lemme review your writting!

[elhlyn]

well the title is pretty straight forward, just give me a brief summary (or even a link) about your story. I for one have my own story but that sadly would have to be on hold until my artist can draw out these characters.

if you have any questions for suggestions in your story, ask away!

[Aines445]

Well, I haven't really done anything with it yet, but here:

Sarah was always alone since she was a child. Why? Because everyone was jealous of her because she was the best at holy magic (Healing, purification), and that was that building's specialty. That building is a place where you develop your magical power for better holy magic by training, and no one seemed to be better at it than Sarah. One day, at 16 years of age, that building was suddenly attacked and destroyed, and Sarah got knocked out in the process, only to wake up and finding herself imprisoned someone with a thief called Claire, that was coincidentally there when the building was destroyed (I'm not really naming it because it's not the plot focus). Claire finds a way out and planned to leave Sarah there but decided to help her. After that, Sarah decided to follow her, but someone was trying to kill her. So they find the culprits (Yes more than one) and beat them, but they actually were just frustrated that Sarah ignored them, because they were apparently made by her parents for her not be alone because she was "different", and she never really knew this. So, they decide to become friends with her, and Claire slowly started caring about her. But because of what they said, she decides to try to find out who her parents were, but the search leads her to her sisters, that tell her that they're dead and that she was actually a vampire (Yeah, in this story, vampires can adapt to the sun by pretty much being forced to stay in the sun for a certain amount of time everyday, that constantly grows). Yeah the story continues after this but I think this summary is too big and that this was pretty much the plot leading to the continuation, so this is fine, I guess. But maybe I should also explain the world? Well, you just asked for the story so...

Yeah, I'm really wondering if it's good ^-^.

[elhlyn]

Well, I haven't really done anything with it yet, but here:

Sarah was always alone since she was a child. Why? Because everyone was jealous of her because she was the best at holy magic (Healing, purification), and that was that building's specialty. That building is a place where you develop your magical power for better holy magic by training, and no one seemed to be better at it than Sarah. One day, at 16 years of age, that building was suddenly attacked and destroyed, and Sarah got knocked out in the process, only to wake up and finding herself imprisoned someone with a thief called Claire, that was coincidentally there when the building was destroyed (I'm not really naming it because it's not the plot focus). Claire finds a way out and planned to leave Sarah there but decided to help her. After that, Sarah decided to follow her, but someone was trying to kill her. So they find the culprits (Yes more than one) and beat them, but they actually were just frustrated that Sarah ignored them, because they were apparently made by her parents for her not be alone because she was "different", and she never really knew this. So, they decide to become friends with her, and Claire slowly started caring about her. But because of what they said, she decides to try to find out who her parents were, but the search leads her to her sisters, that tell her that they're dead and that she was actually a vampire (Yeah, in this story, vampires can adapt to the sun by pretty much being forced to stay in the sun for a certain amount of time everyday, that constantly grows). Yeah the story continues after this but I think this summary is too big and that this was pretty much the plot leading to the continuation, so this is fine, I guess. But maybe I should also explain the world? Well, you just asked for the story so...

Yeah, I'm really wondering if it's good ^-^.

your summary? big? nooooooo. my story's plot is too damn complicated because its binded to 100 years worth of history crunched down to 5 (search up Sengoku jidai)

hmmm well, not going to lie, the idea of that everyone is jealous of her because she can do healing magic, kinda sounds..... well, not good. Now I'm not going to be harsh and rude and scream out "Marry sue!" assuming you know what it is,

if not, basically its what we call when a character (main usually) is too perfect (super smart, pretty, strong, can overcome any obstacle) and everyone <3 her or hates her because they're jealous that they're perfect. its bad because the character has no room to improve and is extremely unrealistic.

with in this case a vampire and a talented Cleric? (sorry too much rpg games) sounds like your swimming in dangerous waters. First of all is the Vampire thing necessarily? like does it really change anything? the idea of vampires in the sun and all of a sudden she knows that she is a vampire, might not be a good idea, no offense. okay, I admit it sucks for you that the modern media is over starched with vampires that can stay in the sunlight (twilight is too bad of an example to use) I mean a Cleric is okay, but you might have to get a bit more detailed in to that. if you're capable of writing complex Ideas as well as a LOT OF RESEARCH, perhaps the idea of Clerics and religious powers can be sort of the world of this story, perhaps its more got to do with the idea of different religions capable of different forms of magic.

