Yume wo Mita

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GateSide
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Posts: 5
Joined: Sat Apr 03, 2010 4:59 pm
Completed: Yume wo Mita
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Yume wo Mita

#1 Post by GateSide » Sat Sep 25, 2010 4:46 pm

Now this is our first project guys, but we still did our best. We're open to any and all criticism.

Plot:
Amoto, age 17, and a junior in high school lives a carefree life at home. One day as he was surfing the webs, he suddenly hears strange noises in his house. After a moment of looking around the house, he realizes the noises are coming from his attic. As he takes a look in his attic, he finds something one would not believe to find in an attic...

Image

Created by: Arctix Circuit

Type: Kinetic

Length: 15-30 minutes

Game: http://renai.us/game/yume-wo-mita.shtml

Thanks for reading and remember to join our group!

Arctix Circuit Site: http://z6.invisionfree.com/ArctiX_Circuit/index.php?

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Re: Yume wo Mita

#2 Post by Another » Sat Oct 09, 2010 2:16 pm

Congratulations for your first project. Although it was quite short, it was a nice reading. Amoto is a good mix of carefreeness and responsibility and Mikoto is very moe, even if a bit more development about her would make her still more likable. I love the association of these two kinds of stereotypes, it quite reminds me Hideki and Chi in the anime Chobits. :)


From the technical side, there are some circumstances in this story where objects crash or people fall without being emphasized. I suppose you didn't want to use too many trembling screens (which would be annoying), but there are other possible effects. And I was somehow expecting that you would use a bit more some of Ren'Py's features, as the engine is mentioned at the very beginning of the novel. Note this is not a true criticism, only a matter of taste (I'm just fond of special effects! :roll:).

Speaking of effects, a few sounds would have enhanced the reading without being too distracting. But since the sound cursors in the game preferences have not been disabled, maybe you've already planned it for a future release?


Concerning the plot, I perceived a small inconsistency about Mikoto's age. At first, the way she is described as a little girl and her childish attitude made me consider her like a twelve-year-old. But some of Amoto's thoughts made me realize that she must be older.
Amoto's considerations (when Mikoto takes a shower or proposes to share the bed) seem irrelevant to this story. I don't think he can feel this kind of temptation as the age difference between them is apparently too big. Moreover, their friendship appears in the end closer to a fraternal love than a romance.
I was quite sad that the story ended so quickly. I wished it would have been a bit longer. Unless you're planning a sequel *HINT HINT*, there's a question that remains unanswered:
Mikoto's hesitation to let Amoto alone doesn't explain why she didn't returned sooner. Carefreeness seems a cheesy justification (it's quite unlikely that she could return to Engrald from the beginning but had just forgotten that possibility). It should be possible to find a more convincing reason.

When she's about to leave, my feeling is that I miss information about her backstory. Does she have any other reason to stay? Is life in Engrald so wonderful? Does she have a family? Strangely enough, Amoto only mentioned that her friends would miss her, as if she had no relatives... Thus, I finally wonder if Amoto is very wise to persuade her to go back home.
Keep up the good work, I look forward to seeing what you'll bring next. :D

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