Sweet Dreams (feedback appreciated!)

[Itriedisuck]

Hi peoples! so I had posted about this once before, and I felt I just didn't give enough information, and by the time I updated it, the post was already so far down the drain so now I decided to give you: SWEET DREAMS INTRO 2.0!!!. So this time around I posted days 1 and part of 2. The story is about a "loser" in real life who only has a couple of friends and doesn't have too many skills. However, when the main character falls asleep, he always has lucid dreams, where he becomes this hero who can do amazing things. One night, he sees a girl in his dreams that he doesn't know, who happens to be kidnapped by thugs. After failing to save her a few times, he manages an unlikely rescue, and you will have to read the rest to find out! I would really appreciate constructive criticism, this is a fairly new project (I haven't even hired an artist yet, so text only *sorry*) and I just need to see if people like where I am headed. Thanks a bunch guys and gals!
notes:
-nvl format
-BxG, with two girls to choose (they will determine endings)
-I will not compare someones voice to a bear going through a meat grinder in a final product just couldn't think of what to write.

[Aines445]

Hmmm....I played this whole thing.

And even if it's text only for now, I didn't really mind, Why? Cause I'm planning on making a visual novel, but I have problems in putting my art there. I felt like I had to download this.

But, now for some criticism

Well, I'll go over the story and overall plot first, I guess.
I liked it. It was the second best thing in the whole game. The whole lucid dreams thing and all (Hero Akihiro is the best Just saying...(THEYRE THE SAME PERSON WTF)) was a very nice idea and I got interested in that right away. And the girl (Not saying her name) was cool, and probably is an important character in the story, was pretty cool too.

Since I can't say anything about art, I'll tell you about the characters.
By the way, this is not really my type of game, so other people would like this better than me.

Akihiro:
I'm not sure. I guess I didn't really pay attention to the MAIN CHARACTER while raging about other things (Will be mentioned later). I liked Akihiro when he was a hero, but didn't like coward Akihiro that was the kendo club's bitch <.< But that's my own opinion and other people could have different opinions so no need to change that (Besides maybe he'll be stronger or more couragious later(?)). And lol SO MANY DREAM DIARIES I never met people that had those! ^-^. After meeting some CERTAIN CHARACTERS I kinda knew what to expect from him(Even if I have my own premonitions on this, it doesn't mean they could be right)
Arashi:
I couldn't really get anything about him except that he's the track team captain and likes running. Not that much but it wasn't the whole game and he's not the focus of the story so it's forgiven.
Mai:
*sigh* I personnaly don't like that stereotype and really rage whenever I see them, so I wasn't so fond of her. From the minute Akihiro introduced her, I hated her instantly. Fortunatly for you, there are other people that like the childhood friend that obviously likes him type, so don't be bothered with this.
Kaito:
He was such a bully. I couldn't think he was japanese with this, I was just laughing whenever there was his dialogue, since the best thing in the whole game was trying to mimic your description of his voice XD it was just awesome that way.
Miyako:
She was nice, for me anything better than Mai, but she also had an expected personality. But I liked it so no complaints here.

So I'd say that the story's pretty nice, but I personally think that the characters were kind of stereotypical and all those japanese names didn't really help. And ALSOOOOO, THOSE TYPOS. There were so many, and so many mistakes, I was raging with this. English is not your main language, is it ? (It's also not my main language if no one noticed yet) If it is then WTF, and if it's not, that's totally comprehensible, but you should really fix this.

[DreamDragonHatchling]

I have to agree to Aines445, stay a hell off stereotypes! Books, movies, VN, anime, manga is littered with them and most hate them and can even stop reading if thy are too many. Look it this way- part of enjoyment of reading is finding out about characters, there personalty's, who thy are, and what thy are really like, we all have more then one face, that we show to world.
Why no one likes stereotypes? Thy mostly are open books, there nothing in them. No filling. In first minutes you already know characters personality and so you have no motive to want to learn about them farther.

