A little Writing from my Game

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Enigma
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A little Writing from my Game

#1 Post by Enigma » Sun Jan 08, 2012 6:21 pm

Like the title says, I'm looking for a little critique/proofreading. You know, I want to know what works, what doesn't, stuff that could be phrased better, stuff like that.

Code: Select all

 $ re = Character('Reina', color="#c8ffc8")
    $ se = Character('Seven', color="505050")
    $ g1 = Character('G1n', color="901090")
    $ k1 = Character('K1n', color="901005")
    $ ha = Character('Haruka', color = "200000")
    $ rig = Character('Rigby', color = "000090")
    $ ver = Character('Versus', color = "407020")
    $ d = Character('Doom', color = "990000")
    $ que = Character('???', color = "101010")
# The game starts here.
label start:
"So far away from now, there lies a time of despair "
"At the end of its time, the human race slowly fell to disease, war, famine, and pestilence"
"As all species do, humanity was, if left to its own devices, nearing extinction"
"Science had no answers, and so humanity fell to their own depravity it was an age of violence"
"In the twilight of humanity, a single man stepped forth, with science that defied all
previously accepted laws of physics, this power was aptly dubbed magic"
"Under this man’s power, the world enjoyed over ten thousand years of peace"
"This man was the Alchemist"
"However, at some point, this utopia was disrupted by the magic that had founded it"
"The Otherkind, monsters created from human bodies twisted by magic, and human minds destroyed by the pain of the transformation"
"After such a long peace, mankind was weak, without one another to fight they lost the sharpness that came with conflict, and so soon, humanity faced extinction once more"
"A one hundred year time of fear followed"
"Humanity hid in underground shelters, none dared near the surface"
"However, there was one man who rose to fight"
"The Second Alchemist, the first man to use magic as a weapon, he was named Sartana"
"Others rallied behind him, and for the first time, magic became a weapon, for the first time, a magical army was formed"
"They were called Bloodbane"
"With a cry of “never shall I sin again” these Blood Knights charged into battle"
"Among these knights twenty two were known as the Arcana Knights, one knight who could match one thousand others"
"With the Arcana Knights at their back, thousands of men, women, and even children fought against the monstrous enemy known as the Otherkind"
"Finally, in the climax of the war, Sartana died at 137 years of age"
"Despite this loss Bloodbane won the day"
"The Arcana Knights of Chariot, Hierophant, Judgment, Justice, Death, Star, and Lovers also fell in the battle"
"As people began to rebuild their lives, Bloodbane built a massive city known as Arkham was constructed"
"The Arcana Knight of The World retired her sword, and returned to raise her home from their underground shelter and rebuild the west"
"At this time, this was the only village independent from Bloodbane, as time went on most of the western half of what had been called the United States in antiquity were independent of Bloodbane, and Bloodbane ruled the eastern half of the country from Arkham
However, Bloodbane wanted more the organization came to secure the western lands, but the independent city states returned their aggression."
"Civil War followed"
"Echoing the civil war of the America of Antiquity, it was among the bloodiest battles in history"
"Most notable of the soldiers during the time, was a boy named for the final judgment…Doom"
"He had been a child solder from a village known as Hokuda that was destroyed in a single night, he was the only survivor"
"He grew into one of the most gallant of Bloodbane’s knights, and became the Second Generation Arcana Knight of Judgment"
"He fought with no backing, and in his time, killed more people than the ancient disease known as the Black Plague"
"Then one day, he betrayed Bloodbane, and killed hundreds of cadets at the military academy, Miskatonic University"
"Pursuit was fruitless, but rumor circulated, he’d gone west."
"So close, and yet out of Bloodbane’s reach, there was the country of Arulan"
"The border state between the independent west, and the Bloodbane ruled east"
"Never before had there been such a hive of depravity and iniquity"
"The country was built and sustained by the labor of children, who were considered second class citizens with no rights, able to be bought and sold at their parent’s leisure."
"Children were forced to sacrifice childhood for a life of hard labor."
"It was a sign of wealth to own many children to do your bidding, and no one had as many servants as the king"
"He had a servant for all his needs, cooking, cleaning, and other, more deviant, duties."
"There were signs of unrest of course."
"It was obvious there would be. Even the other independent states rarely mingled with them."
"The only reason that the country still stood was because the independents needed them, without a strong border state, Bloodbane would have the advantage"
"Still, from within the country there were protests, but the protestors were gunned down in the streets."
"There were small insurgences, but they too died at gunpoint."
"The soldeirs of Arulan were picked at birth, and trained vigorously, mentally and physically..."
"The resistence cells didn't stand a chance"
"A revolution seemed out of the question"
"People lacked the right to keep arms, and using magic took practice."
