Doppelganger (GXB,mystery,horror)+demo [on hold]

[ofdawnandtwilight]

Maybe I could. I've proofread a few scripts and from your demo, I guess there won't be heaps of mistakes.
Well, if you'd like me to that is.

[azureXtwilight]

Hey azurextwilight! Long-time fan, first-time poster here! I just finished the demo of Doppelganger and I have a lot to say about it.

I <3 Lee. At first, I found him kinda creepy since he's your stalker-ish childhood friend, a type I don't really like because it usually feels pushed on to you. Ironically, as he got creepier, I warmed up to him more. Maybe it's because I have a thing for yanderes, not just creepy people.

Ahh, no worries. XD
He's meant to be creepy, and like everyone, he has a good side and a bad side

Clifford's cool too. Usually, I don't like teasing, mysterious guys because their constant cryptic hinting gets on my nerves. But Clifford's teasing was quiet enough for me to tolerate instead of get irritated over. Although he reminded me more of Russia from APH than Clifford the big red dog.

Actually... The way Clifford teases Lucia is more like he's aware that what
he's about to say will be rejected by those who hear him.

Raphael's too cheery to not like. He's just so adorkable, especially he takes a nap standing up while you guys are getting a lecture. It kinda broke my heart when

the epilogue showed that his legs get broken and he can't lead the basketball team to the national tournament.

And everything shown in the demo ends there. Wahaha.

Blake was alright to me. He was lazy and a little pushy when it came to his opinion on the essay, but other than that, he didn't really stand out to me. Well, other than the fact that he was kinda cute. <3

Well... Let's just see what Blake has in his shelf! <3

Yuri... Eh... Maybe's just my taste in characters, but I didn't really like him. Especially after the way he treats Lucia in the beginning.

Well, majority likes him a lot XD Actually, I agree with you... But a kid from a broken-home, I guess he has reasons.

I know that the player character should be flat to some extent to let the player put themselves in their shoes, but Lucia doesn't really feel like how you describe her. You call her a snobbish girl who only thinks of herself but the only people I find her really cold toward are Anastasia and Blake. Even then, it's understandable because Anastasia is a bully and Blake is incredibly lazy. She's polite toward everyone else, even if she's a little reserved.

Hm, it's because of my friends' opinion, really. I'm glad she's not too snobbish, because I don't want an unlikable heroine. But I don't want the heroines to be flat, because that doesn't really give me drive to write the story XD

I'm really interest in Jun and Shuang. Jun looks like she has a few things to hide, especially after dragging you back to the school for a pencil case full of... pencils (and a *suspicious* pin.) Shuang is just adorable, especially when

interacting with mystery!guy in the epilogue. Is this a new OTP I smell?

She reminds me of Nunally from Code Geass, so my theory is that she's the motivation for another character. I hope Shuang doesn't turn into a hapless damsel in distress though.

Everyone kinda says that! See above posts~There are three OTPs in this game, really. You can guess who is with who. XD But you're right about her being a motivation. Someone is desperate, and that's because he's infatuated to her.

I understand that this is only a demo right now, but some of the mistakes with writing were really jarring. I know you don't have a proofreader yet but I can't help but nitpick and take notes. I included my full notes as a file because posting it here felt too long. I hope you don't mind.

Most of the mistakes I labelled as 'grammar' are just inconsistencies in tense. I couldn't tell if you were trying to write in present or past tense or if you were switching back and forth between scenes. If I'm wrong in any of my grammar/tense notes, just ignore me. But as a general note in the future, try to keep whatever tense you write in clear and constant, even if you switch back and forth in certain scenes like flashbacks or whatever.

The stuff that's in asterisks are my reactions and errors that didn't have anything to do with writing, like the wrong image showing up.

But overall, this was a fun demo to play! Thank you for releasing it for us~

Why, thank you very much! I will be fixing them once I get done with many, many things X_X

P.S: Will Doppelganger turn into a series? The sub-title 'Dawn of the Inverted Souls' reminds me a lot of the sub-titles of the Fantasia series...

Um, no. It's just making the game specific to find in google. Wahaha.

To nero : Thanks! Will be sending the demo script ASAP!

[Lumen_Astrum]

Search in Google? XDD
(Reminds me of GGRKS LOL xDD)

And oh yeah, I see reasons why Iggy haz no path D<

[azureXtwilight]

Spoiler tags please -_-

[Lumen_Astrum]

Oopsie. Edited.

[lepapillonrouge]

I thought that was kind of a given, since he's in MoGF anyway...

