Please check the english writing on my game information.

Questions, skill improvement, and respectful critique involving game writing.
Post Reply
Message
Author
User avatar
Arisae
Regular
Posts: 32
Joined: Wed Dec 24, 2014 5:39 pm
Completed: Discouraged Workers/YGGDRASIL JIGSAW PUZZLE
Projects: Working on some projects
Organization: YGGDRASIL STUDIO
Github: YGGDRASIL-STUDIO
itch: yggdrasilstudio
Location: Korea, Republic of.
Contact:

Please check the english writing on my game information.

#1 Post by Arisae » Thu Feb 26, 2015 3:26 pm

Dear, RenPy peoples.
Please check the Introduce for my game. Because of I want a better english translation for my players. I ordered to translator in a few days ago, English translation is in progress.

=============

Discouraged Workers

『Discouraged Workers』 is an indie kinetic novel produced by YGGDRASIL STUDIO. The game is the fifth in the Project DW series. It supports both English and Korean, and is available for PC(Win/Mac/Linux/SteamOS), Mobile(iOS/Android/BlackBerry), OUYA and PS Vita.

Introduce

『Discouraged Workers』 is a satirical story based on the popular Korean soap operas-styled plot. It compares Ga-Yeon’s bleak everyday life to the dark side of youth.

A hospital coordinator, Ga-Yeon, fell in love with a doctor at the hospital she was working in and they had an affair even though the doctor was a married man. But when the director found out, she was fired. For over a year she tried to find another job, but her mental uneasiness eventually made her give up and she became a recluse.

A year later, in the spring of 2013, her younger sister, Hye-Na, and her first love Yun-Woo come to her.

A story about the dark side of today’s youth and pretty serious everyday life happening around Ga-Yeon.

Discouraged Workers


Description
  • The game is actually not a game, but a kinetic novel.
  • The episode is adult content. Children, Seniors or Pregnant, Feeble-Minded Person are not allowed to play this game.
  • The game will be moved on mostly through Ga-Yeon’s point of view and the Archives will be also helpful for you to understand the whole play.
  • You don’t need to be directly involved in the game – just watch, read, listen, and feel it.
  • However sometimes, you may be required to do something to collect some records or scenes.
  • Discouraged Workers is played automatically. You can toggle this function.
Features
  • A Korean-based densely-plotted story with the gloomy theme.
  • The short but intense 135 minutes, with the real soap opera-like directing.
  • The cartoon-style sprites & CGs, and backgrounds based on retouched real pictures.
  • 60+ archives and hidden records that you could get from unique objects.
  • 30+ Steam Achievements.
  • Powerful data compression technology applied!
=============

Please check the information, let me know if you can't understanding it. Thank you!
Last edited by Arisae on Mon Mar 02, 2015 5:50 am, edited 3 times in total.

User avatar
ludeshka
Veteran
Posts: 277
Joined: Tue Apr 07, 2009 11:24 am
Completed: Hierofanía / Next Door Taker/Rhyme or Reason /Hierofanía 2
Projects: Hierofanía 3 (I swear it's the last one)
Tumblr: sillyraccoonknight
Deviantart: ludeshka
itch: ludeshka
Contact:

Re: Please check the english writing on my game information.

#2 Post by ludeshka » Thu Feb 26, 2015 6:02 pm

Arisae wrote:『Discouraged Workers』 is a story based on the Korea’s “crappy soap operas”. It likens Ga-Yeon’s bleak everyday to the shadow of youth.
It might look better as "『Discouraged Workers』 is a story based on Korean “soap operas”. It likens Ga-Yeon’s bleak everyday to the shadow of youth.

(Are you sure you want to use the word "crappy" ? I ask because you say English is not your first language. Crappy is used when something is not good and you might not want your players to think the game will be bad?)
Arisae wrote:Ga-Yeon, a hospital coordinator, fell in love with a doctor in the hospital where she was working. But he’s already married and they had an affair. Then fired by a hospital director after he found out about it, she tried to find another job. But because of her mental uneasiness and reality barrier, she had failed to get a new job for over a year and at the end, just gave up trying to find a job.

Might Look nicer as: Ga-Yeon, a hospital coordinator, fell in love with a doctor at the hospital she was working in and they had an affair. But when the director found out, Ga-Yeon was fired. For over a year, Ga-Yeon has tried to find another job, but her mental uneasiness eventually made her give up.

(I don't know what "reality barrier" means in that context)
Arisae wrote: A year later since then, in the spring of 2013 in Korea, her younger sister Hye-Na and her first love Yun-Woo came to her who became a reclusive outsider.
One year later, in spring, her younger sister Hye-Na and her first love Yun-Woo come to find Ga-Yeon, who's become a reclusive outcast.


