[Critics Needed] Is story good enough for a KN/VN?

[DragoonHP]

Hello... (Please bear with me... I'm very bad at starting a conversation...)

First I was planning to write a summary and ask if the plot sounded good enough... but then I reminded myself that I'm not good when it comes to summarizing... (my summaries are almost always 80 to 90% of the story... o_O)

So, I ask anyone of you who has some free time on hand, please read and review my work... and tell your views if it can turn into a VN... or even KN...
And even if you feel that the story lacks the elements for a good VN, please give your views on the story in general...

Please feel free to criticise me...

(DocX): http://www.mediafire.com/?ojgtyvcvws11cji

(PDF): http://www.mediafire.com/?q1j6t4gzx7pclcd

The word count is nearly 4.000 words (3,977 words to be exact) and the file is in docx format...

And Thanks for reading the thread...
~DragoonHP

[Shadow]

Hey there. I downloaded the doc but there appears to be something wrong with it, namely Mediafire marks it as a .docx file but upon download it's a .zip file. Extracting this gives a few folders with XML files in them which makes the text almost incomprehensible.

Could you perhaps upload it again?

[DragoonHP]

It seems to be working fine for me... but just in case, here is the link to the PDF file...

PDF: http://www.mediafire.com/?q1j6t4gzx7pclcd

[NewMember]

Well it is a very good story and even looks like it was written by a professional.

Though I have 2 questions.
Since the girl is the daughter of a king how did she enter the forest especially since the guards know there is some one dangerous in the forest.

After the forest ghost decides to kill the girl and take her to his shack.There he decides to not to kill her till tomorrow. The next day the girl is sleeping on the floor. When he wakes up the girl the girl falls on the floor. How can she fall on the floor is she is sleeping on the floor.

[DragoonHP]

Let me start by saying thanks for reviewing it...

Well it is a very good story and even looks like it was written by a professional.

You filled me with hope...

Since the girl is the daughter of a king how did she enter the forest especially since the guards know there is some one dangerous in the forest.

Her cute dog, Gladius wandered off when she had came to the outskirts of city with her uncle... and she just decided to floow him when her uncle wasn't looking... that's why the guards were looking around the forest...

After the forest ghost decides to kill the girl and take her to his shack.There he decides to not to kill her till tomorrow. The next day the girl is sleeping on the floor. When he wakes up the girl the girl falls on the floor. How can she fall on the floor is she is sleeping on the floor.

The forest ghost is actually a human being... and here I said that he hauled her up...

“Get up you spoiled brat,” I seethe out, roughly hauling her up.

I hope I answered all your doubt...

[Aleema]

I'd like to give you some thoughts on your story, but I don't think I know what it is. This chapter seems to end as if it was all just a prologue to the actual plot: why he wears a mask. Or is this not the case? Is it a story about their relationship? I have some opinions about what I just read, but I really want to know where you expect to take this before I share them.

[DragoonHP]

Thanks for reading it... and well it's not actually a prologue, just a reminiscing of an old man which will be frequently broken by the girl and others...

And this story is not about relationship; it's -- how can I say that -- a story of a person who has payed heavily for someone else fault...

And i would have given the whole story (but i doubt anyone wants to read 10K+ words and secondly I would have to take it out of my old pc... this was just in my cloud storage)

Why he wears a mask?I planned it to hide it till the end of the story, but i guess, if i can't write a summary I might as well reveal it..
Because half of his face is horridly scarred...

This story is not about relationships, this story is about past relationships and what a person's love can make another person do...
Err... I think you can say it is somewhat about relationship... but not in the usual VN style...

I hope I answered your questions... and waiting to hear your opinion...

[Aleema]

Funny contradiction: "This story is not about relationships, this story is about past relationships" Haha. "Relationships" does not only mean date sim romance, you know. Plots can usually be divided into character-based or story-based. Characters drive the plot, vs. plot drives the characters. When I say relationship, I meant the one specifically between the "ghost" and the girl. You have set up the premise of a character-driven story with the two characters forcibly together, and I asked if that was the story, or if it was his flashbacks. So I think from what you're saying, the story is his flashback(s). Which indeed makes this a prologue, and I assume anything with the narrator and Veronica will be similar to the grandfather/grandkid in the The Princess Bride. Just cuts back to them, but it's not the general story.

(Well, if he wasn't wearing a mask because he was disfigured, that would have been one hell of a story, haha.)

