Script feedback, please?

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Honeydrop
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Script feedback, please?

#1 Post by Honeydrop » Tue Sep 04, 2018 1:07 am

So, this is our first game, and my first post to this forum. I'm hoping my script is clear and concise. Is the POV confusing?

We're going to use sprites which are from the thigh upward for characters. Maybe we'll also have little expressions in the corners of their textboxes too. I'm not sure yet.

The game is about 4 girls who, when encountering a particularly traumatic moment in their lives, is approached by a magical bird who promises magical powers. Each story is of one girl, and as the player plays, other girls plot lines are unlocked. All plot lines interweave, some more than others.

A few things - I'm the writer, I made notes for the artist to follow. The script is formatted in a more traditional screenplay format.

Also we're making this in Tyranobuilder and not RenPy because we're new. Maybe if we ever make another game, we'll use RenPy.

This is the opening scene of the game which will have adult content. Warning that there's death of a child in this scene.


Thank you in advance!
HoneyDrop Game Script.pdf
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Curtid21
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Re: Script feedback, please?

#2 Post by Curtid21 » Tue Sep 04, 2018 4:39 pm

Honeydrop wrote:
Tue Sep 04, 2018 1:07 am
So, this is our first game, and my first post to this forum. I'm hoping my script is clear and concise. Is the POV confusing?

We're going to use sprites which are from the thigh upward for characters. Maybe we'll also have little expressions in the corners of their textboxes too. I'm not sure yet.

The game is about 4 girls who, when encountering a particularly traumatic moment in their lives, is approached by a magical bird who promises magical powers. Each story is of one girl, and as the player plays, other girls plot lines are unlocked. All plot lines interweave, some more than others.

A few things - I'm the writer, I made notes for the artist to follow. The script is formatted in a more traditional screenplay format.

Also we're making this in Tyranobuilder and not RenPy because we're new. Maybe if we ever make another game, we'll use RenPy.

This is the opening scene of the game which will have adult content. Warning that there's death of a child in this scene.


Thank you in advance!

HoneyDrop Game Script.pdf
Hey HoneyDrop,

Always excited to test out new things here, and I just read yours.
I love the formatting. It's been a struggle of mine with the posts I have up of my own novel as well.

I like the storyline. I know exactly what's going on throughout the reading. The options make a lot of sense too, very realistic.
I think there are some parts that can make it too straightforward for my taste. A lot of what I'm digesting of the story is done through Chie's Narration. I feel like you have leeway with dialogue to describe what's going on or how Chie feels of the situation at hand. I'm particularly thinking of the intro scene with the Shadow, as she seems to utter no words aloud.


[*]Chie Narration: Not my first concussion and it probably won't be my last.
I'm not sure what's meant by the latter half of the sentence. The first two thoughts to me were: Is this whole event being described in past tense by Chie? ; Has she fought this shadow before?

[*]Option 1: Chie Narration: The blades puncture her soft skin...
Make this sound more tragic. Phrases like "the meat of her heart" sound much too gruesome for someone who
accidentally killed their loved sister.
But please post more. Looking forward
"Are you ready?"
Ready as I'll ever be.

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Re: Script feedback, please?

#3 Post by Honeydrop » Tue Sep 04, 2018 5:40 pm

Thanks for the feedback!
I'm thinking of shifting the POV to third person omniscient because I've been told Chie's POV is confusing and she comes across as too detached and aloof. So, your comments help.
HoneyDrop - An erotic visual novel coming in...uh, I'll get back to you on that.

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Re: Script feedback, please?

#4 Post by Applegate » Wed Sep 05, 2018 6:45 pm

she comes across as too detached and aloof
Hello, and welcome to Lemmasoft. I quoted this line in particular as it touches on the feedback I'd give on this piece. However, let's start on a positive note, because there is much to be positive about in the script.

The script has a clear direction and the descriptions provide a vivid idea to the reader of what is going on. It is excellently visual.

There are a few areas of improvement. As someone pointed out, Chie comes across as too aloof and detached. To be more accurate, she describes the events as though it were happening to someone else. Ex.
CHIE NARRATION
I lost all sense of self-preservation and launch myself at the shadowy abomination
sucking my sister’s life force through its fingers. I throw all my weight at it, which wasn’t
very much anyway.

