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Notes: The Academy itself and the Town it resides near are fictitious, and there will probably be a lot of Japanese words inserted in the text for lack of better ones...
I've found a new resolve to go back in and start from scratch! I'm currently tweaking the character personalities and the main plotline, and when that's done I'll write everything from start to end before I worry about character art, coding, and etc. Wish me luck! Oh, and please hold off on any new criticism about plot holes and things as such until further updates~ Arigatō (≧∇≦)/


Arizawa Academy [GxB][HighSchool]
Play as Nazuna as she navigates through her new high school's halls making the grade, building friendships, finding romance, and even uncovering her murky past all while staying out of trouble at the prestigious Arizawa Academy!

Story:
The name's Kuroki Nazuna from Osaka, Japan in the Kansai Region. All I've ever known is how to make it on my own, so having parents and being adopted has been a very different experience. Furukawa Eiji and Eri are my adoptive parents; they are both the owners of the largest electronics company in Japan, E&E. After about a year of going through with the grueling adoption process, Eiji and Eri were finally able to bring me home to Tokyo. We've been living together for about 6 months now and I've adjusted alright, but now that summer is coming to an end, it'll be time to start school. The Furukawas want to send me to this boarding school called Arizawa Academy on Kozushima (Kozu Island) in the city Tenjou which lies at the summit of Mt Tenjou. I'm fine with it, it's not like I have any friends in Osaka or Tokyo that I'll be leaving behind, it's just that I thought the hardest part about my new life was only going to be moving from the Kansai region to the Kanto one, but my troubles are only beginning...


Our 'Protagonist':

Kuroki Nazuna:
Age: 17
Year: Junior
Birthday: August 28th
Hair/Eye Color: Brown/Purple
Bio: New junior at the Academy, adopted daughter of Furukawa Eiji and Eri. Nazuna's pretty smart and has always dedicated herself to her studies in order to be able to become a great person. Nazuna speaks Osaka-ben which has always posed a problem with those who find it 'amusing'. She's been bullied quite a bit in her previous schools because of the way she speaks, her tomboy tendencies, unknown origins and her "dark" skin tone. After awhile, she got tired of it and fought back, which has led her to be asked to leave several schools due to her lack of restraint against her assailants. In other words, she's got a bit of a temper and now tried to keep a tough facade to avoid confrontation at her new school. Nazuna is also a very competitive athlete and is a tomboy with an acid tongue.
Personality Traits: tough, tomboyish, strong-minded
Quote: Well, Hajimemashita...

Obtainables: (4)


Isogai Kisuke: The President
Age: 18
Year: Senior
Birthday: October 11th
Hair/Eye Color: Blonde/Brown
Bio: Kisuke is the student body president. He seems to jump through hoops everyday just to maintain order within the school and organize events while balancing his other obligations such as Head Tour Guide and Head Tutor as well as his own studies. He works so hard at what he does because he aspires to go to Tokyo U. He treats Nazuna as he would a little sister.
Personality Traits: friendly, patient, helpful
Quote: Is there anything I can do?


Shihouin Takashi: The Delinquent
Age: 17
Year: Junior
Birthday: February 29th
Hair/Eye Color: Red/Pink
Bio: A guy in Nazuna's homeroom with quite a reputation as she finds out. Although, he's got a tattoo etched on the back of his neck, is notorious for cutting class, is prone to getting into fights with town locals, and has little adherence to the dress code, Takashi is at the top of the Junior Class which is a mystery to everyone else. He's always got a twinge of sarcasm in his tone and has as short a temper as Nazuna. He always looks like he's pissed at the world...
Personality Traits: anti-social, sarcastic, a bit of a jerk
Quote: *Silence* *Cold Stare*


Fujibayashi Ichiru: The Player
Age: 16
Year: Junior
Birthday: April 7th
Hair/Eye Color: Silver/Blue
Bio: Another boy in Nazuna's homeroom. Ichiru [deemed by Nazuna's roommate, Kana] is the most beautiful boy on campus. He has a fanclub of girls that swarm around him in between periods whom he calls the 'Ditz Club' while soaking up the attention. Not much is actually known about him except the fact that he lives in the only single dorm at the Academy and obviously has a bad history with Takashi...
Personality Traits: flirtatious, persistent, carefree studywise
Quote: Go on. Don't be shy. Ask me out.