Mai, as soon as we see her, we know she is love interest, so there is no mystery about that one, part of fun taken away form the beginning. We know that she is good and will care about MC and she maybe already has little feelings for MC.... More interesting wold be, that she is out of question, she has already a boyfriend. MC and Mai are like brother and sister and nothing more. Well I just saying.. It's your story and characters so do with them whatever you want, as long as thy are interesting.

If you decide to make other intros, please make possible for thous who read previous ones to skip to new part...

And about characters japanese names, if Japan is not MAJOR plot driver, then maybe not use it? There are plenty of them in anime, manga, VN, so its feels a bit fresher then it's not another japanese thing that is everywhere. Well it would be okay if your are japanese and feel more comfortable writing about what you know, but are you?

As for the story, it seems to go nicely along.

Only ting that I'm afraid of is that Miyako really approached MC only because he is a Hero and "saved" her, in her place i would be pissed of for dying every night and stressed out. If I was Miyako i would want to learn why I am in his dream not other way around. How can i make dream mine and even plot a revenge for making me go trough this past nights. He might had saved her, but there is no hero if there is no villain. So he is unconsciously at faulty that she died so many times. Because of HIM there is a villain. And there is only 0,5 % of people who wouldn't hate MC (doesn't mean thy say it to his face that thy hate him) for being partly at fault.

Good luck!

[Aines445]

I have to agree to Aines445, stay a hell off stereotypes! Books, movies, VN, anime, manga is littered with them and most hate them and can even stop reading if thy are too many. Look it this way- part of enjoyment of reading is finding out about characters, there personalty's, who thy are, and what thy are really like, we all have more then one face, that we show to world.
Why no one likes stereotypes? Thy mostly are open books, there nothing in them. No filling. In first minutes you already know characters personality and so you have no motive to want to learn about them farther.

Mai, as soon as we see her, we know she is love interest, so there is no mystery about that one, part of fun taken away form the beginning. We know that she is good and will care about MC and she maybe already has little feelings for MC.... More interesting wold be, that she is out of question, she has already a boyfriend. MC and Mai are like brother and sister and nothing more. Well I just saying.. It's your story and characters so do with them whatever you want, as long as thy are interesting.

I really agree with you on that one, because I really like to get to know the characters, since I am a very character-driven person, maening if I don't like the characters, it will seriously make me not like the game as much. I really could've been harsher on that topic but.....I don't like to offend people . But I also think that you can make an original character, but based off of a stereotype. When I say this, I mean that doing a stereotype and basing off of it are very different things. Most things are not original, so exploiting stereotypes and not doing them completly could make the characters better. It's because there were some really predictable stereotypes right there, I couldn't even choose a favourite character (Well I guess it would be Kaito, best part of the game was the bear in a meat grinder thing, and I'm serious, mostly cause I like a good laugh (I DIDNT LAUGH BECAUSE OF THE DESCRIPTION ITSELF, I laughed because I really enjoyed trying to mimic it to no end)) But there are some people that like certain stereotypes because they like what will happen in them. But indeed, if a character isn't interesting, then no one will like it.

If you decide to make other intros, please make possible for thous who read previous ones to skip to new part...

And about characters japanese names, if Japan is not MAJOR plot driver, then maybe not use it? There are plenty of them in anime, manga, VN, so its feels a bit fresher then it's not another japanese thing that is everywhere. Well it would be okay if your are japanese and feel more comfortable writing about what you know, but are you?

As for the story, it seems to go nicely along.

Only ting that I'm afraid of is that Miyako really approached MC only because he is a Hero and "saved" her, in her place i would be pissed of for dying every night and stressed out. If I was Miyako i would want to learn why I am in his dream not other way around. How can i make dream mine and even plot a revenge for making me go trough this past nights. He might had saved her, but there is no hero if there is no villain. So he is unconsciously at faulty that she died so many times. Because of HIM there is a villain. And there is only 0,5 % of people who wouldn't hate MC (doesn't mean thy say it to his face that thy hate him) for being partly at fault.

