Ravenwood Academy-Lover's Revolution(GXB,Otome,)Beta Version

[Fenrir34]

I've just finished the prologue of a game of mine, and I'd like some people to play it and tell me what they think. It's not near the finish stage but I'd like opinions on the beginning. Once the next two parts are done, I'll post them here to, to get feedback. When the paths are done, I'll get a proofreader. Anyway, thanks to those who to the time to play


Plot-High school sucks, especially if it's a place where popularity rules. Sick of seeing how many of her peers suffer because of this heinous hierarchy, Miraj makes it her life mission to create a special retreat that will help others make friends and find love. But her idea is repeatedly shot down by the all powerful school council and with this year being her final year at Ravenwood, she's desperate to take hold of her last chance to make her dream become a reality. One day she meets Shinji Inoue, a kindhearted and super cute member of the student council. Intrigued by her idea, Shinji offers her a spot by his side on the notoriously exclusive student board. Miraj eagerly excepts, hoping that this will give her a chance to make her class wide retreat a reality. But once on the council, Miraj's life becomes a living hell as she finds herself dealing with animosity from the other members. In trying to realize her wishes for the student body, Miraj discovers the dark secrets of the student council members, struggles to stay out of their line of fire, and is forced to face her fear of falling in love again after her last heart break.

Code: Select all

The game contains 829 dialogue blocks, containing 6,534 words and 33,346
characters, for an average of 7.9 words and 40 characters per block.

The game will take you about 30-60 minutes

Here's the link
http://www.mediafire.com/download/ktmzg ... .0-all.zip

Also, if you're interested in helping with the game. Com here

http://lemmasoft.renai.us/forums/viewto ... 38&t=25740

To know more and updates go here

http://lemmasoft.renai.us/forums/viewto ... 43&t=25739

or my friends blog

http://sleiphericwingsgames.blogspot.co ... ution.html

[sonorousgem]

Hello! I played your prologue I like it and I think it has a lot of potential. Here's some feedback as you requested~
- The first thing I saw was the black menu screen... hope you change that soon!
- Your sprites are fine. They fit well with the bgs and stuff.
- I didn't have any problems with your writing although there were a couple typos here and there (esp when she first meets Shinji).
- Miraj was surprisingly difficult to relate to (at least initially). I mean her efforts were admirable but I couldn't help but get the impression that she was overbearing. I really liked her friend and her bro though.
- I love the music. Where did you get it? While I'm not entirely sure how well it fits with your themes, I just really liked it haha.
- I didn't expect it to end there ;A; I was like, wait... what? But there are so many loopholes! XD oh well I know you're not done with it. Hope you implement choices soon too.

but this seems like a nice game I saw you have a recruitment thread... I'll pm you to see if I can be helpful somehow.

[Fenrir34]

Hello! I played your prologue I like it and I think it has a lot of potential. Here's some feedback as you requested~
- The first thing I saw was the black menu screen... hope you change that soon!
- Your sprites are fine. They fit well with the bgs and stuff.
- I didn't have any problems with your writing although there were a couple typos here and there (esp when she first meets Shinji).
- Miraj was surprisingly difficult to relate to (at least initially). I mean her efforts were admirable but I couldn't help but get the impression that she was overbearing. I really liked her friend and her bro though.
- I love the music. Where did you get it? While I'm not entirely sure how well it fits with your themes, I just really liked it haha.
- I didn't expect it to end there ;A; I was like, wait... what? But there are so many loopholes! XD oh well I know you're not done with it. Hope you implement choices soon too.

but this seems like a nice game I saw you have a recruitment thread... I'll pm you to see if I can be helpful somehow.

Thank you so much for the feedback. I'm glad you liked the sprites. I was worried about whether or not people wouldn't like them

Sorry about the typos. I did go back and check but I never got a beta reader, and the screen will change. I just wanted to see what people thought .

Miraj is getting edited at the moment. When I made her the first few times, she was much more bitter. I'm trying to make her into a good character.

As for the music, I found most of it in free places. If it's true to what you say and it doesn't fit, I'll have to change that when I can.

Thank you so much for trying this game out. I'll edit the things you said when I have more time

[xxstrangesoulxx]

Hey I tried to download this game again, but I couldn't get it to work. When I tried to unzip the game file I get an error message, just like last time. I don't understand. It really sucks because I really want to play this demo and give you some feedback.

And yes, I have windows.

[Fenrir34]

Hey I tried to download this game again, but I couldn't get it to work. When I tried to unzip the game file I get an error message, just like last time. I don't understand. It really sucks because I really want to play this demo and give you some feedback.

And yes, I have windows.

Sorry about that. If it didn't work again, please tell me

[xxstrangesoulxx]

First off, I liked it. I didn't expect it to end where it did. I was left wanting more :3


What I liked
-the music, handsdown. It has great music. If you decide to keep it and make a music gallery, I'll be very happy. But maybe you could change the music in some scenes like: where Ryoko is in the bathroom with Miraji. I think the music there should be a bit more serious.
-Hiroki and Shinji. I really liked them both. They make interesting characters and I'd love to see more of them once the game is done.
-the sprites and backgrounds were nice. And agree with what sonorousgem said, sprites and bg's fit well.