Sugiyama Hisashi: Resident Otaku
Age: 18
Year: Senior
Birthday: ???
Hair/Eye Color: TBD
Bio: This boy is a senior who is nearly invisible. He walks the halls of the school like a ghost, and is simply ignored. His only friend seems to be a copy of a manga he is never seen without. He is very shy, and he doesn't seem to talk much either.
Personality Traits: shy, unknown, unknown
Quote: *silent blush* *walk away*


Other Characters:

Furukawa Eiji and Eri:
Bio: Nazuna's adopted parents, owners of large electronic corporation E&E electronics. Eiji is very laid back and carefree but when it comes to his adopted daughter and boys, he becomes a hardened, scary daddy. Eri, on the other hand, is an eccentric woman who is into things that most would find very creepy such as horror movies, medical skeletons, and the darkness. She is also the author of a Horror/Mystery Manga called 'Crimson Chronicles' which she writes in her spare time. Eri is the more lenient force in the parental unit when it comes to boys.


Ibuki Wakana:
Age: 17
Year: Junior
Hair/Eye Color: Dark Brown/Sea-green
Bio: Nazuna's new friend and roommate; she's freakishly tall, but very sweet and easy to talk to. She's almost never seen without a smile on her face. She also adores Ichiru and is a member of his fan club with her best friends, the twins, Keiko and Nozomi.

Wu Nozomi and Keiko:
Age(s): 16
Year: Junior
Hair/Eye Color: Black/Blue
Bio: Half-Japanese, Half-Chinese twins, due to a Chinese father and a Japanese mother. They are considered outcasts by both the citizens of China and Japan (including their extended-family) because of the at-large national tensions and touchy history between the two countries. Both Nozomi and Keiko dress exactly alike, so it's hard to tell them apart other than personality-wise. Keiko is more reserved while speaking in a formal manner whereas Nozomi is more outgoing and sometimes her sharp tongue gets the better of her. Nozumi is very protective of Keiko, and the twins are the best friends of Wakana.


Isogai Nagi:
Age: 15
Year: Sophomore
Hair/Eye Color: Blonde/Brown
Bio: Kisuke's younger sister. She is a sophomore at Arizawa and is the self-proclaimed girlfriend of Ichiru. She vies for Ichiru's attention on a daily basis, and is very territorial and stubborn.

Kobayashi Yukio:
Hair/Eye Color: Light Brown/Purple
Bio: The Headmaster of Arizawa.

Credits:
Writer/Programmer-KissOfDeath (me)
Sprites- Pockie Hoshi (Lost her )
Logo/Chibis/CGs- NONE!
BGs- NONE!
Composer- NONE!

Meaningless Percent Time ~ Yea! xD
Demo Script - 0%
General Script - 0%
Programming - 0%
Sprites - ???%
Demo BGs - 0%
General BGs 0%
Music - 0%

Thanks For Reading! <3

_________________
-KissOfDeath, Proofreader, aspiring VN writer, and a
Completed:
RE:Set Episode(s) 1 and 2 (Proofreader)
*A Troll's Fairy Tale* viewtopic.php?f=11&t=20160 (Proofreader)

WIPs:
MY VN: Hearts Captured http://lemmasoft.renai.us/forums/viewtopic.php?f=16&t=14598 [ON HOLD]

I'm curious as to your main character's origins. How exactly does she know who her birth parents were?

If she grew up in Japan, then she might have to deal with being a foreigner as well as a foster child. How has she been able to cope with these circumstances?



Sounds like a pretty cool main character, which is somewhat rare in regards to reverse harem stories. I checked the VNDB character tags, and while I found some tomboy heroines (NPCs), I couldn't find any tomboy protagonists. Maybe you'll find a similar main character if you search by protagonist's personality.



'Khanna' is a clan name from northern India and northwest Pakistan. Depending on your character's origin, it may or may not be an appropriate name for a girl. Is it an alternate romanization of the common name Kana?



Is 'Kotetsu' a name appropriate for a girl?

Whoo, lots of this to address:

!.) It was originally Kana, but I liked spelling it Khanna instead.

2.) Why not, Kotetsu? Does it mean something bad? lol I just named her that b/c I like the sound of the name. There are honestly no deep meanings to the names I picked out.

3.) I thought by giving Evie, a more tomboy-ish personality it would add to the humor when she is put in a situations where one of the obtainables pisses her off and she challenges them back or says something like "Oh, you're kinda cute" whereas she wouldn't know how to handle that/be speechless and blush.