[Lumen_Astrum]

Because Iggy needs not one ending in each game? xD

[azureXtwilight]

Because there are still people who thinks he is obtainable

[Lumen_Astrum]

I actually thought before he is obtainable :O But then realizing they ARE similar I went WTH xD

[Coren]

I AM BACK SO I AM GONNA DOWNLOAD NAO KTHXBAI

[NeryNight]

Hey,
I played the demo ( it is really good! Can't wait for the full game) and I notice that the second time you talk to Jun on the phone the face that appears is Lee's. You might want to fix that. Keep up the good work.

[azureXtwilight]

Thanks, and yes there are so many reports about that

[Riviera]

*phew*

For a moment I thought I'd clicked the completed games instead of the WIP. First thought: WOW, it's done already?!

Then I realized T_T

I'd really like to proofread for this when the time comes. If, of course, the legion who've already asked haven't filled all the slots yet.

[Coren]

First, before I review, I shall give some random comments:

- "This is Luke" from Lucia made me lol.
- CLIFFORD IS A META-EXISTENCE! (I love Umineko references)
- Hehe, Azure, I love how you have Clifford commenting about the true path... >D Shocking revelation~
- Shuang's teddy bear... How old is she?
- Haha, I like Lee's serious face.
- Bad Jun, leaving Shuang and ******** out... (Btw, they're my favourite characters in the game. Not so much in the demo because of their tiny roles, but in the whole game >D )
- Shuang doesn't so much have Saya-like hair like I described. XD Not that prominent, at least. Not that I dislike it though.
- HAHA AZURE YOU ARE SO DEVIOUS WITH THE **** MENTIONING THAT THE CULPRIT'S SPRITE HAS ALREADY BEEN MADE >DDD
- Someone's got to turn off the lights....

REVIEW

Now on to my review as a "normal player", as you would call it. Which means I'm only going to review the demo, not the stuff I already know. XD

Lucia
She's not the "extremely bossy" character that Azure mentioned she will be, but I don't dislike it. Any bossier Lucia gets and she will be irritating as a main character, and people who didn't read Azure's warning beforehand will get annoyed with her and not really want to play the game. Apart from it, she definitely seems to be the kind of person who is practical, but is still hurt by emotions, so I'm happy that Azure managed to convey that out in her dialogues. GJ! She's not exactly pretty or cute unlike the Fantasia heroines or the other female characters, so I actually like that change. I'd much rather her OTL like her because of her personality rather than her looks. Also, all shoujo heroines are cute and stuff, so it's boring. Also, I like how Lucia already obviously has a crush on someone in the beginning of the game. I'd like to see how she overcomes that crush on another guy's path.

Lee Zhuyuan
I actually like him most of all out of the specified obtainables. Maybe it's because he's Chinese like me, maybe it's because of his niceness, or just his kind of close-to-yandereity protectiveness of Lucia. I have to give kudos to Azure for making him look masculine even in his casual outfit when his hair is down. I liked Lee's sudden flinching when he noticed that Lucia could see Clifford. I want to know all those things he must be hiding about the truth! He really is a curious character.

Yuri
I have to say the first time I saw him, he was extremely dislikeable. Who likes a delinquent guy who beats up people for fun anyway? Even later, I can't say I really liked his character, but I guess he became better when he softened up to Lucia a bit. Though however, I'm thinking there is a proper reason he dislikes his mother and brother? If he's just wangsting I'll dislike him more. I just never liked these people who are mean on purpose, you see.

Raphael
At first he seems like the jock type, but he sure is quite oblivious I guess. And quite the ditz, too. He's fiery (like his hair) so he gets credit for that... Can't say I like him a lot, but I don't dislike him. As a character he's a fun guy, but he might not really be boyfriend material. He is very involved and diligent in basketball though, and he got knocked down by a car... that's so sad.

Blake
Now he seems more like a playboy type than Raph does, but he sure is lazy. His funny "Luke and Leah" stuff make him quite an interesting character though, I say he'll be my favourite obtainable after Lee. And Lucia's interactions with him are entertaining with the "Luke" stuff, and Lucia bossing him around on purpose.

Clifford
OH CRAP I FORGOT ABOUT HIM---
He's cynical, but he can be idealistic at the same time, and he knows a lot, and I think that's pretty cool. Scratch what I've said about Lee and Blake, I think Cliff ties with Lee. Just what does he know? It sure is curious...

Anastasia
At first she just seems like an annoying fangirl who got more than what she deserved, but I know that Azure isn't gonna plan for something so boring and cliche. There's something more planned for Anastasia, right? Hell yeah...

Shuang and ???
They play quite minor roles in the demo. Shuang's the nice girl, and ??? is the mean guy. Sure. Just wait for the full game!

And now I'll go drink a cup of tea.

[azureXtwilight]

@Kirro : Why you... Aaargh! XDD
You dropped many bombs, and thanks!

It seems that kirro's going to proofread cliff's path. How about riviera fixing the demo script?