Love Evolution 1.0 (Need betatester, this is full game)

[hoshiworld]

I make a first game, please test it. This is for all desktop platform.
I want some beta testers and critics
This is just ordinary visual novel. You can choose one from three girls, or life alone.

Download link:
http://www.mediafire.com/?xu4d89eub6xzqot

[Kato]

I actually have some rare free time on my hands so I'll get my notepad out and give it a crack

[hoshiworld]

I actually have some rare free time on my hands so I'll get my notepad out and give it a crack

Thanks for commenting! You're busy, right? Thank you for spent your time in this thread. What do you mean of "crack"? Software?

[Kato]

I meant I would give critiquing it a shot, haha.

Anyway, I played through one route which looks like it more or less gave me a good sense of the whole story. It was a nice and cute, and a good shot at a first novel. I didn't find any bugs (for a first novel, well done) in the coding which basically leaves all the critiquing in the actually story and the writing itself, so here we go...

The whole flow of the story moved extremely quickly. Not just the writing but the plot too.

One day you date a girl you just meet and the next day she asks you to marry her...

Moving the story that quickly is always going to disorient the reader as the pace is completely unnatural. Since it's your first novel and you wanted to get from point A to point B quickly I can understand you did this to make the story very short but it never turns out well if thats the case. Perhaps a better way to go about it would have been point A to point B, where B is the beginning of the relationship, rather than

rounding everything off by jumping into the marriage phase and skipping all the dating that would have occurred in between.

In regards to the writing though, overlooking the grammatical errors, you moved that along far too quickly too. By skipping the boring stuff (descriptions, monologue, etc) you disorientate the reader once again and combined with an unnatural paced plot, it's hard to emphasis with the MC.

To show what I mean, I've done something a little unorthodox and rewrote the path I took, from beginning to end, but made it more descriptive and included monologue. Although, since the plot moved quickly it's still a little disorientation, you'll see what I mean when I said the boring stuff matters: http://puu.sh/2R8gg.txt (no = Noel, ni = Nina and ca = Carol. The blank lines and Noel's monologue)

Still though, it was very cute and you finished a working version of it which many people fail to do on their first attempt so congratulations. I look forward to seeing any updates that come along with this.

[hoshiworld]

I meant I would give critiquing it a shot, haha.

Anyway, I played through one route which looks like it more or less gave me a good sense of the whole story. It was a nice and cute, and a good shot at a first novel. I didn't find any bugs (for a first novel, well done) in the coding which basically leaves all the critiquing in the actually story and the writing itself, so here we go...

The whole flow of the story moved extremely quickly. Not just the writing but the plot too.

One day you date a girl you just meet and the next day she asks you to marry her...

Moving the story that quickly is always going to disorient the reader as the pace is completely unnatural. Since it's your first novel and you wanted to get from point A to point B quickly I can understand you did this to make the story very short but it never turns out well if thats the case. Perhaps a better way to go about it would have been point A to point B, where B is the beginning of the relationship, rather than

rounding everything off by jumping into the marriage phase and skipping all the dating that would have occurred in between.

In regards to the writing though, overlooking the grammatical errors, you moved that along far too quickly too. By skipping the boring stuff (descriptions, monologue, etc) you disorientate the reader once again and combined with an unnatural paced plot, it's hard to emphasis with the MC.

To show what I mean, I've done something a little unorthodox and rewrote the path I took, from beginning to end, but made it more descriptive and included monologue. Although, since the plot moved quickly it's still a little disorientation, you'll see what I mean when I said the boring stuff matters: http://puu.sh/2R8gg.txt (no = Noel, ni = Nina and ca = Carol. The blank lines and Noel's monologue)

Still though, it was very cute and you finished a working version of it which many people fail to do on their first attempt so congratulations. I look forward to seeing any updates that come along with this.

Thanks for the comment! I wrote this story in a hurry before graduate test . For the critic, thank you very much! I will write better story. This story is wrote without plans ... I am just 6th grade elementary school student, who make a visual novel just for fun. I also feel this is unnatural, only Carol and Rahae who had the dating, Rahae is dating with Carol. Actually, I am not an English person, I am an Indonesian person. Thanks! I want to try to make simple quiz game, the game is just a mixed lesson from mathematics, science and general knowledge.

I want to make the Kinetic Novel based of your revision. However, you write it more better than I write.