Scifi story idea [hlp needed]

[riverruns]

So I'm running a visual novel project and I have music already and my sister is a artists but Im working on the story. I think the writing is the hardest part. I know storys need a beginning and a middle and an end. I have a beginning I really like and some ideas for the end. I have trouble with thinking about what is in between.

I guess I'm hoping to get an idea if it is good enough to make. I hop you like it though. It may not be very good but I hope you like it.

(ps. someone said it sounded like there was a lot of sex or something. There is no sex. spaceships can't do that.


Sentient spacecraft of all kinds are roaming the galaxy. Some are man-created and some are alien that have immigrated to Human space. Sentient spacecraft in the human systems must abide by the laws of the system they are in. Enforcers, sentient warships employed by earth government maintain order and serve arrest warrants. Another class of spaceship are "Tool" craft, those piloted or controlled directly by humans. Tool craft may have limited AI on board, but they are bound to serve their masters. Analogs to slaves could be drawn, but since their level of conciseness is tightly controlled it's a little more humane.

Deep space sentience rarely interacts with other intelligences. Aside from a close companion, neighbor or occasional traveler, there is not much chance to socialize in the well of nothingness. Therefore, the personality of our main character, in contrast to the hardened attitudes and cynicality of inner-system dwellers, is one of a shy, uncertain girl. Spaceship Moe. An exotic tribal loli from a remote is how I'm imagining her anthropomorphism.

Illegal immigration of spaceships is a huge problem: When you consider the surface area of our space borders, It is nearly impossible to defend all fronts. The protagonist and heroine, was one such illegal immigrant ship was arrested after wandering into human space. At first, she tried to flee and in the process disrupted a trade ship, causing a collision. Eventually, she was caught in a static-web and the Enforcers closed around her. Frightened, she fired her (under-developed) cannon at the approaching law enforcement, wounding one before they subdued her.

There was no trial. Sentience guaranteed rights, but there was nobody to advocate for a poor lost spacecraft. They stripped her plating off, rendering her nubile hull vulnerable. While she was held in their containment field, two enforcers came to her. One held her down while the other brutally removed her cannon. Taking an interest in her exotic biology, the enforcers played with her, probing her superstructure and examining her ports. Content, they left the helpless machine to wither in physical and psychological agony. A fine mist of venting fluids filled the holding field, their droplets combining and parting effortlessly in zero-g. The next morning, she is taken to the area where she will serve her imposed sentence.

Enter: Battleship Prison.
A massive complex in orbit around SOL that acts as a prison for sentient ships. The first part of the game is about the heroine, learning to live as an imprisoned ship. She is trying to mentally cope with the brutality of prison life. Her undeveloped social skills and submissive attitude lends her to be bullied and molested by other ships.

She does make friends. Well, actually some established ships take her under their protection out of pity. Slowly, under their careful guidance, she starts to fend for herself. Just as she begins building real confidence, she is threatened and forced into supporting a breakout attempt. The would-be escapees are all recaptured or destroyed, but in the midst of the action, she sees an opening and escapes herself.

Now a fugitive with nowhere else to turn, she meets up with the original escapees outside contacts. A group of combat ships. They are initially mistrusting, accusing her of setting up their friends but they realize that she was innocent of that.

[Auro-Cyanide]

Okay, taking this story completely seriously, I can see some problems arising from the actual story and how much it will appeal to a general audience.

First and foremost, there are really strong connotations of rape and that is not really appropriate for the general forum. There are younger people here to think about.

As for the actual story, sentient machines are a very niche market, but it does exist (I have come across man-eating condor planes, nothing surprises me). I'm just not sure if that niche market coincides with the VN niche market. My first question would be why these had to be machines? Everything else is human driven, just applied to machines. The story would work just as well with humans, if not better. Sticking human conditions on something that is not human, not even organic, can come across as a little forced and is probably not the best way to write it. Why would machines have the psychological profile of a human? They wouldn't. They wouldn't have the same physical limitations as humans and so would not have to respond in the same way. You need to actually create something new if you are going to write this type of story, create a different profile for them to live by. Much in the same way people design aliens. There has to be some common elements for humans to relate too, but when it is the same as a human but not human, it starts to fall into uncanny valley and it makes humans very uncomfortable. I'm not sure why, it is a really interesting human reaction.

Which brings me to my third point, which is to make sure that you think about the reasoning behind the story. Like, who created the machines, what kind of AI do they have, how do they maintain themselves, what resources do they exist on? People can make jumps in logical, but because of the type of thing you are writing, you probably want to try and ground it in reality as much as possible so that people will be more accepting of the story as a whole. Don't try to over explain it in the story, just know the reasoning yourself and make sure that comes through in the development of the characters and the worlds.

Overall it is a very original story, but I do think you are going to have to give it a lot of consideration. Writing about machines is not the same as writing about humans. There are different things to be aware of. I read a story about a AI house that existed after a nuclear attack. All the humans were gone and the only living thing was a dog. the story was told from the house's perspective and it was a very strong and interesting way to tell the story. Those are the types of things you need to consider. I can't really help you about what happens in the middle of the story without knowing the end. but it is a problem I have encountered as well. The best way I have found is that certain things need to happen or change to get to the ending. you have to figure out what need to be the catalyst for those things to happen, and then do your best to string it together in a chronological format that builds up the climax. This is a big part of writing, so you need to just tucker down and write and see where you go from there. It may also help to write out a plan or flow chart of events before you write.

