Lemma Soft Forums

Hello! I've been graced by who knows what creator of life the opportunity to write the script and dialect for "Master Please" a game in development. However its the first time I've ever written for money, and I don't know what else to do to get feedback and some opinions (creative please, no just bashing my work, as said I am new.)
So the script is located below, any questions please ask, but I welcome creative critique. This game is not out yet, and this is only part of the story so far. The reason for how the names are set up is because the player will be able to input their own character names.
Adult content removed. Please post erotic writing ONLY in our adult forums! - Taleweaver

Take another look at your grammar. You're missing an awful lot of command, apostrophes, even a couple periods here and there.

While there's no actual pic, the content of this post is still "Adult Only" in nature (and at the very least would need a "18+ / mature content" warning message at the title or the top of the post). Are the admins really okay with this?

indoneko wrote:While there's no actual pic, the content of this post is still "Adult Only" in nature (and at the very least would need a "18+ / mature content" warning message at the title or the top of the post). Are the admins really okay with this?

Thank you so much, That'll be changed right away

Hm. Like Zelan already said there's a lot of typos and awkward phrasing that suggests this is a first draft? It's hard to judge those because you'll also change a lot of the pacing with a good, thorough rewrite. The general style and mood you have is there, but it won't be finetuned yet.

One thing I can advice you is to split up the descriptive paragraphs. Assuming this is for a visual novel, try to maintain a 2,5 line rule of thumb: When working in Word with Calibri 11 (recalculate to whatever you use) you shouldn't make a paragraph longer than that because it'll expand the textbox. This is best implemented as soon as possible, splitting up paragraphs the right way is more than just seeking a dot and pressing enter. And it's a lot easier to do now then once you see it back in the game and have to work in .rpy, or when the programmer does it for you in the 'Seek dot, press enter' method I described before.

Depending on how much this takes you out of your writing mood; name defines can be as little as a single (capital-sensitive) letter so you could shorten Danny: to d , it'll be the same amount of work for the programmer. (Don't call anyone a or i though!)