Suna To Majo [BxG] WIP

[yummy]

Story:
We are in the year 3668 After Borsk. Humanity has expanded throughout the galaxy, populating various solar systems. Humans use special networking equipment to keep in touch with each other so that light years can become seconds and the multitude can become a whole.

Takeshi is a human, now called Terran, born on Terra II, the second solar system that had been colonized centuries ago.
He lives in a gigantic space station which is one of the main placeholders of human relashionship, Hummingbird.

That station hosts many entities that human use as the core of their network. These entities are knowned as the Servers, created to serve, counsel and assist Terran.
One day, Takeshi finds out the reality isn't what he used to trust. Takeshi discovers a new world lying next to the one he used to take as granted.

Features:
This game is a BxG VN with four girls.
Noemi, Miyuki, Sarah, Haruka. And lots of funny secondary characters.

[monele]

Another Sci-fi VN , wupee~. Good luck with this ^^

[Watercolorheart]

Sweet!

As much as I'm all for sci-fi, the pictures are clean, the plot has been done before (but that's NO reason why it can't work again ... look at Hyperion's TechnoCore, for example) and it sounds like you're pretty excited about your project.

Me, I'm taking a break from Controlled Chaos (another sci-fi one ... ) to play pokemon ... (shame on me.)

[Andy]

Nice graphics. It must be hard at times working on it all by yourself.

[yummy]

Hehe, thank you everybody.
I'm currently translating my work from french to english so that I'll be able to put a link to my "prototype".
It would not contain any copyrighted material, so I won't make it in time with CGs or music. That's why I'll borrow free to use CGs and photographs (I'll put links to the original artists).
So please bear with it in the near future :p

Game play time would be around 30 minutes and would end somehow weirdly (maybe you'd find it too short).
So stay tuned for an incoming post where I'll put the link!
*goes back to translation*

[M12]

The story background sounds very grand. Cool =). Like BCS said, you seem excited about your project, which is great =D! Good luck with it. Can't wait to see some coloured screenshots of your characters.

[Nafai]

Oooh another sci-fi VN - on a space station to boot ^_^ And youre planning to use event CGs I see - good show. Looking forward to more info

[yummy]

So I've finished translating a section of my story (it's originally much longer but as it's bound to change a lot I stopped there) so I put the link here.

The character CGs are not from me as I didn't make it in time to color them.
You might listen to one of the few songs I've been composing (it's not that brillant, really) in the game folder.

Prototype (or demo) Link:
Click here
Archive format is 7z, it's a open source archiver (that's why I used it).
7zip website

[Watercolorheart]

Wow, I finally wrote a review without putting any spoilers in it ...

It was very nice and atmospheric. I really like the drawn illustrations of the ship in blue pencil, I perked up on seeing them. :)

I love the slow pans up and down at the beginning, they make an otherwise dry and angsty description very powerful and moody.

My first impression was that your grasp of English is fairly good, but - yes - I can see once or twice where there is an omitted word "few people" versus "a few people"; "humanity" where "humankind" or "humans" would have been better used ...

I also thought the summary of the AI and human's expansion through the universe ... well ... without him using specific examples, I only have a vague idea of what a Server and a Carrier are. Until I see them or interact with them in the game, I guess my confusion won't solidify into understanding until then.

The groaning background noise of a spaceship was neat during that sequence ... but ... it did get on my nerves after a while. Yet, at the same time, I didn't want to turn the sound off/down for fear of missing something of the experience if I did.

I left off around the Cargo station ... really cool use of a sound loop there. A bit staticy, but it loops seamlessly. I really felt like I was really there. :D

And the only other thing I have to say was when "Boy" and "Girl" are talking ... since the main character is speaking in first-person ("I walked left to right.") it seems a little strange for his name to pop up in the second box as "Boy." For my game, I chose "Me" for whoever the main character's POV happens to be at the time.

So, it would be like:

Girl: "Oops!"
Me: "Ow!"

I initially thought it was two other people it was happening to, not the person telling me the story :/. Like it was happening to someone else.

[yummy]

Thank you for your review BCS chan

It was very nice and atmospheric. I really like the drawn illustrations of the ship in blue pencil, I perked up on seeing them.

Well, actually these are the uncolored resized scanned art so you could call them concept art XD

I love the slow pans up and down at the beginning, they make an otherwise dry and angsty description very powerful and moody.

I had other means to introduce the story, but well this one was the most poetic one. I think between a starry night and a ship battle, there is a huge difference, no?

My first impression was that your grasp of English is fairly good, but - yes - I can see once or twice where there is an omitted word "few people" versus "a few people"; "humanity" where "humankind" or "humans" would have been better used ...