yours, assuming that its christian/catholic cleric, are capable of religious powers of the 7 virtues. if its healing magic, than perhaps Sarah studied under the virtue of charity. now don't think that Sarah can master another if not all 7 virtues, no one can do that (just don't make her over powered please?).
sorry, think I went overboard. perhaps you can weave my theory/idea of your world being heavily religiously magical and to your world.


maybe instead of her being very talented, have her modestly skilled, commendable, but a good to a few amount of students are more skilled. maybe she's lonely because she's shy, I'm not insisting that something traumatic happen to her (making her anti-social) but perhaps she was home-schooled the first few years of her life (making her uncomfortable to non-family members.

so what is the main point of the story? (kind of a hypocrite because my story sorta lacks a drive itself)
so is the story the relationship/friendship between Sarah and Clarie? or is it more about the missing parents. I cannot give you more suggestions about the plot since its your story. I personally think that it needs some polishing but it has potential don't give up!

[Aines445]

hmmm well, not going to lie, the idea of that everyone is jealous of her because she can do healing magic, kinda sounds..... well, not good. Now I'm not going to be harsh and rude and scream out "Marry sue!" assuming you know what it is,

if not, basically its what we call when a character (main usually) is too perfect (super smart, pretty, strong, can overcome any obstacle) and everyone <3 her or hates her because they're jealous that they're perfect. its bad because the character has no room to improve and is extremely unrealistic.

Lol She's not super strong, she is very physically weak, and Claire's the total opposite, being physically strong and not being able to use magic. Sarah is actually supposed to be kind of weird, because of one thing that I thought that it would be really weird if I added : Her hair is like, rainbow-colored and all, so they would also make of her and resent her, but I thought it would be kinda stupid to add, so I didn't put it in, I guess I kinda made her sound stronger than she really is, not the best healer in the world, just the best healer (student) in the building. She will improve in strenght throughout the game, like she is really shy because of her past, so she will become more confident throughout the story, that actually continues on after that.

with in this case a vampire and a talented Cleric? (sorry too much rpg games) sounds like your swimming in dangerous waters. First of all is the Vampire thing necessarily? like does it really change anything? the idea of vampires in the sun and all of a sudden she knows that she is a vampire, might not be a good idea, no offense. okay, I admit it sucks for you that the modern media is over starched with vampires that can stay in the sunlight (twilight is too bad of an example to use) I mean a Cleric is okay, but you might have to get a bit more detailed in to that. if you're capable of writing complex Ideas as well as a LOT OF RESEARCH, perhaps the idea of Clerics and religious powers can be sort of the world of this story, perhaps its more got to do with the idea of different religions capable of different forms of magic.

Well, when she was in the building, she was pretty much a student, so I wouldn't really say talented cleric. Indeed it really sucks that everyone's into vampires now, but I didn't choose that because I was, it was to be kinda original I guess (Vampire+ healer stereotype? It sounded weirdly different XD). It kinda does change it in terms of finding her parents, that I didn't really reveal because it's WAY ahead of the story. If Sarah worked like twilight I'd hang her in a disco and we'd all have a party 8D (XD). But it kinda works like this: Vampire's are weak against the sun, meaning normal vampires (Not sun-adapted or trying to be one) can stay in the sun for about 10 seconds tops, or he'll die, or is already dead, depends on the person. So if the normal vampire stayed in the sun for until it's painful and then leaving, it increases sun resistence (Not really he'd need A LOT more days of doing that, like Sarah was pretty much forced to do it for 16 years). And the perks really, are some bat features and a temporary mode (that feeds of blood) that enhances all of your physical abilities and senses, but Sarah doesn't really use it, since she was never aware of this. So yeah, I tried to really steer off twilight (Tried, I don't really think I succeeded XD).

yours, assuming that its christian/catholic cleric, are capable of religious powers of the 7 virtues. if its healing magic, than perhaps Sarah studied under the virtue of charity. now don't think that Sarah can master another if not all 7 virtues, no one can do that (just don't make her over powered please?).
sorry, think I went overboard. perhaps you can weave my theory/idea of your world being heavily religiously magical and to your world.

Well, since I'm pretty much dumb as bricks when it comes to religion XD, I don't really think it's about that. I first based Sarah off a healer stereotype, but of course being more developed to not be one. And no, you didn't go overboard, I really suck at explaining things, and I was kind of expecting that reaction (Yeah if it were me I'd say the same stuff XD), but It's more magical than religiously magical though, that's for sure. I really have the concept of it, but I never really did show it, as you only said the story, so I assumed it's just plot.

maybe instead of her being very talented, have her modestly skilled, commendable, but a good to a few amount of students are more skilled. maybe she's lonely because she's shy, I'm not insisting that something traumatic happen to her (making her anti-social) but perhaps she was home-schooled the first few years of her life (making her uncomfortable to non-family members.

