Triangle [Romance/Drama.... maybe +18?]

[DreamDragonHatchling]

[UPDATE:27.12.12.= sketch]

Hello! I'm pretty new here, so don't eat me please!

I have an Idea about a game, don't know if it will be any good, since english is not my native language and I'm not the best writer even in my own language.

STORY: As the name hints there will be three characters connected with love. Adrian with Emilee been a pair for hole three mouths since one day Emilee [shy-person] boldly confessed her love for Adrian in front of everyone. Since then ,her life couldn't been better. Adrian loves her but not as strong as she, but he doesn't think that is a problem, he has all the time, he can get, to start loving her for 100 % and more, but time slipped out of grasp before he noticed. On the way to home, he sees her with someone else: a friend, a cousin, a classmate? Is that jealousy he feels? No, she wouldn't cheat on him! Adrian believe in her, but the next day- again! She said she will be helping her mother all day, so doesn't have time to go on a date... Why did she lie, and lie again the next day and day after that!?
Characters
Adrian [The one on the left] is ex- mister popular. Outgoing, handsome and even smart, at least five moths back. He broke all ties to old friends and stopped visiting clubs. Ex- mister popular now is a gamer with a big freshly grown belly. [18 years old, 12th grade ]
Emilee [Right, no left, daaa middle] ex-shy girl. Since she confessed her love, she gained a confidence boost to get out of her shell and start being herself. She doesn't like to talk about herself, especially about school. AND THOSE ARE NOT sores on her face and body, but freckles or how are thy called in English, those that some people get when there skin is exposed to sun, because of genetic em.... boredom? [17 years old, 11th grade]
Derick [The one on the right] He just started appearing one day and not leaving alone. Hostile to Adrian, sweet to Emilee. Will he steal her from Adrian? [16 soon 17 years old, 10th grade]

So far I have only written that much. I know that isn't much, but i am a slow writer. All story is already figured out in my head(lets open it up and spill it all out in renpy... that's the dream)
Wed Jan 02 17:13:02 2013
The game contains 195 227 screens of dialogue.
These screens contain a total of 2,109 2,606 words,
for an average of 10.811.5 words per screen.
The game contains 1 2 menus.

There will be 4 endings. 1 bad= forever alone ending. 3 good ones.
Those three are all the spirits that game will gave, of course other expressions and clothes will be- just haven't drawn them.
I just only finished Derick's spirit= 3 hovers of work +- 30 minutes
There will(when draw them) be a lots of CGs!!!!
As for BG i am total loser in that place.... my friend almost couldn't stop laughing when i showed one i draw, she didn't believe me at first, since i'm good enough to not be bad at drawing people, but now she is a believer that BG is Everest for me..
Hope my story sound interesting.
Any critic in spirits is appreciated.


IMAGE DUMP
Emilee How she looked 3 moths back, before confessing her love to Adrian, lol some how she ended up looking like coming from some old film in 70s or 60s lol, she had long hair but for some reason she cut them.

[specialtantei]

The pictures you are talking about are called CGs .
If it's going to be +18 it should be in the Adult Works in Progress section, on the other hand I see nothing wrong. Are you writing the game directly in English or is everything written in your first language? Maybe it would make things easier to get a translator afterwards.
The premise is pretty interesting, I've always had a thing for romantic triangles. Wonder if there's any ending with both of them as your boyfriends ~.
Good luck with your game!

[DreamDragonHatchling]

Thanks! CGs have to remember!
I guess, I mast up. Sorry. Have to move it?

I witting it in english. It's a good practice.
~~ I wounder, I wounder 3 good endings hmm.... Do you see place for BxGxB ??

[PyTom]

If it's going to be +18 it should be in the Adult Works in Progress section, on the other hand I see nothing wrong.

That's not true anymore, as we modified that rule recently. Check out the new rule here, but basically you can talk about an adult game in the general section, as long as the contents of the thread remains non-adult.

Re: freckles...

It's weird that Emilee's freckles are prominent on her shoulders, but not her forearms. At least with me, it's the other way around - the freckles are more prominent in spots that get exposed to the sun, and less so on my shoulders.

[specialtantei]

No, no, not you. I mean, when you have a big deal of work done and feel like it has enough done to be considered a WIP, ask an admin to move it. Seems like PyTom just brushed that off .
Well, why not? BxGxB is interesting as long as the writer knows how to do it .

If it's going to be +18 it should be in the Adult Works in Progress section, on the other hand I see nothing wrong.

