Magical Boutique II [MB1 spoilers!]

[monele]

"wonder if that's a familiar or some such?"
Kitty says "Naa!"
Which you can interpret however you want o_O

"Bishie or not Bishie.....tough call"
The boys are all sad and sniffly now ^^;

== EDIT ==

Geh... I'm rewriting some of the old scenes meant for the old concept of MB2 and it hurts having to remove all the Dalmaryon narrative thoughts o_o... And it doesn't really work well having him "think" for 4 or 5 screens of bracketed text...
So I wonder... would it be really bad if Dalmaryon centric scenes had narrative thoughts, while worker centric scenes only used narration for descriptions and showed thoughts rarely, and only through bracketed text in bubbles?
The thing is that Dalma is still the main character and his appreciation of things should be put forward... but I still want (need o_o) some scenes to be shown without Dalma being here. Though... maybe it could be implied that he's describing how it happens as if telling the story in the present tense?

[Otaku Dash]

"wonder if that's a familiar or some such?"
Kitty says "Naa!"
Which you can interpret however you want o_O

"Bishie or not Bishie.....tough call"
The boys are all sad and sniffly now ^^;

== EDIT ==

Geh... I'm rewriting some of the old scenes meant for the old concept of MB2 and it hurts having to remove all the Dalmaryon narrative thoughts o_o... And it doesn't really work well having him "think" for 4 or 5 screens of bracketed text...
So I wonder... would it be really bad if Dalmaryon centric scenes had narrative thoughts, while worker centric scenes only used narration for descriptions and showed thoughts rarely, and only through bracketed text in bubbles?
The thing is that Dalma is still the main character and his appreciation of things should be put forward... but I still want (need o_o) some scenes to be shown without Dalma being here. Though... maybe it could be implied that he's describing how it happens as if telling the story in the present tense?

WOOT GO MONELE! KEEP THAT WORKING SPREE!!

Oh the opinion side.. having a chara being the Main chara and Narrator can work. It has already been done.. even in multipath VN's where the main Chara is teh narrator withought the player knowing and in the end he ends saying "So me and "girl X" ended up toguether working in "Something related to girl X"." blah blah... it's also a very interesting point to pick but I dunno if it would suit your narration style

[monele]

Time for videos

http://monele.eviscerate.net/mb2_frambforestscene.avi (2.54mb)
http://monele.eviscerate.net/mb2_restaurant.avi (1.55mb)
http://monele.eviscerate.net/mb2_hanas.avi (5.89mb)

(renewed thanks to Jake for lending some hosting space ^^)

Forest scene : Uses 3rd person narration and has a few character thoughts displayed in bubbles. Also has group dialogue.
Notes : during the group dialogue, middle is Dalmaryon, right is Pom. Only placeholders for now ^^;...

Restaurant scene : first line should be "Dalmaryon enters..." (sorry). This is an example of an old scene remade for 3rd narration, moving inner thoughts in bubbles. My opinion is that using bubbles demands shorter thoughts (as well as speech actually) which doesn't leave much place for lengthy descriptions :/... You tell me if it's a good or a bad thing (I have no idea wether I'm better at short dialogues or at inner thoughts/descriptions).

Hanas : Old scene unchanged, except Dalmaryon is displayed on screen for dialogues. 1st person narration + inner thoughts.

As I said before, the first part of the forest scene will be mandatory. There *will* be scenes not seen by Dalmaryon... and I'm pretty sure having 1st person narration while switching characters will be dizzying. So 3rd person narration feels right for that part. And since other characters are not the main character and should hold more surprises, short inner thoughts in bubbles looks fine.

The question is... would it be weird to mix the forest scene type to the Hanas scene? Well, here's the occasion to tell me what you liked and didn't like (about everything! Portraits, narration, dialogues, expressions, pacing, etc...).

[vlint]

I think the kitten is a nice touch. It's unusually small size makes it seem cool for some reason.

Geh... I'm rewriting some of the old scenes meant for the old concept of MB2 and it hurts having to remove all the Dalmaryon narrative thoughts o_o... And it doesn't really work well having him "think" for 4 or 5 screens of bracketed text...
So I wonder... would it be really bad if Dalmaryon centric scenes had narrative thoughts, while worker centric scenes only used narration for descriptions and showed thoughts rarely, and only through bracketed text in bubbles?
The thing is that Dalma is still the main character and his appreciation of things should be put forward... but I still want (need o_o) some scenes to be shown without Dalma being here. Though... maybe it could be implied that he's describing how it happens as if telling the story in the present tense?