I'm sure someone else can make that sentence prettier, but I really think "outcast" is the word you want, rather than "outsider"


Please forgive me if I made any mistakes myself, but I wanted to help a bit because the idea for the game sounds very interesting, actually.
I look forward to playing it. :)

User avatar
Arisae
Regular
Posts: 32
Joined: Wed Dec 24, 2014 5:39 pm
Completed: Discouraged Workers/YGGDRASIL JIGSAW PUZZLE
Projects: Working on some projects
Organization: YGGDRASIL STUDIO
Github: YGGDRASIL-STUDIO
itch: yggdrasilstudio
Location: Korea, Republic of.
Contact:

Re: Please check the english writing on my game information.

#3 Post by Arisae » Thu Feb 26, 2015 6:16 pm

@ludeshka

Thanks for your reply! Yes, my first language is Korean.
I will reflect your reply with my translator.

Thank you for your kindness! I'll try to greenlight on steam at soon!

User avatar
kmarsel
Newbie
Posts: 14
Joined: Sun Nov 17, 2013 11:29 pm
Projects: Ace Academy, The Tales of Aegasia
Location: USA
Contact:

Re: Please check the english writing on my game information.

#4 Post by kmarsel » Thu Feb 26, 2015 10:53 pm

This is how I would word it:

Discouraged Workers

『Discouraged Workers』 is an indie kinetic novel produced by YGGDRASIL STUDIO. The game is the fifth in the Project DW series. It supports both English and Korean, and is availabel for PC (Win/Mac/Linux/SteamOS), Mobile (iOS/Android/BlackBerry), OUYA, and PS Vita.

Introduction

『Discouraged Workers』 is a story based on Korean soap operas. It compares Ga-Yeon’s bleak everyday life to the shadow of youth.

A hospital coordinator, Ga-Yeon, had an affair with a doctor who worked in the same hospital. When the hospital director found out, she was fired, but due to her frail mental state, she had difficulties finding a new job. Eventually, she gave up and became a recluse.

A year later, in the spring of 2013, her younger sister, Hye-Na, and her first love, Yun-Woo, come to her.

A Story about Not-Light-Everyday Life Happening Around Ga-Yeon and a Gloomy Face of the Youth Living Today.
I don't understand what you mean by this. The terms "not-light-everyday life" and "gloomy face of the youth living today" don't make much sense to me.

Also, when you say
『Discouraged Workers』 is a story based on the Korea’s “crappy soap operas”.
Is it based on one soap opera in particular or just that genre of tv?
It likens Ga-Yeon’s bleak everyday to the shadow of youth.
This sentence sounds like it's incomplete. Ga-Yeon's bleak everyday (life?)? And what exactly is the "shadow of youth"?

Anyway, those are my thoughts. Hope it helps.
Looking for feedback:
The Tales of Aegasia

User avatar
Arisae
Regular
Posts: 32
Joined: Wed Dec 24, 2014 5:39 pm
Completed: Discouraged Workers/YGGDRASIL JIGSAW PUZZLE
Projects: Working on some projects
Organization: YGGDRASIL STUDIO
Github: YGGDRASIL-STUDIO
itch: yggdrasilstudio
Location: Korea, Republic of.
Contact:

Re: Please check the english writing on my game information.

#5 Post by Arisae » Thu Feb 26, 2015 11:09 pm

kmarsel wrote:I don't understand what you mean by this. The terms "not-light-everyday life" and "gloomy face of the youth living today" don't make much sense to me.
I'll tell to translator so you can understand.
kmarsel wrote:Is it based on one soap opera in particular or just that genre of tv?
Yes, it ts. But i ordered a better expression.

kmarsel wrote:This sentence sounds like it's incomplete. Ga-Yeon's bleak everyday (life?)? And what exactly is the "shadow of youth"?
Also I'll tell to translator so you can understand.


Thank you for your answer!
Independent Cultural Artist. Currently working for the Project DW.

Image Image Image Image

User avatar
Arisae
Regular
Posts: 32
Joined: Wed Dec 24, 2014 5:39 pm
Completed: Discouraged Workers/YGGDRASIL JIGSAW PUZZLE
Projects: Working on some projects
Organization: YGGDRASIL STUDIO
Github: YGGDRASIL-STUDIO
itch: yggdrasilstudio
Location: Korea, Republic of.
Contact:

Re: Please check the english writing on my game information.

#6 Post by Arisae » Sat Feb 28, 2015 9:12 pm

Thank you everyone!
I had to update the introduce and add new description, features in English.
Please check this, and let me know if you don't understanding it!