"Not to mention the lack of physical strength in the children"
"(the scene changes here)"
"The moon was behind the clouds, and the castle was secluded from the lights of the city" 
"The other servants had been ordered not to disturb the king that night"
"A nobleman friend of his had sent him something special, and he couldn’t wait to use it."
"It had been taken up to his bedchamber."
"By all accounts it was better than any of the other ones he had used before"
"When he saw it, he felt that he’d wasted his money buying the others."
"He’d never even had one come close."
"While he usually preferred them younger, he wasn’t about to refuse this gift, he hurriedly undressed himself while it looked away."
"The way its face became red despite its dark skin made it seem cuter."
"He turned out the lights and moved toward the bed."
"He put his lips to its, but there was something wrong with the way it felt and also"
"There was a smell"
"It wasn’t very familiar to him, but those in the lower quarters off the city would recognize it instantly."
"He flicked the lights on and his eyes widened with terror, there was a corpse laying there, a male one at that."
"Before he could cry out, he felt a sharp pain in his back."
se "Seven hates people like you"
"It had stabbed him."
"He tried to get to his feet, to run away, to call the guards"
"He made it outside the room, but the blood loss had upset his balance, He collapsed, and fell back onto the bed, on top of the corpse. He thought he'd been running in the other direction"
se "He was one of your guards, Seven had no idea you liked your security staff so much"
"It sat in a chair next to the bed, taunting him, he tried to speak, but all that came bubbling up from his mouth was blood, he had a second knife lodged in his chest."                    
"The terror filled him with adrenalin, and with that extra strength"
"He once again made for the door, it made no move to stop him."
"He was halfway down the hall, when a thrown knife slashed his ankle and he toppled over."
"He fell onto the bed again."
"He couldn’t speak, but in his mind he asked how, his back had been to the room, and he fell forward, how had he ended up here twice when he’d been running in the opposite direction? He then looked toward it, he was sure that it was naked before, but now, where’d it get those clothes, where’d that hat come from?"
"Now it had a hat as well."
"Where did that knife come from? With what little strength he had left he remove the knife from his chest and when it was less than half an arm length away stabbed into a body"
se "Where’d that corpse come from, is that what you’re thinking?"
"He turned around, how had it gotten behind him?"
"Why was his knife lodged in a corpse, he’d been sure it was on the bed a moment ago"
"He hurriedly tried to free the knife from the dead man, but to no avail."
"His vision went black, he was vaguely aware of a most hideous pain in his eyes."
"When had it moved to do this? He tried to scream the two knives in his eyes were the most painful injury of all."
"He was writhing in his own blood, the next thing he knew, there was a cold sensation, was it the moat, he hadn’t felt himself falling."
"Now he felt the water filling his lungs, agonizing pain took hold of him, as if he were exploding from the inside. He descended to the bottom of the moat, and kept falling from there."
se "Regicide, regicide, the king is dead."
"It put the phone down, and slipped the hat onto its head"
"She smiled"
"That phone was connected to an emergency intercom system; the message was heard all throughout the city"
"All Hell broke loose"
"The soldeirs weren't expecting a revolution on this scale, almost every child in the city was rallied together, and several sympathetic adults also fought with them."
"Within the hour the city was in flames, as the children fought against the soldeirs."
"The soldeirs were skilled, but there was an overwhelming number of enemies for them to fight."
"At the last census, children had outnumbered adults five to one."
"Somehow they had gained a nice supply of weapons as well, and someone had trained some of them in magic as well."
"Still, the soldiers od Arulan didn't back down, they still had the advantage in terms of strength."
"(there is a scene change here)"
se "Hey Gin, it’s your turn"
"Gin shook his head at Seven's voice from the other side of the telephone."
g1 "It’s G-1-n"
se "You can’t fool Seven. Seven is l33t."
g1 "My God. Alright, I’m preparing."
"He stood atop the highest spire in the city, overlooking the chaos from his lofty position, he looked down from behind his mask, and his eagle like vision pinpointed the remaining soldiers."
se "Fire at will"
g1 "Understood"
"From his wings thousands of golden lights shone, and then flew forward."
"Scattering across the horizon seeking out their targets with deadly accuracy."
"On the ground, these lights pierced through their target’s bodies, leaving a burning hole through the point of contact."
"G1n folded his wings, and awaited a second order."
"(there is a scene change here)"
se "Excuse Seven, the operation was successful."
re "Good and you?"
se "He died before he could touch Seven, but if he had Seven would charge extra."
se "Of course, you already paid Seven"
"A light focused on the balcony of the hotel where the two were conducting they’re business."
"It was time for her entrance"
se "You first, Queen Reina"
re "Already acknowledging me with that title."
se "A Queen has a much larger account to pay with, a baroness doesn’t, and Seven’s price just went up."
re "You cut-throat. I anticipated this though."