Hmm, on the point of view, I might suggest taking some tips from what is commonly done in regular novels. Instead of choosing between a first and third person (with thoughts in the first person and none in the third), you could always do a third person POV with a focus character in each scene. The focus character is the one whose thoughts, views, and insights the reader gets to see (while not peeking into the minds of others directly). I'm sure there are ways to make it work, though I haven't seen it done in a visual novel yet, so I might not know the best way to implement it myself, yet. Many fantasy writers do this, at least, and it's my favorite fashion in normal novels, so far. For some examples, try looking at a Terry Brooks book; he doesn't generally give their thoughts directly, though, like some authors do (although what you see is generally adapted for the focus character). It seems like most authors do, but I can't say for sure. Some writers make it rather ambiguous as to whether they are using an omniscient POV or the more traditional third person focusing on a single character's viewpoint. It sounds like the third person you were talking about before was the omniscient sort.

Points of view are interesting. You have a lot of potential elements to consider here. The person (i.e. I, he, etc.), narration (the character telling the story; it seems this would be generally first person), thoughts of the focus character (i.e. outside of the narration and in the actual story), and the other characters whose thoughts you guess at by what they do/say and their expressions. I think you'll do a good job with it.

On to other topics—

I watched the videos. I like the backgrounds and the art. The new expressions are quite interesting.

The pacing of dialog is quite different. It was a lot faster. I like the group dialog. I'm not sure if I prefer the shorter text as it is all the time (maybe more for the more intense parts); it's hard to tell without the music, but I know I had no qualms with how it was before. I hope the relaxing feel from the first one doesn't entirely go, though, due to a change in pace (unless you're wanting to revamp the style for more diversity from VN to VN; this isn't necessarily bad, though, methinks).

The girls in the other shop had quite interesting personalities, though the older (?) one seemed quite undisguisedly forward about her intentions. I don't know that I've met a lot of people like that; I suppose they might exist, though. Actually, I bet they do.

I actually liked the narration, how Dalmaryon would comment on things as the story progressed (although I don't know if I think the narration, at least, should be in bubbles). Even if you did a third person for everything else, I think it's fine keeping this in first person.

[Jake]

The question is... would it be weird to mix the forest scene type to the Hanas scene?

Well, put it this way - I just watched through all those and none of it struck me as having an obviously different narration style at the time. I think it works fine.

[musical74]

*Agrees with Jake on style*

Oh, yeah, before I forget...

*gives monele a big cup of chicken noodle soup and extra vitamin c* So you can KEEP that cold away!

[Otaku Dash]

The question is... would it be weird to mix the forest scene type to the Hanas scene?

Well, put it this way - I just watched through all those and none of it struck me as having an obviously different narration style at the time. I think it works fine.

I think so too.. it worker rather nicely.. it fits that example I gave you before.. so in turn feels liek Dalma might be the narrator but he may or not be.. so it give an interesting twist at storytelling.

God I'm guetting hyper up on this!!! :3 I just lvoed the videos.. and the expression even the undifined ones look so adorable and well amde that considering dalma with those looks cool in itself O_O (at least IMO.. but you can always draw him like I meantion before for chara bonding ). GAMBATTE MONELE!!! CHEERING FOR YOU!! *Waves flags*

[monele]

"you could always do a third person POV with a focus character in each scene. The focus character is the one whose thoughts, views, and insights the reader gets to see"
How would it go in a novel? <<"Writing a novel is difficult" he thought...>> ?

"try looking at a Terry Brooks book"
*has no idea who this is* ^^;... *and doesn't usually read full english litterature*;....... *doesn't read books >.>...*

There's one thing that I think might be important (and differs from MB1) : it's not in NVL mode anymore ^^;...

"WOOT GO MONELE! KEEP THAT WORKING SPREE!!"
YOOOSHHH! MOERO BURRRRNING! >A<!!
... uff, puff @_@

"even in multipath VN's where the main Chara is teh narrator withought the player knowing"
Not sure if it's what you meant but I don't particularly want the narrator's identity to be a secret. Dalma is clearly the main chara and the player's avatar to some extent. Just like the Prince of Persia is your avatar, yet he's clearly *not* you àla Anonymous Hentai Guy .

