Would like feeback for "The Lover's Mountain"

[Fenrir34]

Hi . This is the demo of an upcoming game I'm making. It's basically the prologue part of the game. Here's the plot

Plot-In old tales, it is said that the Mountain Ahara is a place were lovers go to confess, or make a wish for there love to come true, and if they do it when the moon is full then their love will be everlasting. Not one to believe in such tales, Sen Akagi would much rather spend her time writing and playing video games rather then fall into the common trend of getting a boyfriend. But writing is never easy, especially when you're writing about something you're not experienced with. When realizing her story is plain in the romance department, Sen decides to go to Mount Ahara and make a wish that she will somehow experience love even if it's only temporarily. But love is never easy or simple, even when making a wish, and sometimes it can turn out to make life very complicated


Please give me you're feedback on the characters, story, writing, and coding. I would really appreciate it .
Here's the link for the game. It's on all platforms

http://www.4shared.com/folder/ZASKOBaT/_online.html

and here's the alternate link
http://www.mediafire.com/download/x6ymg ... .0-all.zip


Also please note that the demo is the whole prologue. It basically introduces what's going on.


If you want more information and pics come to this forum on lemmasoft
http://lemmasoft.renai.us/forums/viewto ... 19#p289419

[Didules]

Hi there! I've just finished the demo a few minutes ago
Plot:
- The plot seems simple and efficient, it's explained rather simply too, that's quite nice, it doesn't feel too rushed although it's not really an original way of explaining the tale (at the beginning for instance) but that's my taste, not really a critisism or anything so don't change anything
- I don't have many things to tell since it's so simple, it looks like a lot of Slife game in Japanese high-school ^^
Characters:
- Sen is a nice character ("I don't need a guy", yep, that's good), the others are a bit cliché for now, but I don't know what might happen in the full game so let's put this aside.
- It's nice that there are many characters and many girls too, because sometimes I don't know why but in GxB games apart from the MC you only have guys and that's the same in BxG (many girls for 1 boy on Earth), so it was nice to see so many characters and that they already knew each others before the beginning of the game.
Writing:
- Please try to find a proofreader, there are many typo and parts when it doesn't feel "good" to read (I have some of them written if you want, but try to get an english proofreader)
- The style is efficient, nice and easy to read, the flow is good.
Coding:
- Why put the dialogues in BLUE? It's not easier to read than when it was in white or anything, so personnal tastes?
-I guess that's my taste again but I would use more transitions between the characters' expression changes, and when they appear at the screen ^^
- When Sen turns around to see Seiji the first time, you could make Rin disappear with a "moveoutleft" and Seiji come with a "moveinright" to get the "I turn around"-aspect, but again, that's just an idea ^^;
Don't know where to pu it:
It was at the "Akane + Seiji" part, she was switching faces (expressions) too fast and I didn't understood her feelings anymore, was she sad? Okay? Surprised? @.@"

Apart from that good choice for the musics and the backgrounds, they're nice and fit the mood!
As for now that's everything I have to say, if I remember anything else I'll edit my post
Good luck with your game!

EDIT: I knew I forgot something: at the end of the demo there is something strange, a few lines are repeted several times (the last ones) it's not important since it's just a demo but make sure that this bug is gone when you make the full game!

[BroAesthetic]

Hey there. I want to try your demo, but I don't want to make an account on some site just to download it. Consider using a different service so that people can just download it without having to sign up for anything. You'll get more players that way.

Also going off of Didules' comment about needing a proofreader, I can help with that

[philip]

Ditto to the preceding comment by BroAesthetic. I click through four pages and am then told that I have to register before I can do the download. Forget it - unless you can provide an easier way to down load, I won't be looking the your story!

[Fenrir34]

Hi there! I've just finished the demo a few minutes ago
Plot:
- The plot seems simple and efficient, it's explained rather simply too, that's quite nice, it doesn't feel too rushed although it's not really an original way of explaining the tale (at the beginning for instance) but that's my taste, not really a critisism or anything so don't change anything
- I don't have many things to tell since it's so simple, it looks like a lot of Slife game in Japanese high-school ^^
Characters:
- Sen is a nice character ("I don't need a guy", yep, that's good), the others are a bit cliché for now, but I don't know what might happen in the full game so let's put this aside.
- It's nice that there are many characters and many girls too, because sometimes I don't know why but in GxB games apart from the MC you only have guys and that's the same in BxG (many girls for 1 boy on Earth), so it was nice to see so many characters and that they already knew each others before the beginning of the game.
Writing:
- Please try to find a proofreader, there are many typo and parts when it doesn't feel "good" to read (I have some of them written if you want, but try to get an english proofreader)
- The style is efficient, nice and easy to read, the flow is good.
Coding:
- Why put the dialogues in BLUE? It's not easier to read than when it was in white or anything, so personnal tastes?
-I guess that's my taste again but I would use more transitions between the characters' expression changes, and when they appear at the screen ^^
- When Sen turns around to see Seiji the first time, you could make Rin disappear with a "moveoutleft" and Seiji come with a "moveinright" to get the "I turn around"-aspect, but again, that's just an idea ^^;
Don't know where to pu it:
It was at the "Akane + Seiji" part, she was switching faces (expressions) too fast and I didn't understood her feelings anymore, was she sad? Okay? Surprised? @.@"

Apart from that good choice for the musics and the backgrounds, they're nice and fit the mood!
As for now that's everything I have to say, if I remember anything else I'll edit my post
Good luck with your game!