Sorry for my poor english T_T I'm trying my best to have something that most american born or english born people can understand. That's why I'm pretty glad you highlighted these points. Maybe next time I should let you check the script? Hehe just joking.

I also thought the summary of the AI and human's expansion through the universe ... well ... without him using specific examples, I only have a vague idea of what a Server and a Carrier are. Until I see them or interact with them in the game, I guess my confusion won't solidify into understanding until then.

Actually, these devices are to be used a lot later. I should have drawn a lot lately but since the flood of new anime... Sorry I didn't make it in time XD

The groaning background noise of a spaceship was neat during that sequence ... but ... it did get on my nerves after a while. Yet, at the same time, I didn't want to turn the sound off/down for fear of missing something of the experience if I did.

The groaning sound will be nearly inaudible when there will be music, I assure you. I tried with different tunes I had composed but they just didn't fit the atmosphere.

I left off around the Cargo station ... really cool use of a sound loop there. A bit staticy, but it loops seamlessly. I really felt like I was really there.

As I tried to add more and more SFX, I think I grasped the concept of Sound novel. It's really funny to do and it adds a special atmosphere in the game. Too bad you stopped there, the end of the demo becomes really interesting.

I initially thought it was two other people it was happening to, not the person telling me the story :/. Like it was happening to someone else.

I knew this was going to be disturbing I decided to put "boy" rather than "Me" because my narration style is somewhat "unique" (in the bad way maybe). Actually, the narrator is like viewing his past (that's why all the tenses are in the past tense) because there is bound to be something that triggers the whole thing. Well I'll revert to "Me" since you find it too confusing.

Although the main characters did not realise it yet, there are really weird things happening around him. And by the way, the story isn't limited to the Station in the near future.

Anyways, I'm still in the middle of fighting with my script since my planning failed. That's why I'll concentrate on the script and the CGs rather than sound for now.
And you'll finally see my wonderfully awfully colored CGs.

[Watercolorheart]

What I meant to say was ... I will finish playing it, I just only do so with about 15 minutes to a sitting. I did enjoy what I played ... unlike ... a couple others than I felt like I was just wasting time ... (which I should be, but I want to do it while being entertained, not bored ... )

Since you said that, I'll go and finish it out. :D

Your English isn't bad at all ... in fact, it seems to me that most people who say that, speak English very well. You know that almost anyone here will help you if you ask ...

About the groaning sound on the galaxy, you know what would be cool? Letting it play by itself for about 2-3 seconds before starting the music. A nice little effect. :) Because, when I first heard it, it was very ... um ... how do I put it?

I was slightly startled, but at the same time, it was like being hit with: you're out in space now!! In a good way. (I'm sorry, that made no sense at all ... )

Moving along, past tense/present tense switches don't jar me at all. I had to do the same with my demo, only it doesn't only switch tense for the memories, but the POV as well ...

[yummy]

About the groaning sound on the galaxy, you know what would be cool? Letting it play by itself for about 2-3 seconds before starting the music. A nice little effect. Because, when I first heard it, it was very ... um ... how do I put it?

I was slightly startled, but at the same time, it was like being hit with: you're out in space now!! In a good way. (I'm sorry, that made no sense at all ... )

Hmm I'll think about it, not that I find it bad, it just depends on how you'd like to envision the scene. The rumble isn't space rumble but the spaceship rumble (I know you already did figure this) and at first I thought I'd simply show the station and simply add transitions between scenes. The result was far from what I first expected (and that's why I think the best way to write a story in Ren'Py is to directly input the script and test it immediately) so I changed it a little. I had scheduled CGs for the station approach so that all this rumble becomes justified.

About the surprise effects: I had planned a lot of shocking and traumatic sound effects (but I'll use them scarcely, I don't want the readers to have heart attacks).
They'll mainly highlight key scenes. Too bad I didn't have suitable music for the scenes. Maybe I should power up this too.

As I already wrote, I'm focusing on drawing and coloring CGs, along with writing the script. Music is important too but I think I should at least have the essential components added.

[Watercolorheart]

I'm glad that you're not planning to overuse sound effects ...

That one in the quarantine/biocheck basement nearly scared the wits out of me! Coupled with the "The End," I was like WTF? O.o;; Is this going to be one of those games where I start over as another character to unravel the murder?

Oh, I played the rest of your demo ... very nice. I'm partial to the background of the mall, with its low-angle aerial shot.

Even though you probably won't be using the photos in the end ... both the BGs for the Cargo Station, and the Mall are oddly fitting.

The rest ... the only thing that confuses me is reference and visuals appear to be modern Japanese somewhat. They're all wearing schoolgirl uniforms, even in descriptions ... ?

Using the term, "lolita" from the protagonist jarred me. He's, like, her age. When he says something like that, it is like something an adult would notice, not a teenager ... it's just really out of place ... now, if he described her as "child-like, despite her being older than me" I have no problem with that.