"I watched the videos. I like the backgrounds and the art. The new expressions are quite interesting."
Thanks ^_^. I'm glad it works

"The pacing of dialog is quite different. It was a lot faster."
Mmm... Going from NVL to regular VN usually means there will be less descriptions (at least usually?)... Here, since we go from NVL to comics bubbles, I'm not really surprised it seems like it's fast. I can't have 10 lines in a bubble ... so things will be shorter and more to the point... Since I have portraits, I'm also using them to show a lot of things as visual expressions. Let's summarize : it's not MB1 when it comes to the writing style ^^;...

I hope the relaxing feel from the first one doesn't entirely go, though, due to a change in pace (unless you're wanting to revamp the style for more diversity from VN to VN;

Mmm... There will be less descriptions... it will probably be more dynamic (faces, frames moving around) and since it's not all taking place in the shop, there *will* be more action. I do want to have the regular "everyday life" scenes because they're fun, but I can't say there'll only be those ^^;

hough the older (?) one seemed quite undisguisedly forward about her intentions. I don't know that I've met a lot of people like that; I suppose they might exist, though. Actually, I bet they do.

They *have* to exist ^^. People that just speak their mind

I actually liked the narration, how Dalmaryon would comment on things as the story progressed (although I don't know if I think the narration, at least, should be in bubbles).

You liked the narration in MB1 or this time around? (Dalma commented in MB1 and here too so...). Narration won't be in bubbles, it's now decided ^^. Dialogues in bubbles, very short thoughts in bubbles... everything else in subtitles.

Well, put it this way - I just watched through all those and none of it struck me as having an obviously different narration style at the time.

*Agrees with Jake on style*

I think so too.. it worker rather nicely..

I couldn't be more surprised o_O... Well okay then, if it works naturally, I'll keep doing things that way ^^. If it feels right... then it must be . Thanks for all these opinions

*gives monele a big cup of chicken noodle soup and extra vitamin c* So you can KEEP that cold away!

Eheh ^^;... I'm really getting a whole get-better commity eh? . Well I'm fine ^^, no more cold. I've taken a shot against flu today too, so I hope I'll be fine this winter

"God I'm guetting hyper up on this!!! :3"
Me too :3

I just lvoed the videos.. and the expression even the undifined ones look so adorable and well amde that considering dalma with those looks cool in itself O_O (at least IMO.. but you can always draw him like I meantion before for chara bonding )

Oh he *will* be drawn ^^. It'll be a challenge to make him fit everyone's vision of him though @_@;... I kinda have an idea already and I hope it'll please everyone (it's so important to get a protagonist right... especially a previously invisible one ^^;...)

"GAMBATTE MONELE!!! CHEERING FOR YOU!! *Waves flags*"
Yoroshiku onegaishimasu ^_^ (not sure if it's totally appropriate but eh )

And I colored this today ^^

[Otaku Dash]

KAWAIIIIIII!!! *nosebleed* She's too cute for words... (why do I have a thing about females in black dresses... and teh cat is to die for too XD).

[musical74]

Re Terry Brooks: He's a fictional author specializing in fantasy.

*REALLY thinks that the kitty's a familiar now...normal cats don't do that, right?*

Great pic...she kinda looks like a witch <a very cute witch at at!> with the black dress, the collar on her neck and the cat on her shoulder...

[Jake]

Re Terry Brooks: He's a fictional author

Like Richard Bachman?

*ducks*

[musical74]

*throws dreaded FOAM ROCK at Jake only to watch it fall well short...they just don't make foam rocks like they used to...* geeez I WALKED into that one LOL

OK let's try this...

Terry Brooks is an author that specializies in fantasy and life in other worlds (that have dragons, magic, etc)

[monele]

Terry Brooks is an author that specializies in fantasy and life in other worlds (that have dragons, magic, etc)

I gave a look at the website. That's the guy who made a Lord of the Rings "copy" and then went on to create his own stuff hm? Seems like he has a humoristic series too ^^.

[Otaku Dash]

Wow... that's er... mmm... a very diferent emily And the cat isn't in a good mood either... I guess it goes "Nya" when nobody is near the mistress ^^;

*scratches cheek* I dunno.. but I have a fondness for "cute" Emily.. see seems so... I dunno... i just... OH GOD EMILY MARRY ME!!! T_T *gets on knees and sobs* She's just too cute.. and the cat helps too... (ya know those poeple girls you want to kiss them all over because they look so cute.. kinda what this is doing to me T_T XD).

Question: Is she going to change between these "modes".. aka... pretend or not to be cute when she's a sexy... devlish like witch or something?

[monele]

Question: Is she going to change between these "modes".. aka... pretend or not to be cute when she's a sexy... devlish like witch or something?

Something like that yeah ^^