I'm not sure what you think is "usual VN style," but VN's have seen lots of story types and so far, nothing about yours is radically different. It'd probably be a kinetic novel, but that's still a VN and I see no problem with that. Are you assuming that people won't like your story because it's not a date sim? If so, don't worry, you're wrong. =P

My opinion on what you posted was that it was disturbing to read about someone fantasizing about murdering a little girl and some of the language is also unnecessarily erotic (considering she's a child). For example, referring to her "tender frame" and the guy feeling her eyes on his body ... such body awareness and decadent descriptions for it really comes off as sexual. At least to me. =\

I imagine he is bitter from whatever happened to him, but I think talking about snapping the neck of a little girl after trash-talking her for no reason for every moment we've known him doesn't really win him any points, and I don't think there could be anything in his past that would redeem him from that. Frankly, I'd rather him just be a misanthrope, rather than being actually as inhumane as the ghost stories paint him. But: this is totally not my story, I have no idea where you're taking the story or characters, and this is probably not at all what you wanted to hear so just ignore me!!

[NewMember]

Made fanart just for fun here is one of the princess. Notice the bottom of her shirt has the sun and the ocean.

[DragoonHP]

I feel like such an idiot...

Indeed it is not a general story... I was planning on writing a general story, when I realised all I was doing was rewriting the story... not good...

Well, how he was disfigured is also one heck of a story...

It was something along those lines... I feel like an total idiot...

I should apologies if the words sounded too erotic... I never intended it too sound like that...
I will just go back and read through it again... thanks for this wonderful suggestion...

And the ghost stories were in fact spread by the King and his dear father, who didn't want to find what had conspired in that forest... he was termed a ghost even though he is a breathing human being
And I couldn't have expected a different response, after all the part of the story I have given is just ~20% of the actual text...
And yes I agree, nothing would redeem him for what he would do to the girl, that' why he plan to kill himself as soon as he kills the girl...

Just a little bit of backstory...

The reason the ghost is doing something as barbaric as this is because the King Krios (the present king) was the reason of his sister death... in fact he was the one who ordered her to be killed...

Thanks for taking the time to read this junk... I know it must have been tough to read through the story...

EDIT: Thanks NewMember... I didn't know you lied the story this much... and that's a wonderful artwork...

[Shadow]

I won't mention anything that's already been said aside from it does sound like a prologue.

I liked the basic idea and the characters, but if this is the beginning of your story, a further look into the setting would be good. For instance, how big is the forest? What does his house look like? Some details that give the reader a more definite feeling of where this story is set. You don't need to go into paragraphs of description — just drawing this out in particular places would be good.

The same with setting, I felt the story could use more hints as to what's driving this man to be so violent towards the princess.

Some logical errors come from word choice, including the dull colours in the beginning or "peaceful hell" — you might want to be careful of those contradictions. Not to mention noting certain details. I was under the impression the house was very dark, but a later detail said it was excessively lit. Another moment the main character went to pick fruit but came back with a basket. Some small words change the meaning of the story but I was able to get what you were trying to say.

[DragoonHP]

Thanks for the review...

And erm... I never did bothered with describing the scenery, because I always planned to turn this one in a VN and I like not to burden the artist (or myself while I'm searching for backgrounds) by having a definitive image in my mind... because if I have one, I* tend to become really fussy about it...

The same with setting, I felt the story could use more hints as to what's driving this man to be so violent towards the princess.

As I read more and more of peoples views, I think I should probably put the full story and then ask for comments...

I planned the starting to be very dull... almost detachable...

I was under the impression the house was very dark, but a later detail said it was excessively lit.

Well, it was dark in the starting because it was night but when the MC woke up, the room was filled with light because it was morning...

Another moment the main character went to pick fruit but came back with a basket

Thanks for giving the story a read...

[Aleema]

Ah ... haha, I'm sorry for what I said. You're too sweet, DragoonHP. When I went to bed I realized that my post probably sucked because I didn't mention what I liked about what I read. I agree that it is very well-written! I also didn't get bored from reading it, and it is intriguing because you definitely want to know more about the main character. This backstory that you're only hinting at is what I want to know. I like character studies, and this definitely has one going. Also, the idea that the "ghost" is actually a man, and we're following him, that is very interesting to me. This is most assuredly not junk. I had minor concerns, and that's really all you should take that as. I don't feel anything has turned me completely off from this story, there's just one or two eyebrow-raising moments, and everything else is intriguing.

So, to answer your topic question: yes. It is most certainly is good enough to be a visual novel, and you should definitely do it. If not to just address what Shadow said about the lack of descriptives. My editor once pointed out that I didn't describe how a room looked, and I realized why: because you're writing for a visual novel! There will be a *picture* of it! xD

[DragoonHP]

Well the fault lies with me, I asked for critic after all...

Well truth be told, the back story isn't much interesting... but it is not boring too (I hope so anyway...)

Also, the idea that the "ghost" is actually a man, and we're following him, that is very interesting to me.

Well.. his ghoost title was inspired by people (especially) children behaviour towards an old man or woman leaving in a abandoned buildings... I remember being afraid of a woman who used to leave in a old mansion... :p

My editor once pointed out that I didn't describe how a room looked, and I realized why: because you're writing for a visual novel! There will be a *picture* of it! xD

I'm glad you understood...

*Now off to search for the drafts...*