se "Seven isn’t a cut throat, Seven is a businesswoman. Go ahead outside."
"Reina stepped outside into the light and raised her arms triumphantly"
"The people in the streets looked up toward her"
re "People of Arulan, I am Reina, the wife of the late Baron Xander land. I assumed not only his position a baroness, but as queen of this country
If there are any dissenters left step up now."
re "No one? Seven, tie up the loose ends."
se "Yes milady."
"(There is a scene change here.)"
"Thanks of the mercenaries hired by Reina, Arulan's revolution had gone through without a hitch."
"A full week had passed without much news from the castle, other than the abolishment of slavery, not much had happened."
"The children were still working, only now they were being paid, though they were also being taxed now."
"Reina and the mercenaries were now living in the castle, and they hadn't been seen since the revolution."
"About a week after the revoulutin, Reina appeared on the television news."
re "Greetings my citizens, I am proud to announce that our revolution has gone over rather well. We are in a deep debt, however, I had already made arrangements to deal with this debt prior to the revolution."
re "In the week since the revolution, I have been negotiating the final agreement between myself and the Empress of Bloodbane."
re "They have agreed to pay our debt, on the condition that the country becomes aligned with Bloodbane."
re "Once the debt is paid, we can focus all our resources on rebuilding our shattered country."
re "Our alliance will be officially cememnted by my marriage to an Arcana Knight of Bloodbane seventy days from now."
re "We must all band together in this time to rebuild our beloved country, stronger, and more righteous than before. This is your queen Reina signing off."
"(A wild scene change appears!)"
"The reaction of the independent states to the news had been one of outrage."
"Almost as soon as the announcement left the television screens, a letter was sent out to all the leaders of the independent states."
"It was a request for their prescences at a confrence."
"Thus began the First Confrence of Los Angelos."
"The room they met in was pitch black, to protect the identities of many of the leaders."
"It was a way they kept themselves safe."
"There was only one lit corner of the room."
"It was there that Haruka sat."
"Old Man Voice" "Now we call to order the First Conference of Los Angelos. We all know the issue at hand."
"Old Man Voice" "Arulan, a critically important border state is changing its alliance."
"Old Man Voice" "This would allow Bloodbane easy access to the West, and Bloodbane will surely attack us. Right now, we should all band togehter to look for a solution."
"Old Man Voice" "Now, anyone with a solution, lay it on the table now."
"Woman's Voice" "I belive that we should work together to form a defensive line along Arulan's border with New Texas."
"Husky Voice" "I agree, we should create a defense with our own troops to defend the line."
"Spainish Accented Voice" "I don't agree, We in New Mexico barely have enough troops to defend ourselves. I propose we simply prepare for war. It will be bloody, but we can win. I have allies in South America, they would surely support us."
"Husky Voice" "Bloodbane controls almost all of South America, even if we called our allies from around the world, we would still be outnumbered."
ha "I think I have the solution."
"Old Man Voice" "Very well, speak Ms. Koiga."
ha "It's simple, we go in and put Arulan's old governemnt back in power."
"Husky Voice" "Your proposing a counter revolution? That will surely lead to an immediate war!"
ha "Not if we act before the alliance changes in sixty days. I already know there is a counter-revolution in Arulan with the remnants of the old military, I could fund them, and as long as I'm covert about it, lead them."
"Old Man Voice" "This is very interesting, but will they have the strength to match an Arcanan Knight? As you all know, one is being brought to the city."
ha "I know, the Knight of Lovers, Hiro Noyabr, but I have the counter-measure to that."
"Old Man Voice" "You're suggesting we call on him?"
ha "Yes, he is officially unaligned, so he can act however he wants. It isn't even officially recored within Bloodbane that I was the one who helped him disappear from their search parties."
"Husky Voice" "You mean to make us rely on that demon."
ha "I would appreciate if you didn't refer to my little brother in such a way."
"Old Man Voice" "I belive that this is the best option."
"Husky Voice" "But sir..."
"Old Man Voice" "SCILENCE!! I see this as the best option, because so far Ms. Koiga has yet to fail at any operation she has undertaken. Besides, of us all Ms. Koiga is the one with the most military expirence."
"Old Man Voice" "Need I remind you all that she was formerly the Arcanan Knight of the World?"
ha "Thank you sir. I think it can be done if we apply a delicate touch. As long as the counter revolution deals the final blow, Bloodbane will not wage war against us."
ha "The real dififculty is that we have to countinue to seem a match for Bloodbane, or they will walk over us no matter what."
ha "If we don't at least attempt something, Bloodbane will know that many of our economies are failing."
ha "However, if there is a counter-revolution, then we will have time."
ha "The war is inevitable, but we must be prepared when the time comes, if we fail to act now, then we've lost."
ha "No matter how much I dislike Arulan, we must restore its alliance with us."
ha "Are there any objections now?"
"The room was  silent."