4.) I PM'ed you about the character origins

Thank you for all your feedback, and I will take a look at those sites you suggested!

_________________
-KissOfDeath, Proofreader, aspiring VN writer, and a
Completed:
RE:Set Episode(s) 1 and 2 (Proofreader)
*A Troll's Fairy Tale* viewtopic.php?f=11&t=20160 (Proofreader)

WIPs:
MY VN: Hearts Captured http://lemmasoft.renai.us/forums/viewtopic.php?f=16&t=14598 [ON HOLD]

Okay, there are a couple things that are a bit awkward and most of them come from the fact it's set in Japan. If you are going to set your game in Japan, you have to do your research. I'll go through exactly what you've done wrong, but basically you can't half arse it otherwise it WILL come off as weeabooish and it will turn people off. You are of course free to do whatever you want, but people will point out the flaws and they are unlikely to take it seriously. So it's best to either do your research on the country or choose to set it somewhere you are more familiar with.

- Getting in to Japan to live is akin to getting into Fort Knox. They are a small island with a huge population so they don't really welcome immigrants. To get in you usually need sponsors, money, living arrangements and often a job and even then it's hard. Adoption is also a really hard process as it is, and if Japan is like any of the other developed countries it's like pulling teeth, ESPECIALLY if you are adopting from another developed country. I'm guessing by the main characters name and her surname that she is probably English or American (or possibly Australian, but no one ever has an Australian main character...). What are the chances you think of one of these countries allowing a Japanese couple to adopt one of their citizens?

- Let's say there is a plot reason for her being adopted. Then it's never going to seem normal and pretty much every character in the story would point it out and the whole story should revolve around the mystery of why she was adopted. It's not something you can sweep under the rug and then pull out as a plot twist because it's going to be obvious to everyone.

- You are naming places after people's names. Sakura, Roanoa, Arizawa, they are all names of people. That's not usually how the Japanese name things. I'm pretty sure they would never just name a place 'Sakura'. I would suggest you do lots of research on names of places in Japan and find out what would be the best way to name a place. Again, if you don't it's going to come off rather weak (especially considering Sakura is so popular and Roanoa is the name of a character in One Piece).

- There are a lot of particular generational colloquialisms. 'Mad sketchy' for one. I think it might come off pretty awkward to read, especially for those of us who don't use them. It's okay to use them, but you have to be careful that people will get them and that it suits the particular character talking.

- You say she is 'highly intelligent'. In which way is she intelligent? It doesn't seem to suit the rest of her personality. It doesn't seem like she would be particularly studious, and naturally very intelligent people can be very quirky and have trouble interacting with people because they see the world differently. She is also athletic, so maybe she has to many strong point going on? That said, I do like fiery characters.

- The guys seem a little generic at the moment so I hope there is more to them in terms of backstory and the way they are characterised. Don't be afraid to mix up expectations and fully develop them as characters within their own rights.

Anyway, good luck with your game, I hope it goes well ^_^ You seem to be making good progress and the art is quite nice. On a technical point of the art though, if that person wants it, they haven't left much room for the guys pelvic regions. The space from the belt to the crotch is very short, it would be problematic for them. The facial and body shapes are also a little same-samey, so they might want to look into more variation in the future.

_________________
The other 1/2 of Cyanide Tea l My Deviantart Account I My Tumber Account I Break Chance Memento I Ristorante Amore

Thank you, Auro. I'll do my best to fix all those things. haha

_________________
-KissOfDeath, Proofreader, aspiring VN writer, and a
Completed:
RE:Set Episode(s) 1 and 2 (Proofreader)
*A Troll's Fairy Tale* viewtopic.php?f=11&t=20160 (Proofreader)

WIPs:
MY VN: Hearts Captured http://lemmasoft.renai.us/forums/viewtopic.php?f=16&t=14598 [ON HOLD]

I tried another web search or two in order to find out whether 'Kotetsu' can be a woman's name. Still haven't found any clear indications whether it's only a male name or whether it can be a unisex name.

...I suppose that goes to show that research is a good thing. Even though it sounds like Hearts Captured is a slice of life story that is not meant to be incredibly realistic, you need to make sure to do a bit of research. Avoid the temptation to bog the reader down with travelogue-style writing and details. Just make sure that you understand your setting. Find some books and some online resources that will help you understand what your characters will experience on an average day in modern Japan.