Lol, I actually might've played the first version (only), so yeah, I could've seriously missed out on something XD.

I mostly don't mind the japanese names and references (one thing though: it took me a while to figure out that a shinai was a kendo sword, I never really saw kendo in my life XD), but one thing is to never overdo them (That wasn't the case in this game though). But I'm wondering, If they even said itadakimasu and had shinais and japanese names and all, where would the honorifics be??? (Just thought about this now). Like, if it is (?) in Japan, it would be appropriate and all....Whatever XD. And yeah, like if I were japanese, then it would be completly forgivable(I'm not though), like how I would use my country's school system(That is nothing like japanese schools), because I'm the most familiar with that culture. And if I weren't I would do some very long research on it, like how I sometimes write stories, and one of them needed some very extense knowledge on japanese mythology, and I researched everything about it, and only then I wrote the story. But even if I don't mind the japanese references and names, a lot of people are sick of it indeed.

And about Miyako, I laughed so hard at this, because I never really thought about her, except that I saw those types of girls too in some animes. And yeah if I were in her place I would be like "WTF WHY U NO SAVE ME ALREADY FFS (For fucks sake)!!(Typos and gramar mistakes intended) and would be raging so hard at him XD, and when he saved me I would be like "FINNALY!!!" XD. And I would get away from him forever (Since it said that you needed to be a certain distance from the other person to share dreams), because I'd never want to be in his dreams ever again XD

But aside from that, I really like the story and all, seems pretty cool, But might I be the only one that saw SO MANY TYPOS OR GRAMAR MISTAKES??....It'll be on my head for ages to come XD.

[Itriedisuck]

@Aines445
Thanks for the comment! I am glad that you liked the story. As for the typos, I am sorry... it is quite sad because English is my first language, however, I was writing this in wordpad which has no spell check, so that was really my bad . You know, I really added some of the stereotypes only because I have never written a visual novel before. I have played the nasuverse ones (All three Fate/Stay night routes and tsukihime), so I based mine around those a bit.... The japanese names on the other hand just fit better to me. When I started, I was really getting into the japanese school system and traditions, plus the traditions of the characters of other VN's (for example, the characters in Fate usually had small social meetings after the main character had cooked dinner for them). I then had to make a decision of whether to set the VN in America (where I know how the system worked) or Japan (where I would have to do some research). I had chosen American names for the characters, but switched them later because I really felt like I am terrible at picking names XD (Akihiro was just hero because I hadn't written past the dream yet, Kaito's name was Scott, Arashi's name was Mat, and Mai's name was Carol).
I have plenty thought ahead for this, so don't worry about Akihiro being kendo's bitch forever, and definitely expect Mai and Miyako to change alot (pm me if you are really curious)... but thank you very much for the feed back, it was very helpful!

[Itriedisuck]

@dreamdragonhatchling
So you found me again! thanks for replying and I hoped the section of day 2 gave you more info... as for a skip button... that is a very good idea, if and when I update this, I will be very sure to add that. I really wanted the base of this VN to be about how the characters evolved around their experiences... so when I started writing, I kind of wanted the personality of the people well defined if not 100% obvious, that way once you see the changes in the characters you would say "oh wow, they sure aren't that kid anymore".... maybe I went a bit too heavy on the stereotypes and such to define the characters, but I certainly want to mold something completely different out of all of them (any of the characters mentioned here will have major roles in the future, even Kaito). But thanks for commenting!