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Re: A little Writing from my Game

#2 Post by Auro-Cyanide » Tue Jan 10, 2012 12:59 am

Overall, I don't think it's a particularly strong way to start a story (that is if it is the start of the story). There is a lot of information but you haven't given me a reason to care yet. These types of things need to be kept short and very well written to build up interest, or introduced later on when there is a character to care about why it is relevant. It would also be advisable to break it up a bit. Ask yourself if it is really necessary for the reader to know all the information and whether they need to know it all right that minute. It might be best to jump to the rebellion point of the story since that is where the action is.

For your actual writing, there are some spelling and grammar errors here and there. My primary concern would be the 'flow' of the story. It feels a little jarring to read at parts. I think it's a good idea to read it out loud to yourself. This often forces you to listen to the rhythm of the words and take notice of where full stops and commas should go :)

The names are possibly a little odd. I think if you gave them more backstroy and context they might be able to exist a bit better in the overall story. You have the 4 horsemen of the apocaylpse, tarot and other references from a range of sources. References are cool since they can add a lot of depth to the world, but it's best if you give them a reason for being there.

Your plot sounds interesting, but I think you just need to spend a bit more time building it up in a more. Pull back all the information and decide where you want to start telling the story. Weave that information in as you tell the story and don't force it.

Good luck :D

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Re: A little Writing from my Game

#3 Post by Enigma » Tue Jan 10, 2012 8:04 am

Horsemen? If you mean Doom, his name is from the same root word as deem, to judge.
Other than that I agree. I'll work on it

EDIT I think the horseman is Death

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Re: A little Writing from my Game

#4 Post by Auro-Cyanide » Tue Jan 10, 2012 8:52 am

Enigma wrote:Horsemen? If you mean Doom, his name is from the same root word as deem, to judge.
Other than that I agree. I'll work on it

EDIT I think the horseman is Death
Oh, sorry, I was referring to 'disease, war, famine, and pestilence' (the four horsemen are sometimes referred to as death, war, famine and pestilence) which isn't particularly important to your story so it was probably confusing for me to mention it. I suppose as I read it I was just picking up the references as they came up. My apologies.

The main names you used were the tarot. Will they be reflected in the story?

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Re: A little Writing from my Game

#5 Post by Meinos Kaen » Tue Jan 10, 2012 12:39 pm

What Cyanide said. Also, Old Man Voice is a bit strange to read. Just leave it as 'Old Man'. If it's dialogue, the reader will understand on its own that it's a voice.

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Re: A little Writing from my Game

#6 Post by Enigma » Tue Jan 10, 2012 5:33 pm

Meinos Kaen wrote:What Cyanide said. Also, Old Man Voice is a bit strange to read. Just leave it as 'Old Man'. If it's dialogue, the reader will understand on its own that it's a voice.
Duly noted
@Cyanide, the tarot plays a role, but not as you might think.

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Re: A little Writing from my Game

#7 Post by Enigma » Wed Jan 11, 2012 6:34 pm

Sorry about the double post, but I thought that this could use a little space. I edited a chunk (though not all) of what I've written. I wanted to check if these edits are a step in the write direction, if so I'll continue editing in the same fashion. If there are still things that need to be fixed, I'll fix them.