CHIE NARRATION (cont'd)
But a shadow is a shadow and if it wants to be as solid as air, it can be.
I pass right through the creature as easily as a bird through fog. The momentum sends
me careening into the coffee table and onto the hard, polished wood floor.
The unique property of the first-person is that we are in a position to make the emotion palpable to the reader. Where in a third person the actions and words of a focal character expresses emotion, in first-person view the narrator's emotions should come first and foremost.

In your piece, Chie describes an emotion ("I lost all sense of self-preservation.") instead of experiencing it. She makes a casual remark ("[my weight] wasn't much anyway") which is out of place for the situation. She regards the situation poetically ("A shadow is a shadow and if it wants to be as solid as air, it can be. I pass right through the creature as easily as a bird through fog.") and makes an odd mention of an insignificant detail ("polished wood floor.").

I believe for the first-person narration to work, you need to have her experience her emotion. In this option she fears for her sister, which lends to courage to take action. To express her fear, you could substitute the line "I lost all sense of self-preservation" with, for example,
CHIE NARRATION
That... thing...! It's got Tsuki! What the hell are you doing to my sister?! What do you think you're doing?! I pick myself up, launch myself at the bastard! But as if I just lunged at air, I pass through. Before long, my face is on the floor.
We're missing out on some details (Chie describing what the thing is doing (though she can't know), the floor being polished wood, her colliding with the coffee table) but these are details mostly irrelevant to the situation. Given the observer sees the tatami mats from the start, and given the natural property of a floor is that it is hard, all that we suffice to know is that Chie crashes into the floor and we'll know she's hurting.

Even when using a third person narrative, I'd recommend shortening some parts where the description is more detailed than it needs to be for the scene, ex.
I wrap my hand around the handle of the sharp, heavy pair of scissors. I gather all my
courage and run up to the monster. I raise the scissors high and plunge them downward
with all the strength I can muster.
We don't need to be reminded scissors are sharp, and the last line is better written as, "I plunge my scissors into the thing." "With all my strength" is implicit in the "plunging" and the action of the scene, her needing to gather courage is implied through her actions.

Finally, in the dialogue between CHIE and SWEETFEATHER, Chie spends the first few lines solely asking numerous questions. I'd recommend trying to rewrite some of those lines so it's not just a balance of CHIE asking questions and SWEETFEATHER giving answers. CHIE is our protagonist, so let her control part of the conversation as well. (Side note: how did Chie make the jump that the 'shadow took her sister'? The previous descriptions say Tsuki died.)
SWEETFEATHER DIALOGUE
"I know your heart is heavy, your soul kind. The grief that shadow
brought upon you choked weaker girls."

CHIE DIALOGUE
"You know what that thing was? Where can I find it? TELL ME!"

SWEETFEATHER DIALOGUE
"It's spawned from the poisoned womb of a vile monster, harvesting the souls of the innocent
to feed its mother."

CHIE DIALOGUE
"That thing took my sister. I'll take its mother."

SWEETFEATHER
"I have fought them all my life. I am here to enlist your aid. Together, we may cast away
the shadows and destroy their mother."
"Become my champion. Become my Honeydrop."

What's good is putting everything to paper now. You don't need to be perfect on the first try; work on the dialogue and the narration once the entire piece's finished. Editing is best done after finishing the entire work, and not a second sooner, in my opinion.

You've got a solid opening scene, with an understandable motivation. The choice options are excellent, allowing the reader/player to pick certain parts of her personality.

Good luck!

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Re: Script feedback, please?

#5 Post by Honeydrop » Sun Sep 09, 2018 9:56 pm

Thanks everyone!

I have a new question. Should I change it to Third Person Omniscient? Third Person Limited? Is that an acceptable form of narration in VNs, or is it frowned against?
HoneyDrop - An erotic visual novel coming in...uh, I'll get back to you on that.

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Re: Script feedback, please?

#6 Post by Honeydrop » Mon Sep 24, 2018 10:55 pm

And I'm back.
I rewrote a bit of it to make it more in the moment and less flowery. I hope it's still interesting.

I also added some clarification to the artist what I mean by "CG" and things.

Thank you again for your help. We're learning as we go.
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