That's not true anymore, as we modified that rule recently. Check out the new rule here, but basically you can talk about an adult game in the general section, as long as the contents of the thread remains non-adult.

Thanks man. I had no idea. Sometimes stupid stuff comes out of my mouth (in this case, hands). I'll re-read those .

[FatUnicornGames]

Looks cute! Definitely find a proofreader or editor though. I understand that English is not your first language, but I see you making a lot of errors. It doesn't make what you are writing unreadable, but it might be annoying in your game. Good luck with everything!

[DreamDragonHatchling]

Thx- I know, I will have to kidnapped someone to do it for me, but I will worry about it when the time comes. I hope that my art and idea will catch me someone with good heart, free time and better knowing in english, that i have. Maybe I'm just dreaming that i will get someone, but that how life is i guess....

[fleet]

Regarding proofreading/editor. I have found it easier for someone to proofread the dialog if you put it in a word processing document, rather than ask them to proofread it when it is already in the visual novel.

[DreamDragonHatchling]

Thx for the tip! Hmm... I writing all in renpy uhh..... >_>

[Kessie]

Sounds like a game I'd enjoy playing.
I really laughed at the:

Ex- mister popular now is a gamer with a big freshly grown belly

because that's not something you read every day in the Ideas section at least for me so thumbs up for that originality.

[DreamDragonHatchling]

Sounds like a game I'd enjoy playing.
I really laughed at the:

Ex- mister popular now is a gamer with a big freshly grown belly

because that's not something you read every day in the Ideas section at least for me so thumbs up for that originality.

Thx XD will, after seined so many games, where everyone is just "perfect", i wanted to.... [leave my lunch on the floor]... I like when everyone is more... natural? Game that i wanted to make before this, all characters were... off the perfect stereotype.

### HERE A GOT OFF TOPIC= I'M RAMBLING here.....
I think that we are degrading other in a subconscious lvl, that only the pretty girl can get all the pretty boys. Yes is nice to see pretty art with pretty people but... are we all pretty in real life. After playing a game, getting good happy ending, does it makes us feel 100%.

I myself have never been in that type, that lead heroines usual are (mostly otome games). I am .... rude, I talk before think, i don't like to lie just because it will, truth will hurt them. I am not nice, egoist is the best way to describe me, but i love animals..... And I try to help my friend even if mostly its gets worse XD
You look at it in this way= would I get my prince charming? In game you can do things that raises [love, affection, like?], but if real me is me, and only options i can make are thous that usually lovers this stats? I don't want to be a barbie, I am I...
most of of topic ends here....
What i wanted to say... even if in the end... my art ended pretty and sparkly(habit of drawing and like sexy men ;3)... in my head thy were more natural, real.I don't say that art need to be ugly or something like, that, but when there is a manga and heroin is shy, lonely girl, that most don't like... she anyway is pretty, little make up and hair done, and she is prettier that pretty girls. (In real like that isn't enough.)



SORRY for talking too much... I usual write more that needed, its part of my personalty...

[RunicV]

Things I wanted to point out:
-you have a realistic, quirky and interesting cast of characters so far
-unique and interesting plot

Emilee doesn't seem like your typical otome girl, which is a plus. It's refreshing to see someone working on a game with a unique cast of characters. One thing you might have to watch out for is making her too unlikable. Right now, she doesn't seem very likable to me. She's dating a guy, but cheats on him. That gives me a lot of negative feelings towards her character. Thankfully, the fact that she has a horrible boyfriend (that's what he comes off as for now) justifies it. (Of course, it still irks me that she's cheating, but who knows, I'm hoping it's an elaborate ploy to make him realise he loves her or something.)

You want to make your characters liked by people, or at least make people find them amusing/interesting/engaging. I know this is just an idea, so it's not set in stone, but from what we know about the cast, they are mildly entertaining, but not likable.

What your cast looks to me now:
Adrian used to be your popular nice guy, but now he's just a bum. Emilee's a somewhat confident girl who's torn between dumping Adrian or going after the nicer Derick. Derick is... we have no idea what his personality is. You haven't described his personality at all. No idea what he is.

Another thing I'm not comfortable with is the possibility of 18+ scenes. I mean, they're (I think they are) teenagers. Awkard teenage sex is just... urk. Of course, I might be biased/prejudiced, since I believe that you shouldn't date until you're twenty and that all the sexy times should be when you're married. But still, if you're going to include 18+ scenes, well... You'd have to make sure they were in character.

