Plot, Writing, and dialogue help.

[Mahkzamilyun]

Hello, I was wondering if I could get some insight on writing. I'm working on the scenario for what I'm hoping will turn in to a larger VN project, but I've hit a few concerns, and I thought that making a thread would be more beneficial than lurking, and could provide me with more clear insight. The three problems I am having are:

A) Hooking the reader: I've been working on the first chapter, or the first day, so I can showcase my work for when I want to recruit, but I'm worried that the part I've written is a little bit dull. I've mostly been working on making sure future readers understand the daily life and overall personality of the protagonist, and have planned for no climactic or interesting events to occur until the end of the day.

I'd also like to add that my character is a 16-17 year old truant, who's cynical, yet intelligent. He doesn't go to school due to a superiority complex he's developed due to the irresponsible actions of his parents, who have gone missing upon abandoning him. He lives with his uncle, and has recently been working for a dying milk-delivery company. Just to help flesh out my excerpts a bit.

The overall plotline for day one looks a little bit like this.

Wake up
Go to part-time job
Meet Strange Old Lady
Long conversation with old lady.
Drop by school
Go home
Take Nap
Go to second part-time job
Old Lady's house has burnt down - Climax Start
Find the clues
Led to a trap
Mysterious Rescue - Climax End

My only concern is that the reader will be bored by the events leading to the climax.

B) Writing to entertain: In an attempt to cancel out the above problem, I decided to counteract the boring events, with a more jumpy and lighthearted style of writing, although it's definitely somewhat lacking in substance. A example is below.

The job isn't terrible. I deliver somewhere between thirty to fifty bottles of milk to different houses every morning, and get paid at the end of every week for my services after picking up whatever bottles people haven't thrown out. It's a way to pass a few hours productively, and my hard work is rewarded with a easy, albeit minimal boost in my savings. It's hard work for little pay, and it's during school-hours, which is probably how a suspicious guy like me was given the job so readily- no one else wanted it.

Just as the sun rises, I breath in the cool air and let out a sigh of content. I can take my time as long as the job is done.

Shou: "I guess I'll take the long way today."

The town's been ablaze with talk of the recent serial arsons in the upscale residential areas that border the city. Surprisingly enough, several of the richer people like to have their milk delivered to them in the morning as well, via this dying method of delivery. These are the people who often keep their bottles for a small reimbursement from the company at the end of the week. Those who are smart with money and make wise choices are the ones who can afford better houses, I guess.

Continuing my route, I ignore the strange looks I receive from the seniors and housewives who stay home during the day. A person my age working a part-time job rather than studying is looked down on by this modern society.



"Think about going back to school sometime, okay?"



I shake my head violently, as if to shake off the notion, when...

*Crash!*

On the ground next to the red wagon trailing behind me, there lies broken glass and a puddle of goods that were to be delivered. Suddenly, an old proverb enters my head, causing me to chuckle loudly.

Wait, this is no time to be laughing. I might get in trouble for this.

My concerns with this are whether this style of writing can keep someone interested, and whether it's fine as is, or whether I should add in more of the characters thoughts, or some imagery.

C) Dialogue Integration: Continuing on with the style of writing, I wanted to know if my method of integrating dialogue into the writing was awkward in any way. I've been focusing on making the protagonist's thoughts be known during the conversations, while using the thoughts to reveal character qualities.

Example: ???: "Hey there! Milkboy!"

The unholy silence of the neighbourhood is broken a warm, gentle voice.

I turn towards the source of the voice, and notice to my surprise that there is, in fact, someone talking to me.

Old Lady: "Hey, you're the nice boy who delivers the milk every morning, am I right?"

A foreign lady, maybe sixty or seventy years old is smiling in my direction. Her pale green eyes and crooked smile imply that at one point in time, this lady was very beautiful. I'm dumbstruck. Not by the rareness of such a character, or by the strangeness of being called "milkboy", but by the fact that someone in this neighbourhood is legitimately talking to me. Even though I'm too shocked to speak, my mouth moves on its own, as if enchanted by the lady's remarkably friendly smile.