[Aines445]

Hmm....Well, you can do a lot of mistakes when you're writing, even with your main language, so yeah I understand, I mostly try my best to check for typos that I made, so maybe you should also check for typos before getting the game already (for a little bit at least), cause there's an awful lot of people that get really pissed off with that (I normally don't though (Says the one that complained XD ). And about the stereotype thing, are you saying that you're using those as a foundation before developing characters? (The game isn't finished so you could still make some nice changes to it) If so, that's a good thing (at least in my opinion), because having something that's 100% original is hard, and you can base characters off of things that you see most (I never played the VN's you mentioned though) or even on parts of you or your life (Even subconsciously, as I tried to not base characters out of myself and my life, but those characters ended up being based on that anyways XD, so yeah.) For example, I also use stereotypes (And even accesories!! Example: Me "Hmmmm.......I want....A CHARACTER WITH HEADPHONES!! XD") as a foundation for making my characters, but I end up having some nice final results, and I also put on my comment above about exploiting stereotypes and all.Oh, and about Mai, that's mostly instinctive hatred, that other people may not really think the same way so don't really be bothered with that. And I personally don't mind it being set up in Japan, really, as long as I like the characters and the overall plot is good. But really, (as I also mentined on my comment above) I took some time figuring out what a shinai was, because I don't have kendo in my country, I only knew that kendo was about swordfighting because of Persona 3 XD. And I actually thought those american names fit pretty nicely (especially Arashi, I thought Mat was a good name choice for him XD) But I also can't imagine Kaito being named Scott, because I when I saw that name the first time in the game I thought it was not fitting, making it funnier for me, so it became better the name Kaito now (Or I would've said I liked Scott better, I do think it fits). And if you're researching on how Japan's school system is, then it would be better. I'm more of a fantasy person (How I like demons and magic and all), I don't really have any focus on school systems though, and I have no idea how an american school system really is (If it's the same as most movies depict it.....*sigh*).
And it's great that you have a lot of ideas! ^-^ The more inspiration you have, the better it is to make a long story *Is not fond of short stories**cough* and when I said that he was the kendo club's bitch (I said it first but yet I laugh at my own words XD) I meant for reals WAS, like past

Because he got kicked out of the kendo club.............right?............................right? XD)

and I'm looking forward to how much will Mai change, and Miyako, I guess I'm also looking forward to that. (I also put this on the comment above. YEAH AGAIN XD) I might've not played the second version, so the one that I played could've had more typos than the most recent one (I'm not sure of this though, so yeah).
And I guess I'm glad I helped, even if I don't think I help that much XD. Good luck with your visual novel! ^-^ (Damn I used XD FAR TOO MANY TIMES)

[Itriedisuck]

@Aines
dont worry, I use XD way too much as well. btw, if the version you played was from this post, its the most recent (the first version only had day 1, version 2 is on this post and included a part of day 2). Yeah, when the dreams aren't going on, the school is where the main plot is going to be unfolding, so I really do need to put more effort towards that .

[Aines445]

@Aines
dont worry, I use XD way too much as well. btw, if the version you played was from this post, its the most recent (the first version only had day 1, version 2 is on this post and included a part of day 2). Yeah, when the dreams aren't going on, the school is where the main plot is going to be unfolding, so I really do need to put more effort towards that .

Oh, that's nice! ^-^ I would really feel bad if I didn't really play this versions, seems that I did! Well, I can't really help you with japanese schools, I never really researched on that, and I never met a japanese person (But I wonder if their schools all have uniforms and things like that.....Only the private schools in my country have uniforms, for the others , I guess you have to wear a T-shirt in PE, so that really makes me wonder, cause they do so many uniforms and all, is that actually common in their real life? I have no idea XD), with that right there, you can kinda guess XD, and I usually don't use school systems, so yeah, sorry

[DreamDragonHatchling]

But I also can't imagine Kaito being named Scott

Well Kaito can be just Kaito? Japanese person who's family moved to ____ country?