Code: Select all

"Inbetween the independent west and the empire to the est was the country of Arulan"
"Never before had there been such a hive of depravity and iniquity"
"The country was built and sustained by the labor of children, who were considered second class citizens with no rights, able to be bought and sold at their parent’s leisure."
"Children were forced to sacrifice childhood for a life of hard labor."
"It was a sign of wealth to own many children to do your bidding."
"The king alone had more servants than the rest of the nobilty combined."
"He had a slave for all his needs, cooking, cleaning, and other, more deviant, duties."
"Those who sympathized with the children would often cause dissent."
"Not only from within the city, but from without as well."
"The country was not well liked by its neighboors on either side."
"Even the other independent states rarely communitcated with them."
"The only reason that the country still stood was because the independents needed them. Without a strong border state, Bloodbane would have the advantage."
"Still, from within the country there were protests, but those who spoke out were gunned down in the streets."
"Sevral times small millitant factions fought for the children's freedom."
"Never had a rebellion in Arulan come close to succeding, the resistence cells didn't stand a chance,  and a revolution seemed out of the question."
"If ever there were a place to sin, it would be Arulan."
#(the scene changes here)
"The moon shone down on the castle secluded from the lights of the city." 
"The king had arranged to be undisturbed the entire night."
"With the exception of a few guards, the king wanted no one else around to him."
"A nobleman friend of his had sent him something special, and he couldn’t wait to use it."
"It had been taken up to his bedchamber, from all he had heard it was a rare find."
"When he saw it, he couldn't help but agree, never before had anyone sent him a bedmate so perfect."
"While he usually preferred them younger, he wasn’t about to refuse this gift. "
"He hurriedly undressed himself while it looked away."
" As he did he noticed, the way its face became red despite its dark skin made it seem cuter."
"He cut the lights and moved into the bed, pressing his lips to its."
"It took him a few seconds to realize something was wrong."
"Its body had gone cold, and now he smelled something aweful."
"It wasn’t very familiar to him, but those in the lower quarters off the city would recognize it instantly, the scent of a corpse."
"He turned a lamp next to his bed on, and turned to see that it was gone. In its place was the corpse of his guard captain."
"His eyes focused on the single cut on his captain's neck, and for a moment he could do nothing but quiver in fear."
"Before he could regain his wits to cry out, a dagger was plunged into his back."
se "Seven hates people like you."
"It had stabbed him."
"It had taken him a moment to register this, but the instant his wound was acknowledged, a pain like nothing he had ever felt before surged through his body."
"He tried to get to his feet, to run away, to call the other guards."
"With all the strength he had he flew out the door at top speed."
"He was unblancence by his terror, and fell onto the bed, right on top of the corpse. "
"He thought he'd been running in the other direction, and for a second wondered if his blood loss had upset his sense of direction."
se "He was one of your guards, Seven had no idea you liked your security staff so much"
"It sat in a chair next to the bed, taunting him, he tried to speak, but all that came bubbling up from his mouth was blood."
"He had no Idea who it had come to be there, but he had a second knife lodged in his chest."                    
"He was filled with adrenalin, and using the extra strength made for the door once again."
"He ran like a mad man, faster than he ever had before."
"He managed to escape halfway down the hall, when a thrown knife slashed his Achilles tendon, and he tumbled over landing on the bed once more."
"He couldn’t speak, but in his mind he asked how, with his back had been to the room, knowing he fell forward, had he ended up here. "
"Twice when he’d been running in the opposite direction. "
"He felt its eyes from the chair beside the bed, and weakly turned his head to face it."
"Even though he remembered it being naked, it was now fully clothed."
"With what little strength he had left he removed the knife from his chest and lunged toward it."
se "Where’d that corpse come from, is that what you’re thinking?"
"He turned around, how had it gotten behind him?"
"Why was his knife lodged in a corpse, he’d been sure it was on the bed a moment ago"
"He hurriedly tried to free the knife from the dead man, but to no avail."
"In the next instant his vision went black, he was vaguely aware of a most hideous pain in his eyes."
"When had it moved to do this? He tried to scream, but his neck had a knife through it as well."
" Even when his nervous system caught up with the pain, the two knives in his eyes were the most painful injury of all."
"The strength left his body and he collapsed back onto the bed."
"Writhing in his own blood, there was a cold sensation, was he in the moat? He hadn’t felt himself falling."
"Now he felt the water filling his lungs, agonizing pain took hold of him, as if he were exploding from the inside."
"Finally he was dead."
se "Regicide, regicide, the king is dead."
"It put the phone down, and slipped the hat onto its head."
"She smiled."
"That phone was connected to an emergency intercom system; the message was heard all throughout the city"
"All Hell broke loose."
#(scene change)
"The soldeirs weren't expecting a revolution on this scale, almost every child in the city was rallied together, and several sympathetic adults also fought with them."
"Within the hour the city was in flames, as the children fought against the soldeirs in the largest battle the city had ever expirenced.."
"The soldeirs were skilled, but outnumbered almost five to one."
"Somehow they had gained a supply of weapons as well, and a few even used magic.."
"Still, the soldiers of Arulan didn't back down, they still had the advantage in terms of strength."

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Re: A little Writing from my Game

#8 Post by yukipon » Thu Jan 12, 2012 12:35 am

Yay~. My first victim. xD

I'm really curious by your use of Tarot cards here since I did write something involving Tarot Cards once.

Do you know the meanings behind the tarot cards, and how they're usually read and positioned in a reading?

Now, for the first excerpt you posted:

I like it. But, like Cyanide said, the beginning is basically an exposition dump, and you're also missing an effective hook. But with the way you transitioned into the story, I think rewriting it in the viewpoint of the main character(s) instead of the omniscient narrator would improve on its impact, and maybe serve as its hook at the same time. You'll just have to be careful to not be bogged down into the details of the events leading to the present era, but focus more on the pieces of recent history relevant to the character(s). It's okay to explain what happened before, but you can also put this somewhere else, or subtly "show" this in the game; the third being the more "elegant" approach instead of explicitly saying it.

