A writing sample from Risingdreams.

[risingdreams]

I wonder if this is the right place to post this? I mean, it's not ready yet...

Here
I posted two visual novel ideas of mine. I decided trying to make both. The first idea... Well, first.

Problem is: I would like to post a bit of my writing first, to see if it's good enough for a visual novel. I think I write better in my mother language...

It's not spoilery... And it's just the prologue of the VN. I might need editors (if the prose doesn't suck too much) and I would like them to know what they're dealing with) first.

Edit: I'm facing some problems with setting, so names and some details might change. N00bish Risingdreams is n00bish.

Am I allowed to post some of my writing there?

[risingdreams]

SCHOOL HALLS
I’m pretty scared. What am I saying? I’m scared most of the time. But this time, I had a good reason to be scared: I had just transferred to a boarding school and didn’t know anyone.

My parents are biologists and have to travel a lot. Sometimes they take me with them, but that wasn’t possible this time around. That’s why they enrolled me at this school. It’s a pretty expensive private institution. Very strict, or so I’ve heard.

I unpacked everything yesterday. It was a very tiring day.

A teacher takes me to my new class. He takes me to the front of the whole class, writes my name in the blackboard and… Now I’ll have introduce myself. I hate introductions. They make me nervous.

CLASSROOM
Me: “My name is… My…”

I try to talk,but I just can’t. Everyone is looking at me, everyone is curious about me… But I must say something, right? I feel a bit less nervous when not looking at people’s faces, so I look down. Maybe I should have done this from the start. I’m well aware it’s a bit pathetic, though.

Me: “My name is Tsubame Hayashi… I hope to make friends here.”

I say very quietly. I was being honest. I really wanted to make friends. I hope it sounded honest, too.

People politely clap their hands. I blush. After a short while, they stopped caring about the new student. I’m relieved. The teacher tells me to seat behind a black haired girl, Rina Ito..

Rina: Calm down, Tsubame. It seems as if you’re about to cry! We’re all nice… Well, but Ai, but she’s mean to everyone.

Ai’s very popular but no one likes her. Odd. I wonder if people only hang out with her because she’s pretty. She’s very pretty. Her expression sure is kind of haughty, though.

Me: "That’s… Unusual."

It’s all I manage to say about Ai.

Rina asks me several questions… My answers are brief and not very good. I hope Rina realy wants to be my friend and isn’t talking to me because she’s bored or something.

Rina: It realy sucks to be the new student, doesn’t it? We used to move a lot because of my dad’s job, but then he retired last year.

She’s here because her parents want her to have a good education. She said something about wanting to move to Austria to further her studies in music.

Teacher: "It’s a good thing you already made friends, Miss Hayashi but could you please stop talking? And Miss Ito, be quiet in class for a change."

During the break, Rina invites me to have lunch with her and suggests me to join a club, if I realy wanted to make friends. It turns out I did sound honest when I said I wanted to make friends. At least as far as Rina was concerned. I was interested on the book club… But I was afraid to join it. I wonder if people would accept me?

Two months later…

BLACK SCREEN
I’m starting to get used to my new school. Rina’s the only friend I made so far, though.

Rina’s an extrovert. Everyday someone invites her to go to a party, or to a show. She invited me too, but I normally refused. These things make me nervous. I do go out, though. To the library, the aquarium or things like that. By myself.

PARK
Today is one of these days. Rina invited me to go to a party, but I refused. Sometimes I go to the park to walk, read one of the books I picked up in the library or both.

Walking and reading at the same time is a bad idea. I bump into Ai and a boy using our school’s uniform.

Choices:
Me: "I’m sorry!"
Me: …

(Picked "I’m sorry"):
Boy: "No problem."

Choices:
Me: "Are you two alright?"
Me: …

(Picked “Are you two alright?”)
Boy (smiling): I’m fine. I’m surprised this is the first time you bump into someone like that… It’s not the first time I see you reading while walking…
Ai: "I’m fine… But I broke a nail…"
Boy (annoyed): "What a tragedy, Ai."
Ai: "It’s not a tragedy. But be more careful next time, book girl."

They go away. I expected them to be way angrier.

(Picked "…")
They sigh and go away, annoyed.

(Picked "…")
Me: …They say nothing and leave.

After a while I decide going back to school. Ai and the boy have the same idea. I wonder why Ai wasn’t invited to the party?

I’m almost arriving at school. I’m a about to cross the street when a car comes from out of nowhere… It hits me… Pain… And nothing.

HOSPITAL ROOM
I wake up in a hospital room. I don’t know if I’m surprised or not to be there. The last thing I remember was returning to the boarding school… But the hospital seems oddly familiar.

[dstarsboy]

Other than some spelling mistakes and a few grammatical errors, I like your script. Keep up the good work.

[JinzouTamashii]

The punctuation marks go inside the apostrophes.

[Lazy Risindreams]

Thanks. Normaly I use another sign (-), so I didn't know this one. Other than this, it sucked too badly?

[risingdreams]

Fixed. I hope.

A friend also told me there were tense changes. It's a bit confusing writing on this tense. And I probably make tons of mistakes.

I'm under the impression I'm coming off as an idiot at this board. Well, even more than the usual.

[oiseau]

You don't seem like an idiot to me. I wouldn't worry about that.

Instead of, "I bump into Ai and a boy using our school’s uniform," I would write that Ai and the boy were "wearing our school's uniform." It makes more sense that way. Other than that, I like your prologue so far and I can easily see this becoming a visual novel. I'd play it...I like the mystery of trying to figure out who sent Tsubame the letter. Have you done any more work other than the prologue? :)

[risingdreams]

Ah... Thanks! And thanks for the tip. I wrote a bit more, but I didn't write any routes yet.

[JinzouTamashii]

It's not poorly written, you just need to watch out for a few things. If you wanted a review of the quality of the writing... it's not original, but it's good enough for a simple beginning game. Sometimes, you don't need to reinvent the genre if you're just starting out.

You need to watch tenses and capitalization, punctuation ... the best thing to do would be for you to supply the basic writing and get a proofreader/rewriter to go over your grammar and catch your mistakes. If this isn't your native language, then you're done well enough, I think, just keep on practicing. Your original urge to get an editor isn't a bad idea.

[risingdreams]

I'll try to be more careful with these things and look for an editor. I'm writing more and trying to solve some issues before recruiting one.