Name Kaito is okay, easy to pronounce, but Miyako sounds... and other japanese names.... Wen I can choose, I go for american/english names, Thy are closer to my own country's names(at least pronouncing them is easy) and so I can remember them.
When I'm reading a manga or watching anime, I only will remember 1-3 names all other I will guess, when two characters are talking about someone who isn't there. When I'm completely lost, I return to some place and check the names.
Right now I remember Mai's name, easy short name and Kaito, right now my favorite characters.... and that's it. Well right now there areant thet many characters so if reading i now, that that is other girls name and that probably is childhood friends name and MC name is on A, so as long as other cherecter with first letter A don't show up, i will know who thy are talking about.
Then again, maybe my memory is just bad.

About school uniforms:
In my country you won't find school uniforms, so i always envy other that have them. So it's a + if you will have them ;3

[Aines445]

But I also can't imagine Kaito being named Scott

Well Kaito can be just Kaito? Japanese person who's family moved to ____ country?

Name Kaito is okay, easy to pronounce, but Miyako sounds... and other japanese names.... Wen I can choose, I go for american/english names, Thy are closer to my own country's names(at least pronouncing them is easy) and so I can remember them.
When I'm reading a manga or watching anime, I only will remember 1-3 names all other I will guess, when two characters are talking about someone who isn't there. When I'm completely lost, I return to some place and check the names.
Right now I remember Mai's name, easy short name and Kaito, right now my favorite characters.... and that's it. Well right now there areant thet many characters so if reading i now, that that is other girls name and that probably is childhood friends name and MC name is on A, so as long as other cherecter with first letter A don't show up, i will know who thy are talking about.
Then again, maybe my memory is just bad.

About school uniforms:
In my country you won't find school uniforms, so i always envy other that have them. So it's a + if you will have them ;3

Lol when I said that I now can't imagine Kaito being named Scott, I was saying that because I never thought about naming a bully Kaito, making it funny, and therefore, fitting for me XD. I also mostly use english names, because I don't want to use the names from my country, besides some might be dificult to pronounce, unless I make a story in a specific country or place, where it would be proper to use names natural to that specific country. I actually always remember every characters names in anime or manga or games, only if I haven't seen/read/played them for a while XD, and it never really mattered from which country the names were, and I've got a prttey lousy memory XD. But I kind of read too fast and forget a lot of details about the story or plot itself, making it really hard for me to explain a story to someone. Though short names are pretty memorable, I could also remember names that I find to be interesting (I don't really have examples for this) and if they're long, you can always make up a funny nickname and you'll remember right away XD.

And really? I never really envied people for having school uniforms, because it always pissed me off when I had to bring those shirts, especially in winter. In my country it's pretty rare to have school uniforms, you can always wear what you want (Except really outragious clothes XD) and only met a friend or two that were in a school that had uniforms and they were private elementary schools so yeah, not many schools have them. But I really never wore one before, makes me curious (sucks that I don't like skirts that much XD) . But I wonder if in japanese games or japanese high school settings in visual novels always have uniforms for fanservice or do they really have that many? XD

[Itriedisuck]

You know, reading this is really making me debate changing the setting back to America.... between my job and school, I'm not sure if I can really put the time towards researching japanese school systems, but I liked the idea of Kaito staying Kaito. Names are really something I struggle with when thinking of stories, and the japanese names sound so much better to me (for all I know, Kaito is a very common name, but since I have never heard it, I like it. Using names like Chris or Ashley doesn't work for me because I know people with those names XD). And you know, reading all of these comments (I have to keep rereading them, simply cause they give me ideas), I realized that without some of the other ideas in my head the beginning doesn't make complete sense.... especially the part about why Miyako stays around..... so i am going to give you guys one of the twists I had planned, just so it makes more sense, and because you guys have been awesome (well, that was a rather long, run-on sentence, wasn't it?)
btw, this is going to apply to a couple of endings.. I planned to have 6 endings (a true, good, and bad ending for each girl).