Yeah, the reason she's shy, I guess it's cause she was bullied? Because she was pretty hated.

so what is the main point of the story? (kind of a hypocrite because my story sorta lacks a drive itself)
so is the story the relationship/friendship between Sarah and Clarie? or is it more about the missing parents. I cannot give you more suggestions about the plot since its your story. I personally think that it needs some polishing but it has potential don't give up!

The main point of the story would kinda be friendship I guess XD, so the friendship between Sarah and Claire (And some other people but that's also ahead of the starting plot). But really, yeah some plot ahead and even now needs some polishing (More names for example, some changes), But yeah thanks! ^-^

[elhlyn]

well, for your idea of the Cleric + vampire Archetype (not stereotype like you added, this is the more correct term) is in fact contradicting and different. however, my point is that to me as a reader, it doesn't seem more like a contradicting sort of combination which doesn't work out very well, and it comes back to my question again, I mean I guess she can be part something else other than vampires, its not fair that she manages to be one of the few who can withstand light and what not.

and also rainbow hair? seriously? no, just no, sorry to bash you but no way should anyone have rainbow hair (yes I know that includes Rainbow dash from My little pony)

and I need to know her flaws, I do truly think that its best to make her feel socially awkward to not have friends but not because everyone hates/ jealous of her or anything, its really not them but Sarah herself that makes her lonely


the main focus of your character is to make her believable and realistic, even if its a fantasy story. Take my main character Ao for example:
the only thing special about him is that through his family their names are based on the color of their eyes at birth (so their eye color is random and not hereditary)

his special-ness is something completely useless to the story and can be changed, not affecting the story that much. My character is flawed in that he is very rude to people lower than him and that he tends to care more about his pride than his friends and lover. of course he changes through out the story; He has flaws that can and will be fixed throughout the story

that's what I need to see in Sarah. Flaws that can be fixed throughout the story as well as a more realistic personality ( which I feel i didn't get well, can you explain her personality?

[Aines445]

well, for your idea of the Cleric + vampire Archetype (not stereotype like you added, this is the more correct term) is in fact contradicting and different. however, my point is that to me as a reader, it doesn't seem more like a contradicting sort of combination which doesn't work out very well, and it comes back to my question again, I mean I guess she can be part something else other than vampires, its not fair that she manages to be one of the few who can withstand light and what not.

Well, she's not really a rarity if you make me tell you about the vampire population, pretty much A LOT of them are training for that, Sarah kinda "trained" too (Well, she wasn't really aware of that though XD). Yeah I guess I just like weirdly different stuff, I dont know XD. It's more she was human at first, but then she had to encounter vampires, but it made me raise this question "How would the vampires not attack them?? That's a plot hole, stupid!!!XD" and so I made her a vampire and made pretty much a vampire race (To fix a plot hole Just wow XD).

and also rainbow hair? seriously? no, just no, sorry to bash you but no way should anyone have rainbow hair (yes I know that includes Rainbow dash from My little pony)

XD I knew you'd say that. But it was kinda temporary, because it had a reason to be ONLY in the first part of the story, she was going to know that it wasn't her natural color (Which is black XD), I don't just like rainbow hair you know XD, so I'm gonna take that out, and put other stuff, rainbow's just not my thing XD

and I need to know her flaws, I do truly think that its best to make her feel socially awkward to not have friends but not because everyone hates/ jealous of her or anything, its really not them but Sarah herself that makes her lonely
the main focus of your character is to make her believable and realistic, even if its a fantasy story. Take my main character Ao for He has flaws that can and will be fixed throughout the story

that's what I need to see in Sarah. Flaws that can be fixed throughout the story as well as a more realistic personality ( which I feel i didn't get well, can you explain her personality?