Since you were willing to provide character sketches and some details, I'm already looking forward to your story. Hopefully writing, coding, and everything else will go well.

Nice art, looking forward to this!

_________________

JESUS CHRIST, GOOGLING HOW TO UNRAR STUFF IS EASIER THAN WAITING FOR 1000 DAYS FOR A REPLY. SRSLY.

@gekianwing - Haha, yes, I will be sure to do some research (after I finish my huge research paper due Wed-[yikes!]) or just reset the setting if its too much trouble to make everything fit Your feedback is really appreciated

@Auro-Cyanide - same thing to you, too. Your feedback is really appreciated

@azureXtwilight - Pockie Hoshi is the one to compliment on art, she's great! I have a long way to go as a writer/programmer lol but this is a good learning experience

_________________
-KissOfDeath, Proofreader, aspiring VN writer, and a
Completed:
RE:Set Episode(s) 1 and 2 (Proofreader)
*A Troll's Fairy Tale* viewtopic.php?f=11&t=20160 (Proofreader)

WIPs:
MY VN: Hearts Captured http://lemmasoft.renai.us/forums/viewtopic.php?f=16&t=14598 [ON HOLD]

_________________
Thank you for all your kindness!
Will proofread (grammar/typos) for hugs!

_________________
-KissOfDeath, Proofreader, aspiring VN writer, and a
Completed:
RE:Set Episode(s) 1 and 2 (Proofreader)
*A Troll's Fairy Tale* viewtopic.php?f=11&t=20160 (Proofreader)

WIPs:
MY VN: Hearts Captured http://lemmasoft.renai.us/forums/viewtopic.php?f=16&t=14598 [ON HOLD]

I'm interested as well, but you have one additional problem not mentioned above: The Japanese guys aren't going to go for her unless there's something really special going on. She's second-class, and the children will be as well as a result of mixed blood. Men are very sensitive about this.

Now, onto the issue of her strengths. Each boy that you have listed are different in their own small ways: I'm going to suggest something here that will seem odd at first glance, but will make for a better piece of work, and possibly deal with the first problem. Pick a strength for each of the obtainable paths, and stick to just developing that one. In one path she's athletic, in another she turns studious, etc. That provides focus, and gets the guys interested. Give her a few choices to establish what the player wants her to be, and then write like there's no tomorrow.

_________________
I'm going to get off my soap-box now, and let you get back to your day.

Academy Daze- Demo pending
Knights of Chaos: Ghost- Coding underway
DevBlog: http://www.renaigames.net
Troubleshooter Tales: Childhood's End (story) http://www.knightschaos.com

Sorry about a double post, but I wanted to address something else above: Generally, a person born on a particular piece of land is considered a native of that particular country, unless proper applications are applied for and then granted.

If she was born on the islands and then abandoned with no sign of the parents, then she's considered a ward of the State, and is a citizen by extension. This is also true in the case of immigrants with status in Japan and the youngsters they bear.

_________________
I'm going to get off my soap-box now, and let you get back to your day.

Academy Daze- Demo pending
Knights of Chaos: Ghost- Coding underway
DevBlog: http://www.renaigames.net
Troubleshooter Tales: Childhood's End (story) http://www.knightschaos.com

@DarkSpartan - Thank you for your input, this really is helping me develop ideas and my writing! I truly appreciate it!

_________________
-KissOfDeath, Proofreader, aspiring VN writer, and a
Completed:
RE:Set Episode(s) 1 and 2 (Proofreader)
*A Troll's Fairy Tale* viewtopic.php?f=11&t=20160 (Proofreader)

WIPs:
MY VN: Hearts Captured http://lemmasoft.renai.us/forums/viewtopic.php?f=16&t=14598 [ON HOLD]

You're welcome! Always happy to help. If you need a sounding board, I can generally find time.

_________________
I'm going to get off my soap-box now, and let you get back to your day.

Academy Daze- Demo pending
Knights of Chaos: Ghost- Coding underway
DevBlog: http://www.renaigames.net
Troubleshooter Tales: Childhood's End (story) http://www.knightschaos.com

Ah! Art is gorgeous! Will be looking forward to this :3!!!

_________________
Projects: promise you
Story: 100% complete
Script: 12% complete
Art: 5%
Code: 20% complete