After a little while, Akihiro is going to get curious about lucid dreaming with shared dreams. He is going to find a book which explains that the person with the most concentration into the dream will be the "host dreamer", meaning that both people will be in that person's dream. Using a few articles from this book, he is going to discover that he was in Miyako's dream all the time and that she was manipulating him. As he is leaving the place where he finds the book (probably a library), Mai calls him and says she is being chased and is close by, so Akihiro rushes to help her (by this time, his character has developed more into the hero personality from his dreams, and he is much more confident). When Akihiro gets to Mai, she is cornered, but he manages to fight the thugs (Kaito is among them) enough so that Mai gets to safety (she goes to the police). The thugs beat Akihiro to a pulp, putting him in a coma (which he read was dangerous for lucid dreamers, because they could get lost in their own mind). Miyako appears in the dream world and reveals that she was the one to hire the thugs, because she saw Mai as a threat to her and Akihiro's happiness (yes, she's psycho). So then its up to the player whether or not to resist Miyako, or to fall for her.

[Aines445]

You know, reading this is really making me debate changing the setting back to America.... between my job and school, I'm not sure if I can really put the time towards researching japanese school systems, but I liked the idea of Kaito staying Kaito. Names are really something I struggle with when thinking of stories, and the japanese names sound so much better to me (for all I know, Kaito is a very common name, but since I have never heard it, I like it. Using names like Chris or Ashley doesn't work for me because I know people with those names XD). And you know, reading all of these comments (I have to keep rereading them, simply cause they give me ideas), I realized that without some of the other ideas in my head the beginning doesn't make complete sense.... especially the part about why Miyako stays around..... so i am going to give you guys one of the twists I had planned, just so it makes more sense, and because you guys have been awesome (well, that was a rather long, run-on sentence, wasn't it?)
btw, this is going to apply to a couple of endings.. I planned to have 6 endings (a true, good, and bad ending for each girl).

After a little while, Akihiro is going to get curious about lucid dreaming with shared dreams. He is going to find a book which explains that the person with the most concentration into the dream will be the "host dreamer", meaning that both people will be in that person's dream. Using a few articles from this book, he is going to discover that he was in Miyako's dream all the time and that she was manipulating him. As he is leaving the place where he finds the book (probably a library), Mai calls him and says she is being chased and is close by, so Akihiro rushes to help her (by this time, his character has developed more into the hero personality from his dreams, and he is much more confident). When Akihiro gets to Mai, she is cornered, but he manages to fight the thugs (Kaito is among them) enough so that Mai gets to safety (she goes to the police). The thugs beat Akihiro to a pulp, putting him in a coma (which he read was dangerous for lucid dreamers, because they could get lost in their own mind). Miyako appears in the dream world and reveals that she was the one to hire the thugs, because she saw Mai as a threat to her and Akihiro's happiness (yes, she's psycho). So then its up to the player whether or not to resist Miyako, or to fall for her.

HOLY SHIIIIIIIT I never expected THAT PLOT TWIST!! XD

And thinking about it (I'm saying how Miyako was acting and from what I played) It makes sense that she's like that *feels stupid to have never predicted this*. I also like the idea of Kaito staying Kaito, It's just awesome like that XD, maybe he'd be this japanese guy that transfered to the american school, that is this awesome kendo champion, and he beat up anyone that made fun of him or was racist (Lol wat? XD I was kidding by the way). And also, I don't really mind if it's japanese or american, it could be vietnamese or arabian names, I'd enjoy it anyway XD (But the issue was that japanese names were common in visual novels for fucks sake myself XD). Well, now to talk about the plot twist:
I think it was unexpected. I wasn't really thinking about that. But it's not gonna be the good ending, right?...