Another (off-topic) point I want to make is that it's hard work to be beautiful and not as easy as you think. If you think beauty is completely natural and something you were given or not when you were born, you are wrong! Just because you have a nice face does not mean you will be beautiful! If you want to be beautiful, you have to maintain and take care of your body!

Even someone born with a not-so-nice face can become pretty if they try, and without using plastic surgery. Take care of your hygiene, excercise, do all these! Most pretty girls I know actually worked hard to become the way they were. They cut down on snacks, dragged themself out of bed to excercise, changed a their shampoo brand a million times in order to find the right one, ate healthy food, etc etc.

Beauty can be achieved with hard work.

And on a final note, OMG YOU SPEAK ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE I ADMIRE YOU I REALLY DO. IF ANYONE READING THIS SEES THIS, I ADMIRE ANYONE WHO SPEAKS MORE THAN ONE LANGUAGE AND IS TRYING THEIR BEST TO IMPROVE I LOVE YOU ALL YOU ARE AWESOME.

I hope you stick with your game through the bitter end. If you need any help, feel free to ask. Hope you find a proofreader soon.

I wish you all the best with your game.

I'm sorry for talking crap, my mind dies after a while. I hope I gave you some useful advice/critique. If I'm talking trash please shoot me in the head. *runs away*

[DreamDragonHatchling]

*runs away*

OMG your comment (all of it, not just the last part) made me smile and lough at the same time XD my spirit went +47% (well i was in good mood before, but now I'm -> =^^=)

Well There is more to characters than you see, point of the game is to get all the story, so I don't want to spoil, but I don't think Emilee will become unlikable. [I hope!]
As for Adrian, it understandable that he is like that, he isn't popular no more or the cool guy, but humans can change there character so fast. All his life girl had eaten of his hands, so he never bothered to do something in return. He never would had imagined that a girl could cheat on him.
Derick is a mystery because he just showed up one day, probably because started to to same school, but not the same class and grade.
Adrian last month turned 18 years old
Emilee is 17 years old
Derick is 16 almost 17 years old ...

ANd thx Don't know if english can be called my second language, i make many mistakes, usually connected with word that are read the same, but written diffidently or only one letter changes and there meaning is different because of it.. Or its and it's... And when time comes to write harder word google translate comes to play ^^

I hope that my university life wont eat me up and i can finish this one and all other games that are in my head: 4 visual novels, 3 books, 2 comic.... i have a big head... but only two arms and both lazy.

###Off topic part about beauty####
Yes, yes, I know, I know, I have a big sister... The one that is impossible to get out of bathroom when you need to go there. She owns more make up then I white paper (all floor, table and bed covered)... She is the one that does all things you mentioned, I am polar opposite of her.
It's hard work, to be beautiful, but it's easier for thous who skull structure is nicer made then those of other, and I am in that category where my skull shape is nice= by that i'm saying that someone seeing me won't call me ugly, but taking hours on hours of work .... video games come first + I hate crowds or places with lot of people so there is no point in puffing up, so only one that sees me is my mirror. I just can't make myself wasting time that i could spent drawing, learning new things (documentaries love them), making VN, playing VN and other games, sometimes studying so I don't get kicked out, spending some time with friend and family, and pet's!
Off topic end...

Hmm... this was a good practice, mistakes yes, a lot of them YES, but practice, practice!

EDIT!: Totally forgot one point about +18.... Well you won't need to worry about... emm... *blushes* seeing special parts (using special word so no one kicks me to adult section) I think for those who... have someone siting behind you: ghost!! brother/sister/father/cat/mice/grandma In the beginning you will be given choice, if you want to see *blushes* or not *blushes*those CGs, if you don't, thy will be replaced with... black screen(if I'm lazy) or (if not lazy) small chibis (thy kissing or just smiling) I hope chibis kissing is't too adult theme for rest of you O_O

*blushes, turns around and runs away, jumps on back of a flying horse and fly's away *

[DreamDragonHatchling]

It's weird that Emilee's freckles are prominent on her shoulders, but not her forearms. At least with me, it's the other way around - the freckles are more prominent in spots that get exposed to the sun, and less so on my shoulders.

SOOOOOO soooory, only now noticed, this part.
em... she has them on her forearms, but skin tone using gradient tool got darker there and color i used for freckles(that word sound strange XD) and thy disappeared *poof*, I guess later, I should darken them, to be visible.