Controlled Chaos; or, Second Origins (demo up to Ch 8)

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Watercolorheart
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Controlled Chaos; or, Second Origins (demo up to Ch 8)

#1 Post by Watercolorheart » Tue Aug 08, 2006 5:52 am

February 24, 2007: Please see the 10th page for the download.

I haven't hooked it to my sig yet.

----------

Um. This really was an overnight thing, but you could just as easily say that I'd been thinking about writing it again for years. I pushed it together into a text demo. The rest of my comments are in my dull readme file.

No, I don't smoke crack.

It's a story about a struggling android and cyborg girl, and several other characters that come into play later on. It's a bit of a dystopia, but not completely.
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Watercolorheart
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#2 Post by Watercolorheart » Tue Aug 08, 2006 5:56 am

Here's a picture.

You know, I don't do drugs, but I did take Calculus 2. Maybe that ruined me.

I think I forgot most of it, though. I still have nightmares about proofs of quadratic equations.
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#3 Post by denzil » Tue Aug 08, 2006 7:20 am

Wow. It was very interesting to me as I like sci-fi.
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#4 Post by DaFool » Tue Aug 08, 2006 8:37 am

Sounds interesting :o

This is just a demo, right? I'm a bit hesitant to read through it and would rather read the completed story.

And Calculus 2 is nothing, not compared to Calculus 3 and Vector Calculus (which I failed with a solid F by the way :shock: ) Now whenever I write something initially intended to be romantic and slice-of-life it turns into an action drama complete with drive-by shootings and exploding cars.

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#5 Post by monele » Tue Aug 08, 2006 3:19 pm

"But what she is even sadder : ..." > "But what she is, is even sadder :" ?

And just ... wow :). It was a bit hard to read and comprehend but it was really captivating :D. It's the kind of game that would benefit (imo) from the "inline link" system that could give further informations on terms (such as simplified definitions and maybe your own notes about it). You could even make it pass for a data storage system of Bion ^^.

Well, given I managed to read this when it's just text... I should enjoy the full product muchly ^^

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#6 Post by shaja » Tue Aug 08, 2006 3:49 pm

I quite liked it. The premise is pretty interesting, and seems to have a lot of space for story.

The script is slightly awkward in a few spots, but I thought the scifi elements were introduced in an understandable way, overall.

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#7 Post by DaFool » Tue Aug 08, 2006 4:18 pm

from the authors .txt:
I just wanted to see if anyone liked it ... I've gotten a lot of negative feedback on it, and I'm not at all enthused about continuing it ...

On the other hand, I never asked anyone who was a fan of science fiction ... I guess some people were turned off by the complexity of it.
I've read 10X more sci-fi novels than fantasy novels. I don't know who the other people who critiqued your work read (if anything at all), but this so far is solid. In fact, it feels very competent, if not for someone with a background in science and engineering, then definitely for someone who knows scifi literature. You have good premise and insights. This CAN work as an anime-style drama, sort of like Metal Idol Key + Serial Experiments Lain + Planetarian

If you polish the image of the distopia of humanity, you'd have a winner.
Just my 2c :)

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#8 Post by Watercolorheart » Tue Aug 08, 2006 8:11 pm

Any suggestions are always appreciated. I think that the dystopia is best perceived through Yukina's actual memories. Bion's bland summary of events would lose something there, don't you think?

Casualty statistics are just numbers until it becomes personal.

Um ... thanks for the few reviews, everyone, I'll try to keep on writing it.

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#9 Post by Watercolorheart » Tue Aug 08, 2006 8:13 pm

monele wrote: It's the kind of game that would benefit (imo) from the "inline link" system that could give further informations on terms (such as simplified definitions and maybe your own notes about it). You could even make it pass for a data storage system of Bion ^^.
So, in other words, an excuse to implement a footnote system that I once asked about on the Ren'Py subforum, and bother PyTom for coding again? ^_^
Well, given I managed to read this when it's just text... I should enjoy the full product muchly ^^
Yes, hopefully with good writing, it will only improve with visuals. But, I really should be writing right now on another project, so thank you for your input.

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#10 Post by monele » Wed Aug 09, 2006 3:45 am

BCS wrote:
monele wrote: It's the kind of game that would benefit (imo) from the "inline link" system that could give further informations on terms (such as simplified definitions and maybe your own notes about it). You could even make it pass for a data storage system of Bion ^^.
So, in other words, an excuse to implement a footnote system that I once asked about on the Ren'Py subforum, and bother PyTom for coding again? ^_^
Didn't he already code something for this ? I thought it worked already ô_o... hence the suggestion.
Yes, hopefully with good writing, it will only improve with visuals. But, I really should be writing right now on another project, so thank you for your input.
Given other comments, you can be sure you have more than a few people interested, so at least, whenever you feel like working on it again, you'll know it's not a project going to waste ^^

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#11 Post by PyTom » Wed Aug 09, 2006 8:59 am

Didn't he already code something for this ? I thought it worked already ô_o... hence the suggestion.
Yeah, hyperlinks have been around for a while now.
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#12 Post by Alessio » Wed Aug 09, 2006 5:29 pm

Even not being a SciFi freak I liked the introduction. Intriguing, and I'm wondering where the story is going. Very good style IMHO, and the title picture looks gorgeous. By all means, go for it, I'm sure there'll be enough people who like your finished VN.

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#13 Post by Watercolorheart » Wed Aug 09, 2006 6:52 pm

Alessio wrote:Even not being a SciFi freak I liked the introduction.
Thanks, that's what I needed to here. As for where it's going, I think that part of it is history ... and the next important part of it will be the present. But, if I didn't set the stage with the past events, it would mean nothing to the readers.

Watercolorheart
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#14 Post by Watercolorheart » Fri Aug 11, 2006 11:18 am

Chapter One needs a debug to figure out why it doesn't display the proper sketches :/
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#15 Post by PyTom » Fri Aug 11, 2006 11:30 am

You need to move the image statements up into the init block. I need to make Ren'Py complain if it sees an image statement outside of an init block... I thought it already would.
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