I started coming up with an idea for a VN that I'd like to see created one day eventually. Unfortunately, since I'm not very good at coding or art, I may just search around to see if anyone is interested in my idea and would like to help me create it. Anyways, I've attached a very small portion of what I've been working on-it has the summary of the VN (currently unnamed), descriptions of the main characters, and a tiny bit of a scene.
I haven't written very much since I take so long before I'm fully satisfied with what I have put down, but if I could get any critique I would really appreciate! Anything ideas or suggestions for improvement would be perfect
Thank you all in advance!
-Mimrose
EDIT: I uploaded the wrong version, whoops! x-x There isn't much of a difference, just that the second version has a bit more of scene in it. Here is the updated file:
I would play it. The plot looks good, the characters seem well-fleshed out. I think if you took some time to learn Ren'Py, you could probably code this game mostly by yourself, just receiving some aid with any more complicated stuff you wanted to do with it (Ren'Py is actually a lot easier to learn than it seems).
The only critique I have is in the Prologue - I could cut the parts where she flat out says, I'm an orphan and My parents were killed. You paint the picture well enough in the rest of the Prologue that the reader can figure that out on their own without you having to flatly say it, which kinda breaks the immersion.
The best reason to get up in the morning is to outdo yourself: to do it better than you've ever done it before. But if you haven't done it better by nightfall... look at your globe and pick a spot: it's always morning somewhere.
Gear wrote:I would play it. The plot looks good, the characters seem well-fleshed out. I think if you took some time to learn Ren'Py, you could probably code this game mostly by yourself, just receiving some aid with any more complicated stuff you wanted to do with it (Ren'Py is actually a lot easier to learn than it seems).
The only critique I have is in the Prologue - I could cut the parts where she flat out says, I'm an orphan and My parents were killed. You paint the picture well enough in the rest of the Prologue that the reader can figure that out on their own without you having to flatly say it, which kinda breaks the immersion.
Thank you for taking the time to read it! You make a good point about the prologue, I guess I didn't see it that way when I was writing it. I'll definitely take a second look at Ren'Py, thanks!
The dialogue is well written. I could easily snatch the character's personality, and would love to continue reading. Seems like a promosing story to me
I agree with Gear. There's not much of a need for her to say "I'm an orphan and my parents were killed".
Oh, you add a gameplay system since it seems there are choices which influences the continuation of the story. Moreover, it's a interesting start. I wish you good luck.
Last edited by spicaduciel on Fri May 17, 2013 2:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Miki's Character description says she begins to have strange visions and dreams since her seventeenth Birthday — is there a reason behind why it begins on her Birthday (and this one in particular)?
If not, why does it have to start on her seventeenth Birthday? She could always been having these dreams and visions frequently for ten years, which makes her determined to solve the mystery. — This is a mystery story, right?
Of course, I'm just giving you some thoughts about it. I think the story is great either way.
Melancholy wrote:Miki's Character description says she begins to have strange visions and dreams since her seventeenth Birthday — is there a reason behind why it begins on her Birthday (and this one in particular)?
If not, why does it have to start on her seventeenth Birthday? She could always been having these dreams and visions frequently for ten years, which makes her determined to solve the mystery. — This is a mystery story, right?
Of course, I'm just giving you some thoughts about it. I think the story is great either way.
Yes, there is a particular reason why it doesn't start until her 17th birthday, and I have made plans to address it / explain it in the large scheme of things. Unfortunately, it wasn't part of the short blurb I attached, but thanks for pointing that out to me!
Although there is a mystery component to it, I place it more in the category of adventure/romance. It won't be a VN that's heavily focused on searching for clues and stuff, more like finding out and piecing everything together through talking with the other characters and seeing her visions.
Thanks for your comments! I'll be sure to keep those in mind as I continue to write
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