EDIT: I knew I forgot something: at the end of the demo there is something strange, a few lines are repeted several times (the last ones) it's not important since it's just a demo but make sure that this bug is gone when you make the full game!

Thanks for the feedback. I know the prologue needs some editing and even when I re-read it I must've missed a lot of words I misspelled or misused. As for the characters well I'm really glad you liked Sen. Always hard to write a good main character. A little sad that the others are cliche...I really want them to be unique but i don't know what way to go about that

As for the transition and facial expressions, I'll go over all those again.

I'm glad you liked the flow of my writing but I'm sorry if it was a little to simple when I explained the whole mountain thing. In another game, the explanation is rather difficult to understand so when I did this game I wanted to make it more simple.

And I always like adding some female characters. Makes it feel a little more real don't you think? . Anyway thanks for the feedback and I'll work on it. Thanks again

[Fenrir34]

Hey there. I want to try your demo, but I don't want to make an account on some site just to download it. Consider using a different service so that people can just download it without having to sign up for anything. You'll get more players that way.

Also going off of Didules' comment about needing a proofreader, I can help with that

I don't think you need to sign up on that site. When i asked my sister to download it she could do it without signing in. I'll try right now and if I can't download it without signing I'll try another site. And thanks. I might need a proofreader

[Fenrir34]

Ditto to the preceding comment by BroAesthetic. I click through four pages and am then told that I have to register before I can do the download. Forget it - unless you can provide an easier way to down load, I won't be looking the your story!

Okay. Sorry about that. He's an other link where you won't have to sign in.

http://www.mediafire.com/download/x6ymg ... .0-all.zip

[Fenrir34]

Hey there. I want to try your demo, but I don't want to make an account on some site just to download it. Consider using a different service so that people can just download it without having to sign up for anything. You'll get more players that way.

Also going off of Didules' comment about needing a proofreader, I can help with that

So sorry . Here you go

http://www.mediafire.com/download/x6ymg ... .0-all.zip

[BroAesthetic]

I finished it in about 15 minutes. Here are my thoughts.

- I think the music is great. My favorite tune was the one that plays after Sen talks to the tutor about her novel. But then again I'm a sucker for music-box tunes so...
- The idea of the mountain wish is pretty cool. I like how there's a chance of failure and an air of ambiguity, so it's not all perfect (which would be boring).
- The art is good. Nothing crazy here. It "works".
- The writing is good. There were a few typos, but nothing major. Once again, it "works".
- I feel like way too much attention is given to the tutor in comparison the jock and library nerd. The tutor has an unfair advantage in that he's the only love interest to actually see something intimate about Sen: her novel and her family. I would bet that most players would pick him over the other two. This is my biggest issue with the demo.
- The blue dialogue text is somewhat distracting for me. I feel like you should change it to white and use quotation marks to indicate that a character is speaking. To compensate, you should assign colors for character names.

That's about it. Good stuff though, keep it up.

[philip]

@fenrir34-

Downloaded the demo and went through it; very enjoyable.. I just sent you a PM with corrections to the typos that I saw; please let me know if you received it. Hope it will be helpful to you.

philip

[Fenrir34]

I finished it in about 15 minutes. Here are my thoughts.

- I think the music is great. My favorite tune was the one that plays after Sen talks to the tutor about her novel. But then again I'm a sucker for music-box tunes so...
- The idea of the mountain wish is pretty cool. I like how there's a chance of failure and an air of ambiguity, so it's not all perfect (which would be boring).
- The art is good. Nothing crazy here. It "works".
- The writing is good. There were a few typos, but nothing major. Once again, it "works".
- I feel like way too much attention is given to the tutor in comparison the jock and library nerd. The tutor has an unfair advantage in that he's the only love interest to actually see something intimate about Sen: her novel and her family. I would bet that most players would pick him over the other two. This is my biggest issue with the demo.
- The blue dialogue text is somewhat distracting for me. I feel like you should change it to white and use quotation marks to indicate that a character is speaking. To compensate, you should assign colors for character names.

That's about it. Good stuff though, keep it up.

Thanks for the tips. Phillip gave me some examples of the typoes so I'm going to go back and fix them. And you really think that way about Hisoka?

I didn't think that it would be so bad but you have a point. He does have a rather emotional scene with her and the others don't. I think I'll change that a bit. Thanks

[Fenrir34]

@fenrir34-

Downloaded the demo and went through it; very enjoyable.. I just sent you a PM with corrections to the typos that I saw; please let me know if you received it. Hope it will be helpful to you.

philip

Thank you for the email. It's going to help a lot. And thanks for playing

[philip]

@fenrir34

It's been ten months since you posted to this thread. Are you continuing to work toward completion of this story, or is it just going to wither away? It would be a shame, the demo was very well done.

philip

[Fenrir34]

@fenrir34

It's been ten months since you posted to this thread. Are you continuing to work toward completion of this story, or is it just going to wither away? It would be a shame, the demo was very well done.

philip

I won't lie, I've forgotten about this game a bit. Sorry about that. But no, I don't have plans to just let it die like I did with some others. I just haven't had time to really get back into it. I might be adding some new sprites, so it may take a while to update. I'm very grateful that you kept up with this though, and will do my best to work on it in the near future