==========

Description
  • The game is actually not a game, but a kinetic novel.
  • The episode is adult content. Children, Seniors or Pregnant, Feeble-Minded Person are not allowed to play this game.
  • The game will be moved on mostly through Ga-Yeon’s point of view and the Archives will be also helpful for you to understand the whole play.
  • You don’t need to be directly involved in the game – just watch, read, listen, and feel it.
  • However sometimes, you may be required to do something to collect some records or scenes.
  • Discouraged Workers is played automatically. You can toggle this function.
Features
  • A Korean-based densely-plotted story with the gloomy theme.
  • The short but intense 135 minutes, with the real soap drama-like directing.
  • The cartoon-style sprites & CGs, and backgrounds based on doctored real pictures.
  • 60+ Archives and hidden records that you could get from unique objects.
  • 30+ Steam Achievements.
  • Powerful data compression technology applied!
Independent Cultural Artist. Currently working for the Project DW.

Image Image Image Image

User avatar
thankthebear
Newbie
Posts: 11
Joined: Wed Feb 11, 2015 5:10 pm
Contact:

Re: Please check the english writing on my game information.

#7 Post by thankthebear » Sun Mar 01, 2015 11:04 pm

Personally, I think the biggest issues are translated concepts rather than the actual phrasing.
Arisae wrote: [*] The episode is adult content. Children, Seniors or Pregnant, Feeble-Minded Person are not allowed to play this game.
Adult content only excludes children, unless this is intended to be a meta-style joke, like "Robocop 2 is so action-packed, pregnant women are not allowed in the theater!" when there is no actual danger presented to them. But just for the record, while probably incorrect...and while "feeble-minded" might be referring to an actual group of people (and thereby offensive)...I like this sentence. And you probably shouldn't use it.
Features
[*] A Korean-based densely-plotted story with the gloomy theme.
[*] The short but intense 135 minutes, with the real soap drama-like directing.
[*] The cartoon-style sprites & CGs, and backgrounds based on doctored real pictures.
1. "The gloomy theme" might be a subgenre or style, but I've never heard of it. That might be just me being an ignorant noobie.
2. They're either called "soap operas" or "daytime dramas." I've never seen the two combined, but I understand what is meant.
3. "Based on doctored pictures" isn't something that seems like it should be mentioned in the advertisement. "Doctored" is primarily a negative word in the States, and I'm guessing something like "realistic backgrounds" would probably do the trick.

And just a quick other thing. I think I have a good guess at what "crappy Korean soap operas" is meant to imply (because sometimes "crappy" can be a good thing!) but is that referencing an actual genre of television in Korea? Do they really have something that means "crappy soap operas"? Because that'd be amazing.

Thank you and good luck.

User avatar
Arisae
Regular
Posts: 32
Joined: Wed Dec 24, 2014 5:39 pm
Completed: Discouraged Workers/YGGDRASIL JIGSAW PUZZLE
Projects: Working on some projects
Organization: YGGDRASIL STUDIO
Github: YGGDRASIL-STUDIO
itch: yggdrasilstudio
Location: Korea, Republic of.
Contact:

Re: Please check the english writing on my game information.

#8 Post by Arisae » Mon Mar 02, 2015 4:28 am

thankthebear wrote:Adult content only excludes children, unless this is intended to be a meta-style joke, like "Robocop 2 is so action-packed, pregnant women are not allowed in the theater!" when there is no actual danger presented to them. But just for the record, while probably incorrect...and while "feeble-minded" might be referring to an actual group of people (and thereby offensive)...I like this sentence. And you probably shouldn't use it.
But my game, I think it may be a direct effect, depending on the some person. The game scenario is probably heavier than you think. "Introduce" is not a game story, only used the prologue. I will find a something better.
thankthebear wrote:1. "The gloomy theme" might be a subgenre or style, but I've never heard of it. That might be just me being an ignorant noobie.
2. They're either called "soap operas" or "daytime dramas." I've never seen the two combined, but I understand what is meant.
3. "Based on doctored pictures" isn't something that seems like it should be mentioned in the advertisement. "Doctored" is primarily a negative word in the States, and I'm guessing something like "realistic backgrounds" would probably do the trick.

And just a quick other thing. I think I have a good guess at what "crappy Korean soap operas" is meant to imply (because sometimes "crappy" can be a good thing!) but is that referencing an actual genre of television in Korea? Do they really have something that means "crappy soap operas"? Because that'd be amazing.

Thank you and good luck.
1. "Gloomy theme", it means atmosphere literally.
2. I will refer your answers.
3. Um, negative? Alright, I'll tell to my translator.

"Crappy soap operas" is modified: popular Korean soap operas-styled plot.
I have modified introduce a few days ago, You can check the IndieDB link below. Thank you for your reply, I will reflect your reply with my translator. And sorry for my bad english!
Independent Cultural Artist. Currently working for the Project DW.

Image Image Image Image

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users