Shou: "Yes, I am! My name is Shou Nakamura, I've been delivering milk for the last 13 day, nice to mee-"

I manage to stifle what I can in my rather embarrassing introduction by covering my mouth with my hands. However, the old lady responds without skipping a beat, letting out a hearty chuckle.

Old Lady: "Well hello, Shou. My name is Miss Baker, but you can call me whatever you find appropriate. Pleased to meet you."

As she introduces herself, the old lady puts right hand out and suggests a handshake. I reach out, accepting the token of acceptance. The way she shakes hands is elegant, yet firm. Although I haven't met many foreigners, I can't help but think that the lady in front of me stands out from the rest. When she talks, she gives off an air of elegance that very few people can capture.

The old lady looks sympathetically towards the broken glass in the wagon.


Miss Baker: "...I assume that was my milk?"



Upon hearing that sentence, I suddenly understand her position. She's come to chastise me for my incapability. Calming myself down, I speak up again, staring at the ground.

Shou: "Yes ma'am. I apologize sincerely for spilling the milk that I was to deliver. I will fully understand if you wish to report me to my boss."

Then there is silence. Again with the mind numbing silence of the neighbourhood. I continue to stare at the ground, awaiting Miss Baker's judgement.

Silence.

I feel sometimes as a writer, it's hard for me to tell what's good and what's awful, so I would like a second opinion on my work- what's good, what should be fixed/changed, what's hard to understand, and the works. Oh, and if possible, some advice on improving my writing. Thank you very much,

- Max

[gekiganwing]

It sounds like you're worried that your story starts off slow. You're creating a plot driven story rather than slice of life, right?

If you're concerned that people will lose interest before the plot kicks in, then consider the following:

* How can you add foreshadowing to the first few scenes? How can you show your audience that your characters' ordinary lives are about to become more risky and complex?

* Perhaps you will benefit by starting with a brief scene of action or suspense. Writing an action prologue is one option, and the top of the trope page will mention some other ways to kick off your story.

[Mahkzamilyun]

Thank ya, I was a tad concerned about that. (and yes, it's a plot driven VN.)

[Sapphi]

My only concern is that the reader will be bored by the events leading to the climax.

I don't think any relevant event in a story will be boring to the reader if there is a sense of accumulating tension in it. You can establish character without dragging the reader through every step of your protagonist's daily routine. Maybe have your character think a little more about himself in relation to society while he is doing his milk route. BTW, did he spill the milk because he started to get upset about the circumstances involving his truancy? If he did, I didn't get that from the excerpt.

From my various gleanings of good articles on writing, there should be no filler in a plot-driven story. Description and dialogue should be used efficiently. But you do have to think about the mood you want to convey for the scene, too... Shou is relaxed and feels that he can take his time on the milk route. When he begins, the sun is just rising and the air is cool. Yet after a brief paragraph about the arsons, he is noticing housewives staring at him. Did hours pass between that time or does everyone just get up at the buttcrack of dawn in this town? What else was he thinking about during that time to himself? What was the "long way" like? The sounds, smells, sights...? Right now there is little opportunity for immersion and the milk spilling does not break the calm like it could. You could really lull the reader into a peaceful calm and then shatter it, but instead, you only have Shou telling us about the arsons and the town.

Actually, now that I look at it, that line about the arsons is just shoehorned in out of nowhere. I guess I see how "arson in upscale residential areas" and "rich people getting milk" connects, but it still feels abrupt. What does Shou think about the arsons, anyway? He just casually mentioned it. Is he worried about the arsons? Amused? Interested? I can't tell. Not enough of his personality is coming through in this excerpt because you have him narrating things to us very dryly and detached, as if he were not actually experiencing the things going on.

Example: Nobody relating a story from first person POV would say things like "I shake my head violently, as if to shake off the notion" or "Even though I'm too shocked to speak, my mouth moves on its own, as if enchanted by the lady's remarkably friendly smile." "As if" in 1st person sounds incredibly awkward - wouldn't he know whether or not he meant to shake off the thought? Similarly, a person who was too shocked to speak would probably not relate his experience in such a poetic fashion. In retrospect he might say "I was enchanted by her smile", but at the time of the event, I doubt anyone would say of themselves, "I'm enchanted!"