Like, for the first line, "So far away from now, there lies a time of despair," would have better impact if it involved a character. Something like this but not necessarily this, "Far away from now, I live in a time of despair," generates interest in the reader, even when they don't really know who it is yet. This could also serve as your hook if you wanted to.

For the second excerpt, I really do think writing it in the viewpoint of the relevant main character would have much greater impact. It still is an exposition dump. I also like the first one better.

Of course, I'm not really too sure what the story is about, so it would be helpful if you explained it too.

Also, what era (as in Medieval, Ancient, Renaissance, Mixed, or others) are you aiming for in this story?


Found out what it was about~. ^^;
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Re: A little Writing from my Game

#9 Post by Enigma » Thu Jan 12, 2012 6:30 pm

yukipon wrote:Yay~. My first victim. xD

I'm really curious by your use of Tarot cards here since I did write something involving Tarot Cards once.

Do you know the meanings behind the tarot cards, and how they're usually read and positioned in a reading?

Now, for the first excerpt you posted:

I like it. But, like Cyanide said, the beginning is basically an exposition dump, and you're also missing an effective hook. But with the way you transitioned into the story, I think rewriting it in the viewpoint of the main character(s) instead of the omniscient narrator would improve on its impact, and maybe serve as its hook at the same time. You'll just have to be careful to not be bogged down into the details of the events leading to the present era, but focus more on the pieces of recent history relevant to the character(s). It's okay to explain what happened before, but you can also put this somewhere else, or subtly "show" this in the game; the third being the more "elegant" approach instead of explicitly saying it.

Like, for the first line, "So far away from now, there lies a time of despair," would have better impact if it involved a character. Something like this but not necessarily this, "Far away from now, I live in a time of despair," generates interest in the reader, even when they don't really know who it is yet. This could also serve as your hook if you wanted to.

For the second excerpt, I really do think writing it in the viewpoint of the relevant main character would have much greater impact. It still is an exposition dump. I also like the first one better.

Of course, I'm not really too sure what the story is about, so it would be helpful if you explained it too.

Also, what era (as in Medieval, Ancient, Renaissance, Mixed, or others) are you aiming for in this story?


Found out what it was about~. ^^;
The tarot have been around since the 15th century, but weren't used for divination till the 18th century, I use more of the original symbolism (and in one situation the actual card games they were used for.)

Now, as for using a character's perspective, that could be tricky. I'd have to switch perspectives very often, becuase the spolight shifts around a lot. In fact, the situation at hand is almost as if there is no main character. I'd probably end up with around 9-13 different perspectives...

I could try it...but I'm not sure how to handle all the jumping around it would require.

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Re: A little Writing from my Game

#10 Post by yukipon » Thu Jan 12, 2012 8:37 pm

9-13 perspectives? o_o

Now I see why you chose third-person instead. And here, I thought there was a central character driving the story.

For first-person, you should narrow down the most important characters throughout the entire story and center the entire narrative around them, and if there are any scenes without them, focus on the most important character for that/those scene(s). Like, for this introduction, select the most relevant character and jump straight into the action (which I think is Seven). You could also add parts of the introduction here, give reasons why the character finds their history important, simply "show" it through the character (whichever works), or put it off until later. Then, if you have to, jump "heads" and focus on the new character, jumping straight into the story while introducing the character through their actions and thoughts. If you find that those 9-13 characters are absolutely essential, then go for it~. Just make sure you allot enough development for the reader to like/care/hate them.

Plus, since it's a VN/game, you could use the one of its strengths and switch between first-person and third-person, even in the same scene; this only works because the reader knows who exactly is saying what or what through voices and/or pictures. This one is a little trickier to pull off (it's like balancing a see-saw) in terms of story and character development, and it could easily end up a mess if done poorly, so I don't recommend it unless you're really good at writing. Luckily, there is a translated JVN that does this (whether or not it does those well is subjective), so you can grab examples and ideas from there: http://vndb.org/v1027.

Also, do not jump "heads" in first-person when in the same scene unless you feel confident you can pull it off well. I wouldn't suggest this at all, but because of the medium, you can do it if you want to.

Now, For third-person, the excerpts you posted are good...once you get past the introduction. Follow what Cyanide said and jump straight into the action. Strip the introduction off from Excerpt #2 and start the story at an exciting place. Instead of explaining what the setting is, jump straight to Seven and the dead body, and use that as your hook with his motivations to kill the king as the background. From there, "show" the world through your characters and their actions and continue with the story. An info-dump wouldn't even be needed unless it's something you can't tell or show through your characters, but would it really be all that important?

