separates this from typical "weeaboo" fanfiction. It really needs work.

There. Now you may kick me for voicing my honest (and therefore brutal) opinions. :p

[zetsu]

If the "weeaboo"ness is really such a problem, just read Yusagi as Yogi, Natsume as Nancy, Ihara as......O'hara, Shiome as Sheppard, and Kairyuujima as Key West. Would you also like some cheese with your whine?
As for the other stuff, I'll probably just sound defensive no matter what I say, so I'll just leave it at "take it how you will".