What I didn't like/a few things wrong
-the vibrating phone. Maybe it's just me, but yeah, I didn't like the vibrating sound effects so much. I think once or twice would be fine.
-A few typos. Your writing is good, but having a editor, proofread, beta reader or whatever you call it, will make your game even better.
-The scene where she meets Hikaru at the store. He just suddenly appears in swim trunks and then goes back to his regular clothes. I'm like "what?" xD

I feel bad for Miraji. People are so mean to her, omg. I like the relationship she has with her brother. I'm glad Miraji isn't that bitter. Like sonorousgem, I did have a bit of trouble relating to her at first, but once I got into the game more I kinda understand her better. Miraji is a good character. Maybe you could soften her personality just a little bit, but you don't have to. If she becomes more kinder towards the end, I think that leaving her like she is now will be good and it will show how much she has grown/matured through the game. I don't know.

I'd like a little information on why Ryoko lives with the siblings. I think people will wonder who she is why is with Miraji and Hiroki as she's not related to them. To be honest, I was wondering why she lives with them.

I'm not really good at this thing, but I hoped my feedback helped.

[destiny_921]

What I liked: I like the fact that Miraj is one of those proactive female protagonists, though she is quite rash and impulsive. Shinji is interesting, and I'm intrigued to see how Sakura plays a role in this whole thing seeing as she's the opposite of Hikaru. For Hikaru himself, I wonder if there's a reason to how he acts, and if so, what.

The sprites and backgrounds go well together, as well as the music.

What I disliked/Errors: The beginning was a bit confusing, though amusing at the same time. Transitions could be added to make the whole thing flow smoother.

Overall, it's quite good. But but but... the cliffhanger

You just had to leave it hanging.... Can't wait for the full game

These are typos/grammatical errors/all that jazz that I found. I think I didn't miss any..

Miyu said, "Don't you even care that you made a mockery of this school?!"

Ryoko: Don't, Miraj.

Slimely -> Slimy

Girl 2: U-um, Hikaru, my friends and I were wondering if you would eat lunch with us today...

OR "U-um, Hikaru, my friends and I were wondering... Would you eat lunch with us today?

Girl 1: It would be fun if you did.

He gave me a smile which I knew was mocking, and slowly came over.

Hikaru: I just thought you'd still be too embarrassed after making such a fool out of yourself.

Miraj: I mean, it's been what? Six months since I've tried getting this to work?!

I said nothing, and he left - heading back towards his little group of fan girls.

Also, I didn't get any special treatment in class besides being his sister.

In fact, sometimes, it felt like he was solely picking on me during class discussions.

Ryoko: Is it with the council again?

Ryoko: Why are you so into making this retreat happen, Miraj?

Teacher: That's it! You're coming with me to the headmaster's office right now!

He gave me a deathly stare, and at that moment, I knew that my life might finally be over.

I stepped back at his words.

Miraj: I don't need or want your help anyway.

The laughter began to increase.

??? ..but I just wanted to just let you know that I'm always supporting you.

???: That's too bad.

???: But, um, could I sit with you?

???: So you're the Miraj everyone's talking about?

I yelled as I rapidly got up.

Shinji: Time really does fly when one has something worth their doing.

I should've just ignored him, but something about him made me rethink about not trusting him.

Miraj: Well, first off, I'm nowhere near the level of even qualifying to join. And secondly, most of the council hates me.

Miraj: Look, I kind of appreciate that you care, but I'll deal with this myself.

Miraj: Too bad it's from him.

Miraj: ~Too tired.~

Ryoko: Had to. They are our friends after all.

[Fenrir34]

First off, I liked it. I didn't expect it to end where it did. I was left wanting more :3


What I liked
-the music, handsdown. It has great music. If you decide to keep it and make a music gallery, I'll be very happy. But maybe you could change the music in some scenes like: where Ryoko is in the bathroom with Miraji. I think the music there should be a bit more serious.
-Hiroki and Shinji. I really liked them both. They make interesting characters and I'd love to see more of them once the game is done.
-the sprites and backgrounds were nice. And agree with what sonorousgem said, sprites and bg's fit well.


What I didn't like/a few things wrong
-the vibrating phone. Maybe it's just me, but yeah, I didn't like the vibrating sound effects so much. I think once or twice would be fine.
-A few typos. Your writing is good, but having a editor, proofread, beta reader or whatever you call it, will make your game even better.
-The scene where she meets Hikaru at the store. He just suddenly appears in swim trunks and then goes back to his regular clothes. I'm like "what?" xD

I feel bad for Miraji. People are so mean to her, omg. I like the relationship she has with her brother. I'm glad Miraji isn't that bitter. Like sonorousgem, I did have a bit of trouble relating to her at first, but once I got into the game more I kinda understand her better. Miraji is a good character. Maybe you could soften her personality just a little bit, but you don't have to. If she becomes more kinder towards the end, I think that leaving her like she is now will be good and it will show how much she has grown/matured through the game. I don't know.