Of course, it all depends on what you're comfortable with, so go with what you think is best and work from there.
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Re: A little Writing from my Game

#11 Post by Enigma » Fri Jan 13, 2012 9:32 pm

This time rather than double posting I deleted the post that was formerly here to make space and shamelessly BUMP MY OWN THREAD

Here's that first person example I promised in the old post. I had to change Seven's third person speech pattern, cause it would have sounded weird in first person. Also, I still managed to keep Seven's obvious ability as slightly ambiguous as it was before. I'm not sure if it's any better than the last one, but it was a little easier to do.

Code: Select all

Rage intermingled with embarrassment filled my whole being. I could feel my face becoming red. I was hating every minute of this.
Sitting naked in this man's bed  infuriated me. How could someone like  him be a king? Still, I had to keep my mind rage in check.
In just a few minutes this man would pay.
The door creaked open behind me, but I resisted the temptation to turn around. If I did, I might miss my chance.
I just hard to wait a little longer. Just a couple more seconds and he'd be done staring at me.
Finally, he decided to turn out the lights. He crawled around on the bed until he was right next to me. Even though I couldn't really see, I could feel his face coming closer.
It was the chance I had been waiting for. I had a half second to enact revenge, both mine and my employer's.
A half second can be a long time.
Within that tiny window of opportunity, I was able to leave the room and slit the throat of guard outside. I then replaced his corpse in my position.
I had to push myself a bit, but managed to get dressed just before the window closed. I turned the desk lamp on with the last bit of time I had.
I wanted to see his expression.
The twisted king's lips locked with those of the dead man's corpse. I surpressed a laugh. Even though it was a wicked prank, it was still funny.
I knew that if I didn't humble him then, I wouldn't get the chance.
He was lost in what he thought was my kiss for almost a full seconrd before opening his eyes. The wretched monarch drew backwards, almost falling off the bed. I could see his muscles tenseing, and the first beads of sweat emerging from his back.
I removed one of the innumerable knives I carry from my sleeve and stabbed him directly in the spot the bead of sweat appeared, replacing the clear liquid  with his red blood.
se "I hate people like you."
He turned to face me, his face contorting from pain. He looked  afraid, but I could also see in his expression that he was occupied questioning himself.
How did I get clothed, where had my knife come from, and most importantly, he was definitely concerned with where ther corpse came from. Had it been any other person, I would  admire the abiity to ask yourself questions while afraid.
With him, I just wanted to see his pride drain from him until at last there was noe left. Then I would kill him.
To this end, I let him run away. I watched as in his haste he tripped. Seeing another half second oppurtunity I repositioned him to fall into the bed.
It took his brain a couple seconds to realize what had happened. He looked at me again, his face full of pain and fear almost made  me laugh again. Should I be enjoying this as much as  I am?
Probably not, but I don't think I care.
I took another chance to shame him whenn I saw his mouth begin to move. Most likely a scream for help.
It didn't bother me one bit, in the quarter second it would have taken him to scream, I plunged a knife in his throat. Without even realizing his nnew wound, he still screamed a wordless plea. The movement of his muscles  forced blood out of the wound.
He probably would have died had I left him alone, but some part of me had to finish him myself.
I let him try to flee again. This time he was much faster, it reminded me of a terrified rat's pace. Unfortuneatly for him, he couldn't run faster than I could throw.
A quick flick of my hand, and my knife flew through the air, lodging itself in his Achilles tendon. He began falling again, and once again I made him land  in the bed.
A look of terrirfied ignorance flashed acrosshis face. Dying probably terrified him, but the unknown nature of what would kill him terrified him more.
In a last desparate attempt, he ripped the knife from his chest and lunged at me. Evn though he was surprrisingly determined, he would never touch me. The corpse  and I had  switched positions before his brain coulrrd reven process it.
Frantically, he tried to remove the knife from his dead guard, but it was no use. He turned to face me one last time.
Feeling satisfied, I threw two knives into his eyes. He collapsed in pain, falling into a pool of his own blood.
Without those eyes, I lost intrest. There was nothing lefrt of the man I had hated. Just as quickly as my hate came it left me, and I decided to finish him off.
The moat outside the castle was a perfect place to dump the body, and so I lifted him with a single hand before hurling him out the window. He splashed into the moat seconds afterward. I could see his body float to the top, but I have no doubt his soul countinued falling.
I reached into my pocket to find the cell phone that my employer gave me.
se "Hello?"
re "Seven? Have you completed phase 1?"
se "We're clear, proceed to phase 2. I'll be returning to the base now."
re "Alright, hurry then."
I hung up the phone and turned my attention to the king's phone. It was connected to an emergency announcement system, with the flick of a switch,  the words spokenn into that phone would be heard throughout the Arulan's capital city.
se Regicide, regicide, the king is dead.
With that code transmited, the city came alive. I heard a loud explosion from the direction of the city, the confirmation of the revolution.
Right now the children of Arulan were out there fighting against the soldeirs that didn't even know their king was dead.
#(scene change)
As I walked through the city I didn't come across a place where the childrern of Arulan hadn't turned against their masters. Blood ran in the city like water, and corpses, both of children and of adults, littered the streets.
Explosions shook the earth, and the only voices I could hear were either screaming in anger or howling in pain.
When I finally reached my destination I silently thanked God that I didn't need to stay out there much longer.
se Ms. Reina, I'm here.
re Seven, how...are you?
se Don't worry, he couldn't touch me. If he did, I would have charged you more.
re I see...
se Of course, a queen has more moeny than a baroness, so I think I deserve some extra pay once this is over.
re You cut-throat.
se I'm no cut-throat, I'm a professional.
As I spoke a bright light shone through the window. That was the signal for the final phase.
re After this would you care to be my bodyguard full time?
se I can't.
re If you could?
se Then yes.
re I'll buy your contract from Mr. Skin.
se R-really!
re It's a gift, you made this possible. Besides, I'm going to need a talented bodyguard. Any way, it's time I make my entrance.
Reina stepped outside onto the balcony, and into the light. On the ground, they were probably zooming in on her with the stolen news cameras. This announcement of a revolution was always intended to be broadcast worldwide.
re People of Arulan, my name is Reina, the wife of the late baron of the 5th ward of the city."
re Effective immediately, I am assuming not only his role, but the role of queen as well. If there are any dissenters, please step forward now.
No one stepped forward, and I don't blame them. The battle was ours, the country was ours, their actions would have been treason.
re I see I am unchallenged... now on to more important matters. To all the children oppressed by the former king,  to all those forced to sacrifice your childhood, and to all those who were made slaves by the selfish actions of the old government, I decree that you immediately be given your freedom!
Almost instantly a thunderous applause rose from the streets below.  The children were clapping, cheering, and some even crying trearrs of joy. For them, a long lifre of slavery had ended, and a new era of freedom had began. I found myself clapping as well. After all, I had been freed as well. I'd never have to see Mr. Skin again...