You get what I mean? I am in need of sugar right now and pretty much rambled and thought-dumped this entire post so I hope it actually makes sense...

[Mahkzamilyun]

My only concern is that the reader will be bored by the events leading to the climax.

I don't think any relevant event in a story will be boring to the reader if there is a sense of accumulating tension in it. You can establish character without dragging the reader through every step of your protagonist's daily routine. Maybe have your character think a little more about himself in relation to society while he is doing his milk route. BTW, did he spill the milk because he started to get upset about the circumstances involving his truancy? If he did, I didn't get that from the excerpt.

From my various gleanings of good articles on writing, there should be no filler in a plot-driven story. Description and dialogue should be used efficiently. But you do have to think about the mood you want to convey for the scene, too... Shou is relaxed and feels that he can take his time on the milk route. When he begins, the sun is just rising and the air is cool. Yet after a brief paragraph about the arsons, he is noticing housewives staring at him. Did hours pass between that time or does everyone just get up at the buttcrack of dawn in this town? What else was he thinking about during that time to himself? What was the "long way" like? The sounds, smells, sights...? Right now there is little opportunity for immersion and the milk spilling does not break the calm like it could. You could really lull the reader into a peaceful calm and then shatter it, but instead, you only have Shou telling us about the arsons and the town.

Actually, now that I look at it, that line about the arsons is just shoehorned in out of nowhere. I guess I see how "arson in upscale residential areas" and "rich people getting milk" connects, but it still feels abrupt. What does Shou think about the arsons, anyway? He just casually mentioned it. Is he worried about the arsons? Amused? Interested? I can't tell. Not enough of his personality is coming through in this excerpt because you have him narrating things to us very dryly and detached, as if he were not actually experiencing the things going on.

Example: Nobody relating a story from first person POV would say things like "I shake my head violently, as if to shake off the notion" or "Even though I'm too shocked to speak, my mouth moves on its own, as if enchanted by the lady's remarkably friendly smile." "As if" in 1st person sounds incredibly awkward - wouldn't he know whether or not he meant to shake off the thought? Similarly, a person who was too shocked to speak would probably not relate his experience in such a poetic fashion. In retrospect he might say "I was enchanted by her smile", but at the time of the event, I doubt anyone would say of themselves, "I'm enchanted!"

You get what I mean? I am in need of sugar right now and pretty much rambled and thought-dumped this entire post so I hope it actually makes sense...

Thank you so much for that insight. Although it seemed good when I was writing it, it seems like I've overlooked lots of details that I jotted down without a thought. There are certain elements to the story that I want to keep, but I'll try to make it more understandable to the reader, since most people probably can't read minds.

Also, I've been having some trouble showing the passing of time. How can I show that it is now nine o'clock rather than seven o'clock, without blandly stating that time has passed?

[Sapphi]

Thank you so much for that insight. Although it seemed good when I was writing it, it seems like I've overlooked lots of details that I jotted down without a thought. There are certain elements to the story that I want to keep, but I'll try to make it more understandable to the reader, since most people probably can't read minds.

Why, you're quite welcome... ^_^

You're not alone, either... I always forget half of what I wanted to say in any given scene that I write. Reading back on it later, I think, "Is this really all I wrote? In my head it was so much richer..." Were those excerpts from your first draft? It would probably help to write, lay it aside for a week or so, and then come back to it with refreshed vision. It should then be easier to notice awkward wording or places where things don't make sense. I guess it's then lather, rinse, repeat until you feel like you have it the way you like it.

Also, I've been having some trouble showing the passing of time. How can I show that it is now nine o'clock rather than seven o'clock, without blandly stating that time has passed?

Not quite sure about this one... position of the sun in the sky? Maybe it's shining in the protagonist's eyes or casting a cool shadow he would notice. A clock tower ringing in the town? The protagonist passing a school currently in session? I dunno.