[Sapphi]

I love this idea. I do agree with Auro-Cyanide that it might be better if you focus more on qualities that ships have that would tie into their personalities without necessarily giving everything a human equivalent. I feel that it might be stronger if you eliminated the "exotic tribal loli" thing, also. It doesn't seem like you need it. You can write the ship to be expressive enough that it is unnecessary to have it display human emotions visually.

Then again, if you're going the Wata no Kuniboshi route (Cats appear as cats to human characters, but to themselves and to the viewer they are little people) I can see how human-looking forms might work.

I'll be following this thread. It might be niche, but I am definitely a fan of sentient machines.

[Greeny]

Sorry, but the sentient spaceships idea seems a bit off.
I mean, sure AI is great and all, but spaceship prisons? Spaceships harassing spaceships? And what's to stop humans from just disassembling spaceships that don't follow the rules?

More importantly, there seems to be no actual point to it. If you can just replace all the characters with humans, why make them spaceships in the first place?

It's just my honest opinion but I wouldn't take such a story seriously.

[Taleweaver]

So I'm running a visual novel project and I have music already and my sister is a artists but Im working on the story. I think the writing is the hardest part. I know storys need a beginning and a middle and an end. I have a beginning I really like and some ideas for the end. I have trouble with thinking about what is in between.

Your story is, in essence, a very personal, very humane story about social outcasts and their role in strictly structured societies. The fact that your protagonists are all machines doesn't change much about that - your game will come across as a sci-fi metaphor. And that's absolutely great - the best sci-fi works are all metaphors for human conflict. Consider 1984, Fahrenheit 451 or even 2001 - all of them about aspects of human society and human nature.

My advice would be to look for real-life examples of the people you're writing about. Look for what illegal immegrants have to say about their lives. Read about how they are looked upon by society and how they are harrassed by bureaucracy and police alike. Read books about life in prison, and about societies that form in prisons, and how living in a prison changes people. And then take this input and write your story.

It's going to work. Definitely. Your concept (intelligent spaceships) doesn't need much explanation; if you want to, you can think of a few reasons why there are intelligent, sentient spaceships in the first place, but that reason can be as easy as "AIs can't steal your spaceships". That's not the plot point of your story. Focus on the human drama, and you'll succeed.

[TsukiShima]

I think this story is very interesting, because thinking that the heroine had spent her time in prison, and escaped to the world, full of ships, a conflict between AIs and Humankind. I'm really interested in science personally, and it's a bit rare to find VN regarding them, because they are mostly for action-based game.
I guess the real theme of this story is AIs vs Humans and Friendship.

I can't comment much, because I am bad at building a story. But I surely want to see this story as a VN one day.

[Aleema]

I personally feel the metaphor is rather ham-fisted at this point. If you take out all your instances of "ship" and replace it with humans, you'd honestly not need to fix anything but saying the MC fired her "underdeveloped" cannon. But even that is alluding to the fact that she is organic, since I've never really heard of machinery being "underdeveloped" -- because if they are, then they're broken.

Also, calling the MC "Spaceship Moe" here makes me think this is all a joke or not serious ... And to piggy back on what some others have said: I would be waaaay more interested in the Ai vs Humans story. A man falling in love with his ship or something is what I *thought* was going to happen. Instead, I find that ships are almost just vehicles (no pun intended) to writing an enslaved loli story which you would otherwise feel uncomfortable doing?

(ps. someone said it sounded like there was a lot of sex or something. There is no sex. spaceships can't do that.

Spaceships also can't "molest" each other or be "nubile". This is all a joke, right?

I think what you have so far focuses on creating an alternate universe where people are ships. Not that ships are now sentient. I say that because there is no instance of people ever really mentioned in your synopsis. It's just ships communicating with each other in very human ways. If you don't want to tell any Human&AI story and want to just keep doing what you're doing, then ignore me.

[LVUER]

Perhaps she wants to make story where spaceship are similar to those in Tenchi Muyo universe?

[dott.Piergiorgio]

well, I have read about (but not seen) a japanese sci-fi movie called "Lorelei the witch of the Pac Ocean" whose can give the missing plot device for the sentient starships (no spoiler, but trust me, IS the core plot device and basis for this sci-fi context

and, being a Naval Historian... please take it easy, but I'm really rotfling at this debate on "harassing, molesting, raping and bothering in general applied to starships" because I known very intimely (pun intentional ) the ways of doing these things between seaships, up to being second nature the writing of programs for ballistic and penetration tables calculations (pun intentional again )

Best regards from Italy,
dott. Piergiorgio.

[yummy]

This is a very interesting concept, with a rather well-developped prologue.

You have the required basics covered: a set universe, with its own problems, a main character (or a point of focus), the pre steps to a more complex story; with a hint towards evolution (based on the underdevelopped cannons, that might evolve into better cannons).
This could probably convert into a "shounen" story.

Perhaps, you could stress out the politics, the different ideologies, the different forces (since I reckon there isn't only human space territory), the different military forces, the communication systems, the means of space travel, the biological differences, etc.

Perhaps you could introduce characterized allies, or buddies so that there will be more placeholders. It will surely add more interest if you play with character interactions.