Well, I'm finished with this beta! Congratulations on getting to this point.
I'll start with the positives first: You have an interesting premise and attractive art.
Unfortunately, from where I stand,
Errant Heart's writing is in dire need of improvement. The characters are often almost lifeless---though they "wake up" a bit later---and the prose itself does not read well. It's stiff and unnatural, and far too much time is spent telling rather than showing. I will say, however, that the main portion of the VN is slightly stronger than the prologue. It still deals with the same problems, however.
Let me give you a few pointers:
Other expedition members stop what they're doing and glance over to the doctor's tent. While they may only be able to make out a few choice words from the doctor every now and again, his body language fills in the gaps quite obviously.
What body language is the doctor using? It may be obvious to the other characters, but not to the reader. And how many of them are actually able to see inside the tent if they're just glancing at it from what is likely to be many feet away? Show, don't tell.
Turning abruptly from the girl, the doctor rips a piece of paper from one of the notebooks. Still standing, he hunches over the table and hurriedly scribbles something on the sheet. Once done, he folds the paper a number of times and then approaches the girl.
The doctor stretches out his right hand and presents the paper to the girl.
“Well? Go on then.”
Unsure of what he wants, the girl just clasps her hands to her chest and backs away a couple of steps.
“Oh, bloody hell . . .”
The doctor steps forward and grabs the girl by the arm. He shoves the paper into her hand and speaks in a supremely condescending tone.
“Take this to Cassandra. Understand? Cassandra? Go find her and bring her back. Yes?”
With some inkling of what the loud fat man wants, the girl turns around and takes a few tentative steps into the desert before pausing. Apparently not satisfied with this response, the doctor lifts his right leg and places his boot on the girl's backside. He pushes the girl with as little effort as if he was pushing over a piece of cardboard.
The girl flops down face-first onto the rock-strewn desert ground. She coughs a few times as some fine-grained sand reaches her lungs.
Over-description is a huge problem for
Errant Heart. It and that problem is made worse because most of the characters remain unnamed throughout the beta. I can't tell you how much I wanted to know who "the girl" and "the doctor" were. But the young man who says very little is identified as Nigel almost immediately. Why? Doctor Langham and Salima are far larger presences in the story at this point. It doesn't make sense. And don't
tell the reader that Langham is being condescending. It's demonstrated in his tone of voice, and because he kicks Salima out of his tent!
The choice to use present tense narration baffles me. Think of the sequence of events as you would a film---the audience wants to watch things happen directly. The narration, in its current form, adds an unnecessary barrier between the text and the reader. It's the same as having a friend watch a movie with you, only to hear that friend tell you what's happening as it's happening. Everything feels wooden.
Still staring off into the distance, dumbfounded, Cassandra staggers forward. After a few seconds, she whirls around and asks in a raised voice . . .
“Salima, what's the meaning of this?"
Don't describe your characters about to say something and then have them say it. They should just speak. And don't describe other characters' feelings if it's already apparent in how they're acting.
Concerned with the girl's unexpected response, Cassandra approaches Salima and grabs her by the shoulders.
“Salima? Are you doing this?”
Apparently shaken out of her reverie by Cassandra's touch, Salima looks her in the eye and manages a simple response.
“Not me.”
Cassandra releases the girl and furrows her brow.
Whose brow is furrowed? I know it's Cassandra's, but be careful with pronouns.
"I'm . . . I'm sorry, miss. I do---"
I'm cut off abruptly as the woman responds in a low, but very stern tone.
Again, don't describe a character being cut off, or responding, or whatever. Just let it happen.
Participial phrases are useful, but don't abuse them. They're everywhere. You could vary your sentence structure more. And be sure to take care not to create dangling modifiers:
“Confused by the lack of any substance in my hands, the reality of the situation slowly dawns on me.
The reality of the situation is confused? No. She is confused.
“Looking behind me to my satchel, she seems to have helped herself to the contents of the lunch I bought. An empty pasta container and a few unused napkins lay on the ground swaying in the breeze.”
Who is doing the looking? Lira is. Also, "lay" should be "lie" since the present tense is being used.
“Turning my attention back to Salima, her expression has returned to its usual deadpan look.”
Who is turning? Lira is turning to look at Salima's expression.
Other notes:
Don't ever use yellow as a text color.
Still staring at the young girl, the doctor does his best to stifle his displeasure. But the redness of his chubby face belies his true feelings.
"Belies" is not the correct verb to use here. It means "contradicts." You want to use something like "betrays" instead.
I saw several misused or missing commas and periods, misused em dashes, and at least one missing article---the phrase "in muffled whisper" towards the end should be "in a muffled whisper."
In the prologue, "judgement" is an acceptable spelling of "judgment," but it's less common. Do what you will.
"Absent-mindedly" is "absentmindedly."
Small numbers are to be written out. Don't use numbers for them. "15 minutes" should be "fifteen minutes."
I hear one last disembodied statement from the man.
Don't ever do this again. It's not a "disembodied statement." He's just talking to Lira.
I feel my diaphragm convulsing and my lungs start to burn.
I believe you mean "constricting," or "tightening," or any appropriate synonym.
The woman lets out a soft verbal tick [sic] and proceeds to walk into the room.
What verbal tic is that? Does she sigh? Laugh? Make a "tsk" sound? I noticed that this "verbal tick" thing happens again a bit later on.
The woman lets my response hang out in the open for an excruciatingly long amount of time.
How long is "excruciatingly long"? "A long time" is sufficient.
"Hookey" is "hooky."
"Deutch" is "Deutsch."
"Alright" is "all right." (I know the former is becoming acceptable now in some circles, but I'm not a fan of it.)
"Das ist der Ort."
This should be "Das ist den Ort." In German, nouns in grammatical cases must take the appropriate ending. In this situation, "der Ort" is "den Ort," though I'm not sure if "That is the place" would translate so literally into German.
"Ah. Vielen dank, madchen."
"Dank" is a noun and needs to be capitalized. The same is true of Mädchen. Don't forget the umlaut!
"Mach dir keine Sorgen um sie."
Mrs. Hinze does not know Lira well, so she wouldn't use the familiar
du form of this verb. She would instead say "Machen Sie sich üm sie keine Sorgen."
(Note: my experience in German is limited to six years' worth, and my grammar is a bit rusty, so I highly recommend checking with a native speaker or someone who uses German more often. But I'm fairly certain I've got this one right.)
"Questionaire" is "questionnaire."
Closing the door, I breath a sigh of relief.
"Breathe," not "breath."
“With a grin still on her face, she reaches out a hand and I give her my used table wear.”
"Tableware."
“It takes not more than two seconds before I feel heat roiling off of my face with an intensity I rarely experience.”
"Roiling" isn't the right verb. To roil means to make a liquid muddy. You may want to use "radiating" or even just write the thought this way: "My face grows hot. I've rarely felt this way before."
“I think I let a few non-verbal mumblings escape as I scramble to think of how to respond to such an inappropriate question.”
Nonverbal mumblings? That doesn't make sense. Mumbling is a vocalization.
