#3
Post
by HiddenCreature » Sun Jun 28, 2015 1:19 am
I'd say the biggest pro is the art. I'm not an artist and can't really critique it, but I still enjoyed the style. Music/sounds were also nice additions. I wish there at least some filtered photos for the missing backgrounds. It really throws you off while reading the story.
The story, in all honesty, leaves a lot to be desired, because the characters don't strike me as true to nature.
Unlike the students he meets, Hideaki clearly doesn't have a defining personality/interests. The first defining thing I learned about them, literally, was that he plays games a lot and throws tantrums when he loses; I can already tell that's self-insertion from the writer, honestly. I wasn't learning his hobbies or his distinctive thoughts on life/people. This uses 1st Person Narration, but there's not a lot of personality to match it.
Chinatsu's family apparently knows Hideaki's, but he doesn't remember because of the accident. Why did he never bother to ask her about their past? Or why didn't his mother bring him up to speed on the things he forgot?
Megumi and Ryo are clearly extroverts. Why does Hideaki seem to be their only friend? And despite the very little dialogue that occurred, Megumi is treating him like her best friend, even using the informal suffix -kun instead of -san. People aren't naturally like that.
Shiro literally just met Hideaki, and she's trusting him with her secret that she made a copy of the janitor's keys? She could have just lied or said it wasn't his business, that would have been more realistic.
Then there's very little dialogue and events. The few times he's talking with Megumi or Chinatsu don't last long, and don't reveal much about the characters. A lot of hours are skipped every day; hours that could be spent showing events in his life at school and outside of it.
Also, his mother just seems like someone who should be there, not really a character by herself. I mean, more than once her son comes home very late without calling her, or her calling him, and she's not that concerned. Or the fact that Hideaki has missed some classes, slept through others, and has played games when he should have been studying. We can assume he's having a poor academic start, but there's no concern from his mother. I mean, she doesn't even ask if he's making new friends or how he's adjusting to the new scenery.
Lastly, because this is a dating game, Hideaki can't continue having his plain personality. Either it becomes more refined, or you give players more decisions to define their own personality. Why? Because plain, ordinary guys like Hideaki never get girlfriends like the girls in this game, or any other dating game, ever.
He doesn't have any appealing hobbies like debate, philosophy, or sports. He's not charming, confident, and without a sprite, we don't know if he's arguably handsome. Why should multiple girls consider him, when there's definitely other guys at school that would have some of these desirable qualities. Sure, he's polite, but manners alone don't make relationships.
I hope it doesn't like I'm ripping on this story. I liked it enough to where I wanted to actually write this feedback. Honestly, and I've reviewed enough stories to spot this, I can tell the writer either isn't very experienced, or needs to brush up on a few tips. The general tone of this story is certainly nice. But it too much resembles your average high school manga. The only for this story to stand out, is to have more defining characters, with much more dialogue.