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Re: A little Writing from my Game

#12 Post by yukipon » Sat Jan 14, 2012 12:37 am

Looks like I was right~. (^_^)

I really like the new first-person excerpt you posted. Compared to the first two excerpts, this one easily grabbed my attention instead of having to wade through the long and dreary introduction to history and whatnot. Also, I think it would have been a unique character trait if Seven referred to herself in the third-person.

Time for a critique~.

Uno) Ignoring the grammar and spelling issues, the writing isn't as strong as the third-person excerpts. If you could add some sort of unique narrative voice to Seven, it would really help flesh out her character and avoid having characters whose narration "sound" the same as another. This'll be somewhat remedied with actual pictures, but having this alone would really make Seven stand out much more. For example, having a unique vocabulary and/or making her use phrases or words she'd only say would easily make her stand out from the rest of the cast.

As well, simple, appropriate, and concise words are almost always better than big, fancy, complex words.
How did I get clothed, where had my knife come from, and most importantly, he was definitely concerned with where ther corpse came from...
Nii) I'm not sure if Seven has psychic abilities, but if not, you'll have to make a point of staying within the character's head. You did that well until I read this because I wasn't really sure if Seven loved assuming things of other characters, or if this was an author mistake. If it's the former, ignore this~.

Trois) Also, in the beginning, what was happening in the story wasn't really clear as I had to refer back to the other two excerpts and compare. So, maybe adding a brief mention to what she does would help alleviate some of the confusion. Of course, if you're planning on keeping her powers a secret at this point, you might want to ask a friend or someone you work with to help clarify what's actually going on for the reader without spoiling it. But keep in mind that the more the reader can understand what's going on, the better they'll enjoy the story (simple rule, but you'd be surprised how often this is forgotten).

Now, even with the above three points (I caught at the time of writing) plus grammar and spelling, I much prefer this version over the other two you posted. It's a bit to a lot more work to flesh out a character in first-person than third-person, but it does pay off in the end. Unless a limited word count is something you're watching for.

Anything else you want commented on?
"How do you know my name? Damn, this can only mean one of two things: Either we have met, and you are telling the truth, and I just can't remember it, or you are a spy." ~Setou Kenji (Katawa Shoujo)
Status: Thinking. Planning. And playing Phantasy Star Online 2 JP.

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