Indeed, even if it's fantasy, a believable character is needed, and I personally think you achieve that with character development, so she's not staying the same (Like, she is pretty WEAK, because her only specialty in the first part is healing, nothing else XD).
Okay, so Sarah is very shy and doesn't really have any confidence in herself, due to her past, she is also naive, making her pretty vulnerable, and her only wish is to make friends (Really? That sounds so cheesy XD). So yeah, she's not really awesome, and Claire will clearly be the strongest one in the beggining of the story, but of course, both willl develop and change, like Sarah will become more confident, and also other things. So I think she has flaws. Both physically and in personality, I think she does have flaws. She also likes to help people and overall, is of good nature, unlike most vampires (I just had to go over that plot hole because it was pretty much common sense XD). There are always traits that don't change, so I decided that she'd still be a good person and have other kinds of traumas XD. So thanks for the posts, I am not giving up, and you kind of helped me with some things, as you made me think about some parts of the story that I'm planning to change, and also a lot of dialogue ^-^.

[Kessie]

I could really use a writing review so I'm jumping into this topic.
Then again, this isn't a summary.. but more like an introduction into an old story I did a few years back and am starting to think about again.

What I'd really like to know is if the story is worth pursuing and holds potential as well as if there is anything that makes it seem less realistic or off putting but feel free to add any other critique you want. ^^

Here it is!

It was evident in her innocent blue eyes, in the voices of professionals fading and a strange unidentified smell filling her senses that she was intoxicated, the reason given that it was for her own good yet it seemed so far from it.
Phoebe had collapsed in the back of a white van as the gas was released as soon as the doors were locked shut headed for her next destination, her new home, another mental institution.
Being unconscious she had been oblivious to the world in motion around her and the van's driver dangling his cigarette out the window as he halted the vehicle by a traffic light without a care in the world, not even a slight bit of remorse for his job. As long as it paid well, people would be capable of almost anything.

This was Phoebe's new life.
Precisely the fifth time she had been transferred but the first time venturing to the heart of the city. Her case had been so mind challenging, so curious but more significantly- difficult. No psychiatrist had thus far determined the cause of her symptoms, of her insanity or had the least bit of understanding why her mind, her brain, her thinking capacity had taken this entirely new leap away from what is considered the norm. Funnily enough, no psychiatrist she had been in contact with had managed to maintain their sanity either.

The first psychiatrist was Dr. James Sullivan Humphrey.
An ordinary local psychiatrist who was friendly at face value but cruel once the doors to his office were closed.
When she walked in and opened her mouth- the man was as some would say 'scarred for life'.
After further analysis of what we may call a 'victim' it was concluded he was suffering from Hysteria.
The second and third and others following were quite similar but the last one had it worse off.
Dr. Tina Callico, a psychiatrist with a pretty face that could get herself a modelling deal any day if she had wanted to. Why she had pursued a life of helping and studying people is uncertain, but what is certain what had happened once she met Phoebe. Tina starting drinking, smoking.. and not just cigarettes. The confidence and grace that would radiate from her as she would enter a room had dwindled and died to a scared little girl running away from her problems by turning to both legal and illegal substances.
Dr. Tina Callico was found dead a week after from overdose and that was when, they had Phoebe transferred. Other psychiatrists who were aware of Callico taking Phoebe's case were baffled by how things had progressed. For you see, Phoebe and Callico had only had one single session and the assigned psychiatrist had died the day before the next scheduled meeting. Originally, the institution thought they had a shot and played their cards right. Dr. Tina Callico who had kept their session confidential was the first female to have seen Phoebe and also the longest to stay in her presense. A record of five minutes. Not long enough to analyse, but pretty good in comparison to the professionals before her.
Desperate times call for desperate measures.

The doors to the van opened, welcoming the light into the darkness of Phoebe's confinement as she lay still on her side helplessly and unknowing of what was to come.
The driver stepped out, slamming his door carelessly and with a slouched back headed for the back of the vehicle to shake hands with the person who had come to greet him. "Well here's your package." was all that was said as strangers dressed in white attended to the lifeless girl- placing on her a straight jacket and other requirements should she awake sooner than expected.

[elhlyn]

sounds good, I like your writting style

however I think that I need you to clarify the main character so to speak, I mean yes it revolves around the girl Phoebe but is it like mostly in her perspective (not assuming its in her first person view if you know what I mean) or is it in another person's perspective like another psychatrist of some sort (not suggesting story ideas just using this as an example)


and also I need like an idea of what the plot is. like what's the main idea of the story? is it sort of like an account of the life of Phoebe? or something

and lastly,this is in my oppinion and it might be wrong but wouldn't the government notice that Phoebe burning through 5 psychatrist indirectly making them insane or even leading to suicide bring out an attention? I mean I'm not saying that like they should put her down like a murder or anything but yeah,


and I swear to god if its because this world is like Dystopia where people are attached to their technology like Fahrenheit 451 and that Phoebe was like Clarice in Fahrenheit 541 in which she knows "the truth" in life, I'm going to be bias and shake my head in great great disapproval *really hates Dystopia books*

[Kessie]

Thank you, I appreciate you taking the time to read and critique it ^^.