I'd like a little information on why Ryoko lives with the siblings. I think people will wonder who she is why is with Miraji and Hiroki as she's not related to them. To be honest, I was wondering why she lives with them.

I'm not really good at this thing, but I hoped my feedback helped.

First off, you're feedback is really helpful. I'm grateful that you played it

For the things you liked:
-Glad you enjoyed the music. I know some of it might've been weird at certain places. Gotta go fix that.
-I'm so happy that you liked Hiroki and Shinji. I was beginning to think that Hiroki was to much of a bother, but it's good to see that he's likeable
-Once again thank you. Blue forest does really good sprites, yet sometimes people can be put off by them. I'm glad that both you and sonorousgem said they fit. I'm really happy about that

Things you didn't like/ few things wrong
-Sorry about that, but I needed something to show texting. Not the best sound but it had to do.
-Thanks for saying I'm a good writer. I'm always scared that I suck to much, but you're right on the proofreader thing. I'll make sure to get one. But this beta was just to show people the prologue of the game. I did go through, but sorry if I missed something
-Omg. That's so funny . I went through that scene but didn't see anything like that at all. I think I put the wrong outfit on him. So sorry that happened.


And I'm glad you do feel sorry for her. People are mean to her because she seeks change. I know that she might seem bitter, and even a bit crazy at first, but she's a good person. I'll change her up a bit so people can like her more though

As for Ryoko, she doesn't live with him. She lives in the same apartment complex as them. The background might not show that and I don't think I said it. Sorry about that.

Anyway, thank you for playing. This, along with the other feedback, will help me make a better game

[Fenrir34]

What I liked: I like the fact that Miraj is one of those proactive female protagonists, though she is quite rash and impulsive. Shinji is interesting, and I'm intrigued to see how Sakura plays a role in this whole thing seeing as she's the opposite of Hikaru. For Hikaru himself, I wonder if there's a reason to how he acts, and if so, what.

The sprites and backgrounds go well together, as well as the music.

What I disliked/Errors: The beginning was a bit confusing, though amusing at the same time. Transitions could be added to make the whole thing flow smoother.

Overall, it's quite good. But but but... the cliffhanger

You just had to leave it hanging.... Can't wait for the full game

These are typos/grammatical errors/all that jazz that I found. I think I didn't miss any..

Miyu said, "Don't you even care that you made a mockery of this school?!"

Ryoko: Don't, Miraj.

Slimely -> Slimy

Girl 2: U-um, Hikaru, my friends and I were wondering if you would eat lunch with us today...

OR "U-um, Hikaru, my friends and I were wondering... Would you eat lunch with us today?

Girl 1: It would be fun if you did.

He gave me a smile which I knew was mocking, and slowly came over.

Hikaru: I just thought you'd still be too embarrassed after making such a fool out of yourself.

Miraj: I mean, it's been what? Six months since I've tried getting this to work?!

I said nothing, and he left - heading back towards his little group of fan girls.

Also, I didn't get any special treatment in class besides being his sister.

In fact, sometimes, it felt like he was solely picking on me during class discussions.

Ryoko: Is it with the council again?

Ryoko: Why are you so into making this retreat happen, Miraj?

Teacher: That's it! You're coming with me to the headmaster's office right now!

He gave me a deathly stare, and at that moment, I knew that my life might finally be over.

I stepped back at his words.

Miraj: I don't need or want your help anyway.

The laughter began to increase.

??? ..but I just wanted to just let you know that I'm always supporting you.

???: That's too bad.

???: But, um, could I sit with you?

???: So you're the Miraj everyone's talking about?

I yelled as I rapidly got up.

Shinji: Time really does fly when one has something worth their doing.

I should've just ignored him, but something about him made me rethink about not trusting him.

Miraj: Well, first off, I'm nowhere near the level of even qualifying to join. And secondly, most of the council hates me.

Miraj: Look, I kind of appreciate that you care, but I'll deal with this myself.

Miraj: Too bad it's from him.

Miraj: ~Too tired.~

Ryoko: Had to. They are our friends after all.

What you liked
-So glad you liked that about. Whenever I write a mc, I try to make her not be bland and have something she has to do. Also, I think that those who play this will like Shinji. I think he's a good match for her personally. As for Sakura I promise she won't be an idiot. Someone told me they hopes I wouldn't make her so. Hikaru does have something to do with the way she asks as well. But he's a but mean lol.
-Glad you liked the sprites an backgrounds. That was something I was worried about when doing this


What you dislikes/Eorros
Sorry about that. Glad it was funny though. And I'll fix those up. I have recently, and finally, learned how to make better transitions for the characters.


Thank you once again and sorry about that. I seem to always end big games or stories with a cliffhanger for the next part.

Also, thank you so much for this list of errors. I'll go back and check it as soon as I have some time