I don't know, it doesn't really feel like it to me. Like, in the end your options are : Resist or be forced to love her because you think you don't have a choice, because realistically, I wouldn't fall for her if she MADE ME FIGHT A MILLION BULLIES AND KAITO REPEATEDLY AAAAAAAN PUT ME IN A COMA. I would just be like FUCK YOU. So yeah, I would consider this a bad ending or I guess a true ending, since you find out that she's the one behind it all. Or this could determine your routes, but then I wouldn't like Miyako that much I would've liked if Mai could've been hurt when she was attacked, maybe killed... WHAT I DIDN'T SAY THAT <.< >.> XD. But yeah, I wouldn't fall for her in those circumstances, but even psychos can have better routes and endings with a lot nicer scenes and less pretty much dead Akihiro XD. Oh and by the way , How can Mai call him while being chased?? Well, I guess it's possible, but if it were me I'd run as fast as I can and besides, wouldn't there be people around?? It kinda doesn't make sense for me, and wouldn't they go to jail?? You can't wound a person that much without some punishment, and were they armed?? If they weren't it makes it weirder, cause I don't really think you can put a guy in a coma with your bare hands XD.

But aside from that, it's a nice idea, and I'm supporting this. (I never thought I was awesome though XD) Anyways, it's nice that you have a lot of ideas! ^-^

[Itriedisuck]

I had already thought about some of that. I'll write it in a spoiler box...

I had planned to allow the player to ignore the phone call from Mai, and that would part of Mai's bad ending where she dies... the reason I put it that you could go with Miyako after finding out was for like a last ditch effort to get a Miyako ending. Kaito and the thugs (II was thinking the thugs might be the kendo club...if I don't change that) will of course be punished XD. That story vein will probably only get you to half the endings, I will probably make another path where Akihiro wont end up in a coma (but I really like the idea). I had thought of making a path where Miyako died too, but I decided against it. She really ties akihiro and the lucid dreaming together, so killing her would work against me. But anyways, the gears are still turning, and I am slowly but surely writing more, so thanks for the feedback XD. Oh, and to answer your question, I can only guess (which is bad because I am the writer) Mai would be able to run and call Akihiro because she is on the track team just a guess XD

[Aines445]

I had already thought about some of that. I'll write it in a spoiler box...

I had planned to allow the player to ignore the phone call from Mai, and that would part of Mai's bad ending where she dies... the reason I put it that you could go with Miyako after finding out was for like a last ditch effort to get a Miyako ending. Kaito and the thugs (II was thinking the thugs might be the kendo club...if I don't change that) will of course be punished XD. That story vein will probably only get you to half the endings, I will probably make another path where Akihiro wont end up in a coma (but I really like the idea). I had thought of making a path where Miyako died too, but I decided against it. She really ties akihiro and the lucid dreaming together, so killing her would work against me. But anyways, the gears are still turning, and I am slowly but surely writing more, so thanks for the feedback XD. Oh, and to answer your question, I can only guess (which is bad because I am the writer) Mai would be able to run and call Akihiro because she is on the track team just a guess XD

Oh but if you like that idea then you don't need to really change it!

Besides, maybe you could make the route (I guess Miyako's route cause you can't talk to Mai while you're in a coma) like this: since Miyako trapped you in the dream world (I guess?), or I guess put you in a coma by making thugs almost kill you, you're trying to find ways to get out of there, but I guess while you do that, Miyako will be talking with you and showing up and all, (Sucks at explaining >.<), you will eventually fall in love with her, and you could make a choice that will define some endings after this. I totally screwed up explaining this, didn't I?

By the way, DO NOTE that this is just an example, and that I still wouldn't mind playing that idea. Besides, I like how the characters are turning out, so I'm looking forward to this more ^-^.
MAYBE

You could make a nice Mai route depending on your previous choices and you're still in a coma, where Mai becomes very sad, and wishing to see Akihiro again, concentrates so much she ends up in Akihiro's dreams Not that I would like a Mai route at all though WHAT? I'm going crazy XD

(That sounds more like an ending but oh well)
Yeah, but these are just to give you some ideas, besides, there would be a lot of people that would like what you did (I wasnt expecting THAT plot twist XD). Besides, my favorite game out of all games I played (Persona 3 portable), has the character that I hate the most out of all games (Lol That's just weird XD), and I still love the damned game, so I'd say you're doing a good job! ^-^