Well, what I provided was really just an introduction into the story rather than a summary of what I aim to do with it so I understand that there are a lot of questions that need to be addressed in regards to the overall plot.
To answer your first question, you were spot on. The story would be delivered in both the patient's (Phoebe) perspective and her newly assigned psychiatrist's on a more personal level compared to that of the introduction. In the introduction, I was simply aiming to apply a setting for the audience to adjust to and have an idea of rather than jumping straight into a character so they are able to relate and/or understand what is going on more neutrally rather than instantly being pressured to take on a biased siding with the protagonist. (Although I cannot say for sure whether or not I have executed that successfully)

The main idea of the story isn't really the account of Phoebe's life, although naturally we do find about more about her as the story progresses. I suppose the main idea to me is that, it is aimed towards challenging ways of thinking between someone who is considered sane (psychiatrist) and someone who is considered insane (Phoebe) and perhaps to find that there isn't exactly a good guy, or a bad guy but just different ways of thinking and processing information. (Does that make sense and/or answer your question? )

I honestly never considered adding the government into the equation and I think the reason for that is because while yes Phoebe would be a main focus as a protagonist and with all that she is able to accomplish with psychiatrists going bonkers, the government would be adding too much attention so to speak that her role might become much more overpowered than I originally intended. It would in a sense make it so 'all eyes are on her' when really, I would just like the mental institutions' attention/ the ones who are really professionals in judging the levels of her sanity. So I guess in conclusion, I would prefer to keep Phoebe away from government and away from headlines and more of an institutional secret of a patient they have lost control of.

I have never heard of Dystopia but I can assure you it has nothing to do with technology or robotics xD. Phoebe is a normal human being who has probably just gone through a lot to become the way she is. She was also admitted into this life by her own family, so she was not born mental or gifted in any way. Rather as time passed, she changed on her own to the shock of everyone and the why is exactly what the psychiatrists are trying to find out or at least, supposed to be trying to find out.

I hope that answers your questions sufficiently? ^^;; If not, I'd be more than happy to answer any more questions to clarify the story.

[AshenhartKrie]

I could not be bothered to read all of that, but anyway.
This isn't for a VN, but I'm taking advantage of this thread. I'm seriously touchy about people stealing my ideas, so COPYRIGHTED PEOPLES!
sorry.... I know no one here would steal it, it's just that it's happened before from someone I trust. -ahem-.
This is the summary, and then a short example. It's heavily based on Norse mythology, but it's also set in a world of my own inventions.

The Erta is divided in two by the Crysalline, a massive chain of crystal mountains that encircles the globe, running from the Northern Glaciers down to the Southern Tundras and all the way back up again. Two countries, aware of each other, but never having met, dwell one side each. The Moonside is the home of the tall, barbaric Ymir, they of the silver hair and icy eyes, who abide by scrict laws and customs. They are a violent race, prone to wars. The Asrins live on the Sunside, and are a slim, artistic people who live in eternal summer and worship the Light. A young monk by the name of Arrawn have a dream in the Chamber of Solitude, the Eternal Light of that monastery snuffed out. Intrigued by this vision, the young boy leaves the monastery, determined to make his way to the two mountains of each Pole, and to do so, he is willing to brave the dreaded Crysalline. On the other side of the world, a battle hardened warrior has the same dream after suffering an almost fatal wound. Jhorm, a man who's only kin was slain in battle defending him, is a broken man. His honour in his own eyes has been lost and he is determined to redeem himself. The only way to do that is to sacrifice himself. And to do that, he too, must journey across the Crysalline.
But the mountain range is far more deadly and mysterious than people think. Plagues by eletrical storms, it is the home of a shadowy wraith, always hiding just out of reach. It has been called many names, by both peoples, but its true nature is far darker than anyone would ever know. Released accidentally by Arrawn and Jhorm (who are fated to meet), it sends the Erta into darkness. (That leads on to the second book, The Crystal War, which I haven't really plotted out yet.)

And now that you've read a ncie lengthy summary, have an example of the writing.