As much as I adore Nabokov (and not just that story, but all of his works such as Bend Sinister and Ada, or Ardor: A Family Chronicle), I'm not sure if his effect is that far-reaching ... then again, I may be grossly underestimating pop-culture. If it's become a common insult, then I wouldn't be surprised.

[monele]

Just tried it and liked it ^.^... Actually, argh! I want to know what this is all about now .

I liked the intro with pannings and the whole "landing" part too. Your explanation of the background story is simple enough to be absorbed and understood, that's a good thing. It's probably better than you don't dwell too much into details about the Servers. It might have been too many descriptions to read. And since you'll explain that later, it's good ^.^

Oh, btw, what parts of this are considered final and/or made by you ? I'm curious because I found the character art enjoyable and rather fitting to the mood of the game. I'm less fond of the mix between photographs from various eras but that'll clearly be changed ^.^

Your fake game over sequence was a bit confusing. I really thought I messed up until I realized I hadn't made any choice... XD... So yea, as I understand it, he's just being "analyzed" for bacteria, right? But he's turning it into some sort of sci-fi horror scene for kicks? It's just confusing how quickly you go from "the end" to "everything's okay". I just wasn't sure what to think.

While reading, I ended up thinking "this would be nice as episodic content". What I mean is that at times, I felt a *little* bored. Not that it wasn't interesting, but I was really longing for the "mysterious happening" part which I expected. It came, but slightly later than it should have, I think.
Now though, that part was great ^.^. Very spooky. I definitely felt thrown in the game world at that point. A small thing that felt strange is how he quickly dismissed this experience and went on to meet Naomi. I feel that at least a *few* lines about how confused it makes him could be nice. I know *I* would be rather freaked out and wondering about things, having trouble to think straight.

One good thing that made me smile is how, when the protagonist referred to Naomi while she wasn't on the screen, I actually remembered who she was. This comes from someone who isn't great at remembering japanese names and link them with people faces. My conclusion is that you've made memorable characters already.

[yummy]

Thanks Monele for your review

So yes, the fake end was some kind of humor, it's been used and overused by many games and so it's somewhat cliché, but I wanted to put an end to the somewhat dark atmosphere that reigned in the introduction. I wanted the reader to be in a freaking atmosphere at first, because it is a link to the weird first experience the hero encounters. Its objective was clearly to exagerate the Biocheck session, making it dramatic, if not laughable. And it's also a way to brighten it all, since I wrote about technology and stuff, it's clearly boring when you write about science for 30 lines.

When I tried to describe the Servers, it wasn't in vain because they're a part of the main plot So explanations will come soon.

About the traumatic network experience:
Noemi hadn't have a glimpse of what had happened with Takeshi. She just gave him something she had planned to.
The hero was still wondering what had happened and if you read well, he went randomly in the commercial area, until he fiound something to do. Not that he had free time, really, but the whole thing had made his senses on edge.

I'm currently adapting the characters timetable so that all will fit well and that's what is the more time-consuming at this point.

I will definitely get rid of the photographs. These were meant to be only temporary (along with one of the special scene CG).

I'm partial to the background of the mall, with its low-angle aerial shot.

It was meant for a panning at first, to introduce the place. That photograph is actually from the Disney building in Tokyo where they sell stuff. Its architecture is somewhat unique and I thouhgt it was a really feat to use it. I meant I planned to use it as a reference photograph in order to draw the CG from it
About the other photographs, I wanted large scenes, almost cinematographic views. Maybe I'll even animate them.

The character art is, sadly, only temporary. They fitted the characters looks so I had put them here. I'm battling with my mouse to make correct CGs
By the way, if ever you're in search of characters, those that Izumi draw are really good and they feature all kind of dressings and expressions (on a single psd file, where you choose to display certain layers or not).

There are great visual flaws, I know about it, because of their "temporary" state. In my next demo release, I'll focus on removing them.

About the lolita syndrom :
I simply translated the lolicon phenomena from japanese to english.
Actually, the character is more childish than she looks and that's why he calls her a lolita. It's not really and insult, nowadays in Japan, the lolita complex (lolicon) is a core in the moe culture.
Characters such as Shana in Shakugan no Shana, Louise in Zero no Tsukaima, the books in Demonbane and much other series are inspired from this wave.
I'm not trying to find an excuse because all I did was create a character inspired from the moe culture. Moeeeee~

The only things that I consider final are actually... The script (which had been revisited about 8 times) and the opening scene (that is to say the starry sky). Everything has to be redrawn/colored, musics to be added, SFX to be adjusted, localization to be written.

I wanted to offer the community a quick glance at what I've been doing these past months, so I'm glad you liked it

*goes back to work*