Snow fell heavily outside. The moon, already at it's zenith, was waxing, its bright yellow light saturating the countryside. Within a small hut, an old woman held a rag to the burning forehead of a man, who although battle hardened and strong, was at this moment nothing but a child, yearning for something lost. Within his mind he fought a battle far more vicious and frightening than any he had ever experience in the tangibilty of reality (is tangibilty even a word?). His own mind was fighting itself.
And then suddenly, the world spun around him, and Jhorm was standing before an altar fashioned from permafrost and bones.
And Jhorm knew what he must do.

So, what do you think? It's the biggest story I've ever planned, and it's the only one I am determined to finish.

[elhlyn]

hmm well, if we filter out all the details, it's basically this world which a giant crystal mountain divides regional kingdoms aware of their existence but nothing more. we have 1 kingdom filled with silver haired people, almost always in constant war yet all of them are law-abidding, and full of custom, much like a Samurai. and the other nation is much like Vennice (not Italy in whole) where its full of artistic Commerce.

The idea of the Moon and sun correlation is rather common, however, there is a good reason why its common (okay well mostly bad but hey,) its because a lot of real nations do use the sun and moon for a lot of religious and cultural things. I'm not saying that you change the 2 countries' name and style, just be careful around this kind of topic.

for the 2 stated characters, a fallen warrior (I think?) and a young boy. well, out of curiousity, what are their hobbies? like is there any humanistic things about them so to speak? (Maybe i wasn't paying attention

for example, In my story, one of the characters in my story is Oda Nobunaga (well Nobunaga is his first name keep in mind) His mother rejected him (she hated him) and he had to kill his own brother when his brother tried to rally an army against him. He had burned down a sacred mountain, killing many civilians just to burn out a religious sect troubling him. But all asides from that, He loves Western clothing and culture, as well as he loves theater in both Japan (Noh and Kabuki) and European theater

The thing is that I'm not really getting much personality depth with the characters you stated. I mean sure, this warrior character is broken and has ambition to restore his honor, at least give him some sort of niche or something. unless that is that's how that character in your story grows?

[AshenhartKrie]

You were spot on in your last sentence. He grows (again, since he's gone from nature to a child to mature again I'm a horrible person Why did I kill his brother... ).
The names are temporary. The names are meant to be in Norwegian, but I forget which is which and I can't be bothered to google it at the moment.
The one thing I have issues with is fleshing out characters. I can get a personality.... but hobbies and stuff aren't my style.
Jhorm does have a penchant for fine clothes, and in the second book his descendants are merchants. He also was very protective of his younger brother Jhorg (gosh I'm so creative with names.), who actually takes the blow that was meant for Jhorm. That of course, pretty much destroys Jhorm and he is having to deal with his own grief.
Arrawn on the other hand, having been raised in a monastery, knows only studies and prayers, so I suppose you could say his hobby is religion. He is naive and knows nothing of the outside world, but is eager to learn. That's such a cliche D:

[elhlyn]

okay first of all I don't think its cliche that your monastery boy's niche is cliche, rather it mostly kinda has to be that way in a sense, its excused if you will. Perhaps Arrawn could be (its my opinion) rather uncomfortable about things outside of the monastery even though he is interested in them so to speak. like he would say that he' love to know more about the outside (as in more in the town) but when he leaves and do experience the goodness in the outside world, but probably break his innocence so to speak seeing the darker side. now I'm not saying that what he experience is Traumatic (I.e Rape/murder/Taxes) but maybe he starts to see more of the "evil" of people. perhaps throughout the story he starts to lose faith but then matures to, well, accept the bad things in this world

[AshenhartKrie]

okay first of all I don't think its cliche that your monastery boy's niche is cliche, rather it mostly kinda has to be that way in a sense, its excused if you will. Perhaps Arrawn could be (its my opinion) rather uncomfortable about things outside of the monastery even though he is interested in them so to speak. like he would say that he' love to know more about the outside (as in more in the town) but when he leaves and do experience the goodness in the outside world, but probably break his innocence so to speak seeing the darker side. now I'm not saying that what he experience is Traumatic (I.e Rape/murder/Taxes) but maybe he starts to see more of the "evil" of people. perhaps throughout the story he starts to lose faith but then matures to, well, accept the bad things in this world

You have unwittingly given me a horrible idea.
(I'm very sadistic to my characters. OTL).
I had thought that, however, the majority of the story, while having scenes set in both countries, takes place amongst the Crysalline, with both characters fighting to maintain their sanity against the Wraith, whlie enduring the harsh climate to reach their goal. Although it is somewhat about maturing, it is more to do with the acceptance (so in a way your suggestion fits), and well the origins of where we come from, and two people's search for answers.

[elhlyn]

good good,